On communication

[ailbhe]

I have often been bitten by this one, and it's just happened again.

When I feel strongly about something, I say so, calmly. This leads 50% of people to totally ignore what I've said, and a further 25% of people to assume that I must not feel strongly about it. (Numbers pulled out of the sky, but it feels like practically everyone, at least right now).

In the past, I have gotten around this by determining which actions will communicate Emotion X to my interlocutor, and emoted it until the message got across. This often left me tired, angry, and covered in tearstains - or with a raging headache, if what was needed was to work myself up into a rage.

I am not naturally a screamer at people. I don't burst into tears when someone has upset me. I don't even go away and cry privately. It's not how I do it. But many, many people assume that unless a woman "looks upset" she's not really upset. It got me into a lot of trouble with doctors about two years and a quarter ago.

Is the answer to go back to putting on an act when I'm talking to people? I hated that; it feels like lying.

Comments

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I sometimes have this problem, too, because in certain sorts of crises, I get very calm-seeming, externally.

What works for me best (and it's not 100% successful) is to just articulate, probably similarly calmly, the severity of the situation. "It may not seem like it, but I'm in an incredible amount of pain right now, and this is an emergency situation."

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

I agree with this suggestion.

"I am very angry/disappointed/furious/sad/depressed and trying not to over react, but...." should get you some kind of response unless the people you are dealing with are deaf.

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

I have this issue with my husband (he doesn't realize I feel strongly about something unless I'm emoting). Fortunately, with him I don't actually have to do all the emoting; just raising the volume of my voice is sufficient to get across the "and I mean it when I say I'm upset!" that he seems to need.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

And then, if you do work youself up to scream or cry, a certain percentage of people will ignore it because you're "just being a hysterical woman". It's another loose-loose *sigh*

[flybabydizzy.livejournal.com]

and some people will not listen however you say it to them, as they simply do not wish to hear you saying that their view is inappropriate in this circumstance.

[pauamma]

What everyone said. And I'm not entirely unfamiliar with that reaction.

[barakta]

I can relate to the whole people not listening to my words and not taking me seriously based on body language. I often have issues with tone of voice when I am tired/stressed/upset/in-pain as my speech is somewhat artificial and I'll end up sounding different to how I intend, or just 'deaf'.

I don't like having to act 'traditionally' or 'stereotypically' to make people take my feelings seriously. I agree with you that it feels wrong. With people I choose to be around, my friends and some family, I expect them to listen to me and respect me. Those who don't respect me I avoid, or tolerate because I have to (siblings).

I'm fortunate my medical people don't seem to expect me to 'be' or 'act' in any specific way, they usually take my words as what I mean. They know I've been doing the medical thing all my life and have a reasonable tolerance for pain/discomfort AS LONG AS I AM FOREWARNED.... Then again I don't go back to doctors/medics who dismiss my emotions, or misinterpret what I say if I can help it. In fact I complained verbally to my consultant, after one of his registrars got antagonistic and aggressive with me at a consultation - one which I aborted as soon as I realised the registrar didn't want to listen to what I had to say.

[ailbhe]

I wasn't in a position to choose doctors at the time, as I recall. I've been choosier ever since :)

[pogodragon.livejournal.com]

Can you perhaps channel it into 'cold fury' type response instead? As epi_lj says, use the words that convey what you're feeling but in a too controlled sort of way, it would possibly feel less like acting to you and it is a 'recognised right way' to deal with stressful situations.

[rmc28]

Yes, I get this too.

When I'm upset I go calm and controlled because the alternative is the incoherent screaming fit of non-communication or bursting into tears (again non-communication) and I hate doing either of these. I have had people not believe I was in severe pain because of this, and not believe I was actually upset when I was desperately so.

I suppose saying quite clearly "I am doing my best to keep calm here, but what you are saying is very upsetting/actually I am in a lot of pain/I feel very strongly about this" may help. Sometimes it does for me. There is a sort of clipped flattened tone of voice I use when I'm really only just keeping my temper, and I think that is a cue that I am controlling rather than not feeling what I am saying I am feeling.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I have this problem too, and because using body language to convey emotion doesn't come that naturally to me, my reaction tends to be to say more and more extreme things until I feel the other person is taking me seriously. Needless to say, this is not an ideal method of preventing conflict escalation... I think I may try some of the techniques in previous comments, so thank you for posting this.

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

I think this is a common problem for people who can stay calm when in a bad situation. I don't have any suggestions, because I can't always put on an act, or at least not "the right kind" of act.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I do not use swear-words in my normal speach. But I will use them when I'm upset - as a marker to let who I'm talking to know that I'm really very upset. This works pretty well for me.