It finally happened

[ailbhe]

I hit Linnea.

She's fine, I'm in shock. Alarmingly, I entertained the idea of asking her not to tell anyone for several seconds. There is no justification for it - it wasn't necessary, it wasn't helpful, it wasn't rational - I just lost my temper and didn't stop myself.

I think she forgave me quite quickly. Part of me is relieved; I'm getting this blasted, blasted implant out in a week anyway, and I've been dreading the possibility of losing my temper for months, and now I have, and she's ok with it. She was shocked and angry, which is good - she wasn't afraid or guilty-feeling.

Apart from being briefly shocking, it didn't much affect her behaviour for good or ill for the rest of the time before nursery.

I want to go to bed and cry.

Comments

[pauamma]

Slipping happens. You were aware of the possibility, you were able to avoid it a number of times, you slipped this time. You acknowledged it, to her and to others, and you took steps to address the root cause even before it happened. From what you say, she didn't suffer guilt or fear from it. I hope that you won't either, beyond the "useful reminder" level. Meanwhile, want hugs? I promise I won't try to crack your ribs this time. :-)

[k425.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[piqueen.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you are having a bad day. For what it's worth I think you are a great parent because you're so affected by this.

[jemstone.livejournal.com]

I must agree. I'd be more concerned if you weren't so impacted and affected by this. As said by pauamma, slipping happens. It'll be all right.

[beaq.livejournal.com]

Argh. That's an awful feeling.

[dreamalynn.livejournal.com]

It will be okay. You didn't harm her. She probably won't remember save for the fact that it's most unusual.

We all have those moments. It means that you're human.

*many big hugs*

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

It sucks, yes. I actually DO remember the one time in my entire life my mother hit me.

It didn't damage me, physically, or emotionally. And it didn't damage my relationship with my mother. I was upset by it, but I understood that so was my mother. I understood that my mother wasn't PERFECT, but she was still damn good.

That was good enough for me.

[jentifred.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

I have done the same with Bridget. More than once, I am sad to say. She still loves me and seeks comfort in my arms, so it can't be too devastating for her.

**hugs**

[sidheag.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I've done it, and wish I hadn't. I do think there are worse things that parents sometimes do.

[jexia]

*hugs*

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

FWIW there are worse things than losing your temper and giving a child a deserved smack on the bottom. It puts things into perspective for them and brings an awareness that there are often consequences for pushing a parent or other beyond certain limits.

Certainly don't beat yourself up over it. If this is the worst thing that ever happens before she turns 21, you are very fortunate.

[ailbhe]

I've no idea what makes you think it was deserved; it wasn't. Really.

I'm not going to call social services to rescue them from me, though.

[ailbhe]

Actually asking her not to tell would have been worse, I think.

[cassandre.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I'm sure you feel much, much worse about it than she does.

I would like to meet the parent who has never done anything to their kid that they are heartily ashamed of afterwards. I agree with the above comment pointing out that precisely because you're so affected by it, you're a good parent.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

What they said.

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you and L have had to go through this. I also had a terrible time with the implant, the moods, and bleeding for 90 days too.

I don't know where you are going to get it out, but just in case, I think you should be prepared for them to try and talk you out of having it removed.

I got it put in and taken out at the family planning/women's health clinic. I made an appt specifically to have it removed, and on the day, the nurse tried to talk me out of it, I explained why I wanted it out, at least twice. Then she said she'd have to get one of the doctors. The doctor (a gynaecologist) tried to talk me out of it as well. I usually react to this sort of stress with tears, so I was in a pretty bad way by the time the quack was through with me. eventually they agreed to take it out.

Now i know this was a family planning clinic, but the fact that I had managed to get to the grand old age of 41 with only two children should have told them that they didn't need to worry about my ability to control my fertility. and why they thought they had any right to try and browbeat me I don't know. I still fear for the young women who go there...

I hipe no one argues with you, but at least you will be prepared for the eventuality.

Enjoy getting yourself back - I did, but it took a few weeks (they had promised me it would be instantaneous!)...

Hugs for the horrible day.

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

i agree, much worse. becasue that's not the sort of secret you want to encourage your child to keep. ever. and it could lead to keeping other types of behaviour she experiences a secret.

[mrscosmopilite.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I think by now just about everyone who has commented has said what I would have said. I'm going to say it again though. It's an awful feeling when you know you have just hit your child and the feelings of guilt anger frustration and relief (that it wasn't worse) kick in.
I can understand that it would affect you more than Linnea, and hope that you soon start to feel better about it.

[mrscosmopilite.livejournal.com]

sohope that you soon start to feel better about it.
I hope that comes over the way I meant. That you will soon feel better...argh I know what I mean

[juliet]

I had a similar experience. I asked to have mine out after having period-every-fortnight for over 6 months, and went along to the clinic intending just to have it taken out. The doctor asked what I was going to do instead, & somehow I wound up agreeing that trying another new one (since the old one *had* been OK for 2 years) would make sense. I don't think I was browbeaten exactly, but certainly talked round.

Three months later I went back to have that one out & the same doctor didn't say word one.

But yeah, it may take a few weeks to get back to normal :-\

Also: What Everyone Else Has Said about hitting Linnea.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Yep. What they all said.

[ailbhe]

I already have an appt to get the coil fitted so that should be ok.

[tchemgrrl.livejournal.com]

I remember the one time I got hit too. It was scary at that moment, but wasn't scary the next day.

From an adult point of view, I feel really awful for my mom, actually. It was a rough time for her, in a completely different way than you describe, but rough.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. *hugs* The thing that's causing this is going to be gone soon. You made the right choice and you're coping in a thoroughly craptacular situation until that choice can be put into action. I'm not saying trying to say that nothing happened, but you're doing your best and that's all you can do, and things will be better very soon. Understanding is sometimes given where we least expect it and feel we least deserve it.

[ailbhe]

Naturally I assumed you meant "I hope you soon figure out a rationalisation as to why it was ultimately a beneficial action for your entire family and incorporate it into your regular parenting practice."

Or possibly I thought you meant "This too shall pass, and you'll all survive ok, and I hope that happens soon."

I'm strapping up my birch twigs even now.

[mrscosmopilite.livejournal.com]

ack no Birch twigs, limp lettuce leaf at worst. You will survive OK and so will the family. ou such a fabulaous job with those girls they really are a credit to you, forgive yourself just a little- please.

[aegidian]

It happens.

And while you feel awful and guilty and wrong about it, those feelings make it less likely to happen again.

And because of that, you can forgive yourself.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

I remember the time I hit my Munchkin. I will never get over the shame of it, but he survived and thrived and knew all along that I loved him.

(I told myself what I would tell you if you didn't already know: "You're not a bad person for losing control once; don't do it again.")

Re: It finally happened

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

*aie*. i imagine i know the feeling. because i was an abused and much-hit child, i swore myself i'd never hit another being other than in self-defense. which oath i kept for many years.

and then when i was 35 one day i hit my dog. i felt like an utter shit. and yeah, there was no good-enough reason for it, i had just lost my temper, and for a split second i became my mother.

*shudder*. i felt bad for a long time. which was quite right, i should have felt bad. i couldn't even explain this to the dog.

no, it's not the worst one could do, but since when is the worst the yardstick by which to assess one's own behaviour? yet shit happens, and humans fuck up. you're doing the right thing; you didn't make it worse despite the impulse (because i agree, it would have been worse to ask her not to tell anyone). you fessed up, you made amends, and you know that you did the right thing there by how she's behaving about it. as fuck-ups go, you did the best you could in repairing it. and i doubt this will happen any time soon again (though it might happen again some time when you're stretched to the limit).

i think the important part is that linnea understands that this is a mistake, that sometimes even people who love you a lot make mistakes when under stress, and that one fesses up to mistakes and atones for them, and life and love go on. perfection isn't something either children or adults can achieve, the best we can do is try, and be honest about it all even when it's hard.

and maybe consider some way to deal with the temper when it seems close to losing, because undoubtedly life will throw this sort of crap at you again. work it off somehow, scream it off, walk it off, hammer it off by slugging/smashing something inanimate?

Re: It finally happened

[ailbhe]

Normally I have strategies; we were in an enclosed, not-at-home space at the time. There were a lot of reasons why the snap came out as it did, one of them being that I really, really didn't want to say the hateful thing I, er, wanted to say.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

You know, my mum smacked me quite a bit as a kid, and it did some damage - not a lot, but enough for our house to be a smacking-free zone. But if she'd dealt with it the way you do, that damage could have been averted.

Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world if your mother tells you she's sorry and does her best to avoid it in future. All the difference.

That's why I always warn my DD if my temper is frayed, or if I'm very tearful, so that she knows it's not her fault if I do snap and am more harsh than I would normally be. Nobody's perfect and zen, not even Zen Roshis (ha!)

Funnily enough, my outbursts help me deal with hers, because if I can't keep my temper on an even keel at all times, how can I expect her to do that?

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I imagine that right now you feel far worse than Linnea does.

You're a human being. You're not perfect, but none of us are. *hugs*