Fame and fortune

[ailbhe]

I was asked to do an interview about traumatic birth for a freelance magazine-not-newspaper journalist, and I agreed on condition she questioned me in email not over the phone, and she did, and that's fine. Now I've been asked to do an interview for a company that are making a documentary for Channel 4.

I can't do it. I hate phonecalls. I have no desire to be on television. I don't want my name on television. I want to be my own editor, dammit, and I don't want to do it in an oral / aural medium. I can't put myself across like that - it doesn't work.

But undoubtedly my birth would have been easier to live with had I know that traumatic birth leading to PTSD was one of the possibilities. So if I did the interview, other people's lives might be easier.

But I have surgery on Tuesday. I haven't had a single appointment with a psychologist yet. I am squishing tears out of my eyes so that I can see to type this, because I feel so guilty about it - but it's much too early. I need to be a lot closer to well, physically and psychologically, before I can undertake anything as stressful as actual publicity.

And for this, I really do need to be my own editor.

Perhaps they could interview someone to speak on my behalf. Would that fill the same moral purpose?

I don't know. I've told them that I can't make any decisions until at least the week beginning 20 December. It's all too fragile now.

What should I do? (in the spirit of tossing a coin to see whether I'm disappointed when it lands).

Comments

[themagdalen.livejournal.com]

I think you know.

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

Did they give you any indication of the timeframe they're working to? IME filming can take place quite a while after they start approaching people, so it's possible you might be able to put off any decision until after New Year at least - which will give you a much better idea of how you're feeling health-wise, at least. And if you said yes and then changed your mind, that's not wrong and wouldn't put them out unduly. It's part and parcel of what they do, so don't feel obligated if you do initially agree - but don't sign a disclaimer until you're absolutely sure.

Would Rob be prepared/interested in speaking on your behalf? That might be something they'd go for.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

You should do what's right for you, and Linnea, and Rob, and *YOU*.

[ailbhe]

How helpful.

[themagdalen.livejournal.com]

Um, that's what I meant to say.
Sorry. :)

Also, rule one is: Don't do anything you can't.

[rosefox]

You might suggest that they interview Rob about what it was like to support you through it. He may be able to describe it in ways that make more sense to an audience, since he was observing rather than experiencing. Of course, I don't know if that's something he'd want to do.

You could also ask for a teleprompter setup, with the whole thing completely scripted out beforehand.

[firecat]

If it were me, given the stress you're under, I would say no unless they can do it exactly the way you want them to. The fact that you had a traumatic birth experience does not morally obligate you to be an educator about it even when it's a bad time for you. There will be other opportunities to educate people about it.

geek answer syndrome answers

[baratron.livejournal.com]

It occurs to me your problem is twofold:
1) you want to get across the message that giving birth can lead to serious injury and trauma
2) but you don't want to make yourself ill by having to go through unnecessary stress

Am I right?

I suspect you won't be happy with a solution that involves you refusing point blank to talk to the journalists, because you feel that you have a duty to other women to warn them of the possible consequences (especially of refusing a Caesarian in some circumstances). So you want to get your point across. But at the same time, putting yourself through stress could be positively dangerous for your health and prolong your recovery - which is the last thing you want. So what you're looking for is some way to tell your story without hurting yourself.

Here is my Geek Answer Syndrome answer: Write a piece about it (you could just edit together several journal entries - or get someone to edit it for you), and have it read out by either a professional actor, or a friend/sibling. Did you ever see Points of View on the BBC? (don't even know if it's still broadcast). They would take letters from viewers each week and show the letter on the screen while a voice actor read it out loud. This could be quite effective, as presumably the voice actors were people used to speaking on the radio or something. The Points of View team would even choose voice actors that were of a similar age, gender and similarly accented (quite how they knew what sort of accent the writer would have, I don't know. Maybe they just went by location).

They could cut excerpts from your letter/article with interviews with other women, who are a bit further down the line of recovering and are better able to talk about it. Or with an interview with Rob, or perhaps your mum, or someone else close to you (are they in contact with your Post-Natal PSTD counsellor? Could she talk about you, with your permission?). This way your story would be told, without you having to be the one doing the telling.

I hope this idea works for you :/

[livi-short.livejournal.com]

It took me nearly ten years before i could talk to people close to me about what i went though.

I think you are amazing in that you did the email one.

Now 14 years on i can talk about it calmly, but i still bust into tears if the wrong thing is said or wrong memory surfaces, which in a televised program may happen.

If you do it insist on edit rights.

Wish i could hug you.

Livi

Re: geek answer syndrome answers

[ailbhe]

I like this idea. Mind you, I don't have a PTSD counsellor yet - I have a bridge-the-gap counsellor with no PTSD experience who is doing her best.

I might consider writing a piece. I'll see what happens after my surgery. Thanks.

Re: geek answer syndrome answers

[livi-short.livejournal.com]

It does seem like a really good solution IMO and you are very good at expressing yourself in writing.

It couldl be a point to discuss with them.

[kelvix.livejournal.com]

From the time I started reading your journal, I've been incredibly struck by your honesty. Writing a journal is one way of working through things.

FWIW, I don't think you should do anything which will disturb your thinking and healing process - you have a heavy enough burden without someone else pushing you to go further than you want to go (or indeed feeling that someone will misinterpret what you said).

Re: geek answer syndrome answers

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I like this idea.

[jenett]

There'll be plenty of time *after* surgery, and after things are hopefully much better for you to help educate people/get information out there.

Don't feel you need to do this now, because what you really need is to take care of yourself, and Linnea, and such.

If they don't mind waiting until the 20th for an answer (or can give you an idea when they'd want to actually do the interview), then sure, take your time deciding. But don't feel guilty if you don't do this now. There'll be lots of other chances to help spread information you care about.

[d-h.livejournal.com]

I would, to stake my colours to the mast, say don't go there.
Television as a storytelling medium tends to express itself through the 'personal story'. Moreover this is as an external observer when compared to media such as print. Given the multiple editing after the interview it would be very difficult to avoid it turning into "your struggle with PTSD" rather than "one person's experience of PTSD".

If it was a year from now my advice would probably be different, but in the midst of things I recommend against it.

Concerning the moral purpose question. Is suspect that having someone talking for you will not be suited to the style of story one can tell on television. As has been said by others you have strengths in making your point in a written form, so perhaps a desire to help could be fulfilled in that way.

Anyway, there's an opinion to like or dislike as you see fit.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yes, absolutely. I agree.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

I'm with the nays. There will be more opportunities.

Television is stressful enough without risking that they will edit or peck you to pieces while you're still going through the worst of it.

The letter thing sounds OK, but please don't feel bad if it doesn't fly. There *will* be more chances to get the information out.

Re: Fame and fortune

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

if it were me, i'd wait with any extraordinary efforts to spread the word until after the surgery and recovery. i might communicate with the people who're making the documentary, and lay this out for them -- who knows, their schedule might well have room for it. that will also give you a chance to find out in how far you can be your own editor, and find out whether you can establish some rapport with people so you can better evaluate whether you can do it at all.

i doubt that it would work to have somebody speak on your behalf, or read a letter; that's not a very television thing to do. but hey, that's their decision to make, you can always suggest it.

in any case, be good to yourself first. things are scary and stressful enough without adding this on top right now. go at your own pace.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

It might be too hard for you know. You'll be a wonderful resource eventually. But that doesn't mean you need to be one right this second.

[murkee.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to offer advice beyond what's been said b others - it's a tough call.

However, I did wonder how they found out about your situation. Surely medical histories can't be easily searched?

Re: geek answer syndrome answers

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Even writing a short note, saying what you told us here (that you really aren't up to doing it, but that you wish you could get information out there of the sort that it would have helped you to have), could be an option that would feel ... like you were doing what you could do, but not signing up for something that is wrong for you guys, all three of you.

Baratron speaks sooth.

Re: Fame and fortune

[elisem.livejournal.com]

i doubt that it would work to have somebody speak on your behalf, or read a letter; that's not a very television thing to do.

Actually, with the right producer/director, it could be brilliant. If I were doing it, I'd use it at the very end, after the main stories (using other people) had been done, and I'd have someone read the letter over a montage of relevant images. The viewers would have just seen how difficult it can be, and the letter explaining the conflicting desires, wanting to help but knowing that one's own well-being must be faithfully attended to, could be a terribly moving, and end things on that reflective note that well-done programs can have. I mean, it's all about unexpected difficulties and hard choices and struggling to get the space, the breath, and the time to heal. (Er, sorry. I'm not even committing minor print essayism any more, but it strikes me as an excellent example of the sort of dilemma such circumstances often feature. It's real, and it's not going to be what people expect, and having someone say, "I've got to concentrate on recovering, and it's too soon to talk about it," could make the point. If done well, anyhow. Er. I blather.)

And after thinking more about it, Ailbhe, I must say that I too come down on the "Don't do it" side, if you were permitting side-taking from us'ns. Because, well, getting that sort of edit power would be unlikely at best. Though your journalists may vary.

I think your instincts are right.

[marlespo.livejournal.com]

You have already made a difference to women who are going through the same thing, you have already reached people. At this point I think it is more important to take care of yourself than it is to try helping even more people - if the stress and worry and anxiety and insecurity of it is more than your sense of well-being, then in my opinion (having also been asked to do interviews that I coudn't do) - it isn't worth it. You are a priority, and you don't need to feel bad about putting yourself first. ((hug))

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

You need to put yourself first. Family second. Rest of the world is a distant third.
This would apply even if you were well, but you're not better yet and it's even more important to put yourself first until you're recovered.

As you want to get your story out, if/when you're up to it, how about writing an article for a magazine? - either a general woman's magazine or a pregnancy one. As other people have said, you write very well. That's why I started reading your journal.

No guilt - it's not up to you to fix the world.

[ailbhe]

I haven't exactly been reticent about it. They haven't searched my medical history - which doesn't mention that I have PTSD anyway, and skims over some of the more alarming aspects of the birth (incomplete medical records are part of the problem, because the staff causing issues are generally also the ones writing up the records). They have probably encountered me on a traumatic birth discussion website thingy.

[rrc.livejournal.com]

I strongly suspect I'd be useless as an interview subject for this.

Right on

[razordemon.livejournal.com]

Looking out for yourself in this instance isn't selfishness -- it doesn't even need to be characterized in those terms.

But you do write extremely well and movingly.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

And so do I. Whole-heartedly.