The state of the traumatic birth and PTSD

[ailbhe]

As per the posts 23 Nov 2004, 12 Oct 2005, and 19 July 2006, it's time for what is probably the final update on this...

• I have moderate intermittent physical pain in my vagina, perineum and rectum, unrelated to posture, activity, or other external factor.


• I need manual intervention to go to the toilet, and a step really, really helps.


• Waiting to go to the toilet is very painful, unless it's just because of a full bladder; I can't feel when I have a full bladder at all.


• Going to the toilet is not painful. You have no idea how much nicer this makes my life.


• No-one grabs my butt in an affectionate manner anymore; the habit had to be broken as it hurts too much.


• My short-term memory loss is under control thanks to techniques I learned during CBT.


• I am always, always sceptical when I hear that a woman is doing well postnatally, unless I hear from her her own self.


• I have given up trying to have sex. What's the point risking that much pain if I can't even get pregnant? The whole thing is just awful.


• I do not have flashbacks about the first birth.


• I do not have panic attacks about medical, infant-related, or sexual things.

It may not seem like much, but those last two statements? There was a time when I couldn't imagine such a life. I do not have flashbacks or panic attacks. I can go to the toilet without pain. This is AMAZING.

Of course, I do get scar pain, and c-section scar pain, and I can't have sex. But hey, you win some you lose some. I can excrete!

Comments

[beaq.livejournal.com]

Can I still be angry for your situation?

[beaq.livejournal.com]

Which isn't to say I'm not really glad you can excrete! Cos I am.

[ailbhe]

I can't sustain continuous anger about it any more - too tiring - but I certainly think anger is appropriate. That hamfisted golf-weekend obstetrician brings himself to my attention every single day.

Luckily, a lot of fabulous people do, too.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I knew this affected you profoundly, but spelling it all out here the way you just did shows me how many ways it has affected you and what progress you have made.

Saying I'm so sorry you had to go through this and it continues to have such an impact on your life seems to fall flat when I say them. I can't convey how much I wish this didn't happen to you, and yet, I'm warmed by the fact that you have had improvements that are amazing for you.

In writing this, what kind of support and/or acknowledgement do you want from your friends list? Are questions welcome, even if they may be quite personal? I'm unclear on this, so I'm checking in.

I hope you continue to see progress. Even slow and steady progress is helpful.

[ailbhe]

I don't feel a particular need for support, but I did feel it important to point out to, er, the universe that physically traumatic birth doesn't go away overnight.

Ask questions if you are interested in the answers; I am comfortable refusing to answer uncomfortable questions.

The part I find hard to believe is that I'm 29. All this happened to me when I was 25 years old. That seems awfully young to lose a sex life, to me.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

That seems awfully young to lose a sex life, to me.

Okay, here's one of those personal questions that you can choose not to answer but about which I am curious. I understand the penis-in-vagina intercourse is going to be right out, but are you able to participate in and enjoy other forms of sexual touching? Is clitoral stimulation painful too?

I, like everyone else, am angry and saddened by what's happened to you, but I hope that maybe there is some way to salvage something of a sex life for you.

[ailbhe]

I hope that once I can come off hormonal contraception my naturally libidinous nature will come up with a solution that doesn't end up with me in tears of either pain or disappointment, but so far? Nope.

Luckily, we have a very good cuddle-life, so our sex-life isn't our only means of physical intimacy.

I'm actually hoping to get to see a sexual therapist too, to sort out any remaining emotional issues around the whole thing. I am aware that I might have unacknowledged issues around genital touching.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

Sounds like seeing a sex therapist would be a good idea. Good luck. And I'm so glad that you have a good cuddle-life at least.

[juliet]

Having wound up with issues around genital touching myself after a badly-handled medical procedure (nowhere near as bad as yours, but highly unpleasant bordering on abusive), I can recommend the sex therapist thing. You do need to be prepared to go in there & be open about things, though (progress, lack of progress, things that are upsetting you) as the first time I tried it I wasn't able to be honest with the therapist & it wasn't much use. Second time around was more useful - although we dug out a whole bunch of things that weren't what I'd expected. Still working on those.

[ailbhe]

Thank you.

Do you think it would be possible without Rob being there?

[juliet]

I explicitly didn't want either of my partners there (for reasons to do with ownership of my own sexuality - NB this is not to indicate that either of 'em was in any way at fault!) & that was fine. I think the default is (or was where I went) that they like to see the partner as well, but it's not obligatory.

I was told that if I wanted them to come along later, or as a once-off or anything, we could do that, but in the event we didn't.

[(Anonymous)]

I went on my own for the first, then my partner went on his own for one, then I went on my own after that.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I think there are things that happen to us that leave a mark on us, even if time passes and after a while, enough healing occurs that life passes for 'normal'. For many people with injuries and chronic illness, I think they adjust by defining a 'new normal' and leave hope for things being much better as something at the back of their heads.

Someone else already asked the question I was going to, so I have not asked, and I've seen your response already.

Yes, I agree that you are awfully young to lose a sex life, and I really hope you find ways to get that kind of pleasure back in your life. Maybe the sex therapy will help, or maybe there are more esoteric alternative things you could do to... reroute where the stimulation works? I admit my ignorance in this area, and it is a delicate issue to discuss.

[dreamalynn.livejournal.com]

I take joy in your progress and I offer understanding of whatever feelings you have over that which is still not where you would like it to be.

[hfnuala.livejournal.com]

It is all just so unfair. I can't think of anything else meaningful to say.

[pauamma]

Thank you for posting this. And my compliments for your determination dealing with this.

[k425.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see those last two. They matter. I'm sorry to see the ante-penultimate, though. You're right, you're far too young to be there.

Re: The state of the traumatic birth and PTSD

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i'm still angry for you too every time you talk about it, but it's inspiring how hard you have worked, and what all you've overcome, despite having this trauma forced on you.

Re: The state of the traumatic birth and PTSD

[ailbhe]

I know I get annoyed when other people do the "No sex? But what about ROB?" thing but really, without a supportive partner, there's no way I could have gotten sane again short of going back to live with my mother. Not that she'd have solved the sex thing, but it's just one part of the whole issue, and she's the only person who can offer me the level of support Rob does. That is, he's the only person who can offer me the level of support she does.

"MY baby ISN'T," as she said.