On Marriage: I welcome discussion

[ailbhe]

I'm pulling this one out for further discussion. I'm particularly interested in the views of people who thought marriage was meaningless, or that it's just unfair because of hetersexual privilege, childrearing privs, etc. I mean, obviously it *is* unfair, but I'm interested in other people's views.

Are you happy that you married Rob?

Depends on what you mean by married. I'm happy we are committed life partners. I'm delighted we're co-parents. I'm thrilled we plan holidays and DIY and grocery shopping and menus together. I'm pleased some of our friends and family came to celebrate our relationship and offer support for our commitment. I'm ambivalent about the legal and social status the legal ceremony gave our relationship. It was originally because of child guardianship laws - only a man (not necessarily the father) married to a woman at the time of birth got automatic next of kin type rights. That law changed I think while I was pregnant, so I felt dreadful. Then civil partnerships showed up and I felt a bit better. It's complicated.

Comments

[juliet]

Disclaimer: as someone else has said, obviously you made what seemed like the best decision for your own situation at the time, which is fair enough. We have to live & work within the existing laws, after all.

Me personally? I wouldn't get married, because I am unhappy with the social & historical connotations of marriage. If civil partnerships were available for male/female relationships, I might consider that (except that I wouldn't due to having >1 partner, but in principle).

Having said which, my other personal objection to marriage is that I don't think my partnership(s) need legal recognition, particularly. (Which, to be clear, is not to imply that if other people want that there's anything wrong with that.) This gets more complicated of course if kids are involved - I'm in the position of managing my own finances, having no dependents, having a legal half-share in my house, etc etc, so it's very easy for me to say that the legality isn't important.

(Although I am reminded that I need to do something about the medical next-of-kin issue.)

Also the idea of standing up in front of people & all the hassle involved makes me shudder :-) (I know you can get married/partnered/whatever without the party & people & hassle, but given that the only reason that works for the whole thing for me personally is the "party & friends" aspect... :-) ).

I think that there still are a whole bunch of social issues around being "married" and the roles of husband and wife, and that these are mostly detrimental to woman (& in some cases to men as well). I also think that however much one may wish to resist those roles, there's enough socialisation behind them that it can be difficult to do so.

[rjw76]

I also think that however much one may wish to resist those roles, there's enough socialisation behind them that it can be difficult to do so.

I have not actually found this any worse since becoming "wife" rather than "female partner living with a man as if married". Society, or at least the bits of it I move in or have to interact with legally, doesn't really seem to distinguish between the two.

Not that this means that there *aren't* any social expectations, of course...

[ailbhe]

I've noticed some differences since becoming "wife", a word neither Rob nor I use very often. Some of these are useful, in regards to stuff like his work and bank things, and some are less so. Much less so.