Plan of Action

[ailbhe]

OK, we have a damage limitation plan:

I stop doing things just for Rob's benefit. I stop saying "we slept in" when he slept in and made us late, I stop saying "we forgot to pay..." when he promised he'd do it and forgot, I stop buying his family presents and not mentioning that he had even forgotten the birthday was soon, I stop reminding him to call his parents, I stop doing his laundry, I stop all the little not-quite-lies I tell to make him look good. I used to do it from some kind of loyalty, from wanting to support him in public, that sort of thing.

I stop nodding and smiling when his mother tells me I should make him dress better or cut his hair. I don't defend his poor personal hygiene to her when she criticises it. I respond not with "I'll try to make him," or "It's his decision - he's an adult," because that doesn't have any effect. Instead, I'll say "He wasn't raised to do these things." Because he clearly wasn't. If he had been, he'd be doing them. Are they important? I have no idea. That's not relevant. They certainly didn't stop me marrying him.

I stop deferring to his judgement when I'm pretty sure he's wrong to "save his feelings" or to "avoid undermining him".

And I bet you that in about ten days I'll have stopped resenting him. And that has got to be good.

(Yes, I have discussed all this with Rob already. I don't wash our dirty laundry in public until it's been washed privately.)

(And yes, I know he's depressed - but I have been living with depression for about 10 months now and PTSD for 7 months longer than that. I can't make allowances for his depression; I have to survive my own.)

Comments

[rmc28]

It sounds very sensible. I'm glad you're talking through these things with each other. I hope it works.