Competitive Parenting, Part 1

[ailbhe]

It occurred to me that this is an imprecise art, and needs some widely-recognised standard. I therefore propose the following points system by which pregnancy can be measured:

1. Conception:
   1. Accidental: -5 points
   2. On first attempt: 0 points
   3. Per year trying: 1 point
   4. Resorting to IVF: 10 points
2. Hyperemesis:
   1. Self-diagnosed: 1 point
   2. Really diagnosed: 2 points
   3. Requiring hospitalisation: 5 points
3. SPD: 5 points
4. Acne: -5 points (especially if it shows in the first new baby photos. Have you no sense of style?!)
5. Labour and birth:
   1. Per hour of labour: 1/4 point (false and spurious labour don't count)
   2. Normal delivery, no intervention: 4 points
   3. With venteuse or forceps, no pain relief: 3 points
   4. With venteuse or forceps, lots of pain relief: 2 points
   5. Catheter: -2 points for yukkiness
   6. With no intervention other than pain relief: 1 point
   7. Induction: 1 point
   8. Also, with induction: 1 point for each additional tube going into the arms
   9. Elective c-section: 1 point
   10. Emergency c-section: 5 points
   11. Home birth: 5 points
   12. Unplanned home birth, with ambulances going wee-waa wee-waa and arriving too late while you deliver the baby yourself on the bathroom floor and wrap it in freshly laundered towels: 10 points (plus all the natural delivery points you can pick up, and the labour time ones)
   13. Also, special bonus points: 1 point per pint of blood lost

Now, I hope that clears things up. We should in future be able to get all the competing sorted out nice and quickly, and get on to more interesting things like going "googoogooGOO!" at the dribblers.

Comments

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

ROFL! I think my potential points all cancel each other out though. And I'd probably add categories for 'weird cravings' and 'life-threatening medical emergencies' (an online friend got HELLP Syndrome which has to be worth at least 20).

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

Are there any points for being a lesbian and sleeping with a man in order to conceive?

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

*grin* I think I would score 12. Very entertaining - thanks!

[firecat]

bwahaha!

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

Do you get any points for not having them at all and:
a) having to put up with people telling you you'll "change your mind when you hold your own";
b) people telling you you're selfish or just plain blank refusing to believe you; and
c) letting your friends who *have* had babies give you all the gory details.[1]

[1]Although this is useful for reminding one that decisions along the lines of "not having them" are Good.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

ammendment to a) ...people telling you you'll change your mind when your 'biological clock' starts ticking

[buzzy-bee.livejournal.com]

I get 13 for Seoras. Assuming a repeat of the last, I'll get 14 with the extra year of trying.

I wasn't sure whether to aware myself some of the number 12 points for ambulances and freshly laundered towels, since they unfortunately featured in my planned homebirth (in bathroom).

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

Well technically mine is, since if I did have kids, I don't want to conceive my first after the age of 35, so it is a subject that we have discussed.

But both G. and I got hassle on the subject at the wedding from a relative who was incredibly patronising about my having kids - apparently Ailbhe going into early labour and my being pleased about it meant that *I* was desperate for kids too.

[ailbhe]

When people (a) at you, do you respond "And if I don't, will *you* take it?"

[ailbhe]

I haven't yet heard anyone in that category boasting about how awful their birth was, or how natural; I think they might be either outside the relevant circles, or above such things.

But I'd say that's worth a good 15 or 20 points, really.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Hah. Just wait a few months until she's doing things like holding her head up, rolling over and sitting unsupported. Then the baby races will _really_ start.

[gioiaverdi.livejournal.com]

belatedly (I was doing all the grim things, okay?) you need to add a 14. Surgical removal of placenta.

The initial category also needs an option of Accidental, despite contraception.

I want all the points I can get, now don't I?

[ailbhe]

I tried very hard not to give points for things I had done unless I knew someone else who had it done too, in case of being accused of biasing the survey *grin*

So we each get a point for manual removal; I don't suppose you can join in and we could get points for ragged / retained membranes too? I don't know anyone else who passed the membranes days later in big fleshy lumps.

[ailbhe]

I had honestly planned to do this, until my baby turned out to be a monster. Now I think it's a bad idea and someone else should.