Competitive Parenting, Part 1

[ailbhe]

It occurred to me that this is an imprecise art, and needs some widely-recognised standard. I therefore propose the following points system by which pregnancy can be measured:

1. Conception:
   1. Accidental: -5 points
   2. On first attempt: 0 points
   3. Per year trying: 1 point
   4. Resorting to IVF: 10 points
2. Hyperemesis:
   1. Self-diagnosed: 1 point
   2. Really diagnosed: 2 points
   3. Requiring hospitalisation: 5 points
3. SPD: 5 points
4. Acne: -5 points (especially if it shows in the first new baby photos. Have you no sense of style?!)
5. Labour and birth:
   1. Per hour of labour: 1/4 point (false and spurious labour don't count)
   2. Normal delivery, no intervention: 4 points
   3. With venteuse or forceps, no pain relief: 3 points
   4. With venteuse or forceps, lots of pain relief: 2 points
   5. Catheter: -2 points for yukkiness
   6. With no intervention other than pain relief: 1 point
   7. Induction: 1 point
   8. Also, with induction: 1 point for each additional tube going into the arms
   9. Elective c-section: 1 point
   10. Emergency c-section: 5 points
   11. Home birth: 5 points
   12. Unplanned home birth, with ambulances going wee-waa wee-waa and arriving too late while you deliver the baby yourself on the bathroom floor and wrap it in freshly laundered towels: 10 points (plus all the natural delivery points you can pick up, and the labour time ones)
   13. Also, special bonus points: 1 point per pint of blood lost

Now, I hope that clears things up. We should in future be able to get all the competing sorted out nice and quickly, and get on to more interesting things like going "googoogooGOO!" at the dribblers.

Comments

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

ROFL! I think my potential points all cancel each other out though. And I'd probably add categories for 'weird cravings' and 'life-threatening medical emergencies' (an online friend got HELLP Syndrome which has to be worth at least 20).