Competitive Parenting, Part 1

[ailbhe]

It occurred to me that this is an imprecise art, and needs some widely-recognised standard. I therefore propose the following points system by which pregnancy can be measured:

1. Conception:
   1. Accidental: -5 points
   2. On first attempt: 0 points
   3. Per year trying: 1 point
   4. Resorting to IVF: 10 points
2. Hyperemesis:
   1. Self-diagnosed: 1 point
   2. Really diagnosed: 2 points
   3. Requiring hospitalisation: 5 points
3. SPD: 5 points
4. Acne: -5 points (especially if it shows in the first new baby photos. Have you no sense of style?!)
5. Labour and birth:
   1. Per hour of labour: 1/4 point (false and spurious labour don't count)
   2. Normal delivery, no intervention: 4 points
   3. With venteuse or forceps, no pain relief: 3 points
   4. With venteuse or forceps, lots of pain relief: 2 points
   5. Catheter: -2 points for yukkiness
   6. With no intervention other than pain relief: 1 point
   7. Induction: 1 point
   8. Also, with induction: 1 point for each additional tube going into the arms
   9. Elective c-section: 1 point
   10. Emergency c-section: 5 points
   11. Home birth: 5 points
   12. Unplanned home birth, with ambulances going wee-waa wee-waa and arriving too late while you deliver the baby yourself on the bathroom floor and wrap it in freshly laundered towels: 10 points (plus all the natural delivery points you can pick up, and the labour time ones)
   13. Also, special bonus points: 1 point per pint of blood lost

Now, I hope that clears things up. We should in future be able to get all the competing sorted out nice and quickly, and get on to more interesting things like going "googoogooGOO!" at the dribblers.

Comments

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

Do you get any points for not having them at all and:
a) having to put up with people telling you you'll "change your mind when you hold your own";
b) people telling you you're selfish or just plain blank refusing to believe you; and
c) letting your friends who *have* had babies give you all the gory details.[1]

[1]Although this is useful for reminding one that decisions along the lines of "not having them" are Good.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

ammendment to a) ...people telling you you'll change your mind when your 'biological clock' starts ticking

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

Well technically mine is, since if I did have kids, I don't want to conceive my first after the age of 35, so it is a subject that we have discussed.

But both G. and I got hassle on the subject at the wedding from a relative who was incredibly patronising about my having kids - apparently Ailbhe going into early labour and my being pleased about it meant that *I* was desperate for kids too.

[ailbhe]

When people (a) at you, do you respond "And if I don't, will *you* take it?"