I am not having a row with my mother-in-law

[ailbhe]

I am not, I am not, I am not. I know she means well. I know she means well. I know she means well. She is very sorry. She is very sorry. She is very sorry.

Must... stop... feeling... stressed... about... this...

Gods, I hate the idea that anyone, ever, has the right to "expect" gifts. I hate it. That's not a gift, that's a tithe. And putting together a bloody shopping list makes me feel dirty. Why don't I just ask them all for cash?

Comments

[lovingboth]

It's what some cultures do!

"If you want to give something, you can send a donation to xyz charity?"

[artela.livejournal.com]

Why don't I just ask them all for cash?

Why not indeed. Another couple we know who just got married asked for cash instead of presents as they have already have everything they need for a home as they're combining two homes into one. They asked for "cash to help pay for the Honeymoon" mind you - they're doing a 3 week to Australia via a couple of places as their Honeymoon seeing as their first choice (safari in and around Zimbabwe) was a dit of a no-no right now.

Change the rules

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

I like this idea - make a list of your favourite 10 charities. Then decide whether you want to put the ones on the `please donate to one of these instead of buying me stuph' list which will most, or least, offend your mother-in-law...

[(Anonymous)]

Not knowing the details I couldn't comment on the (non-existant) row itself. But from my point of view, No no-one should expect gifts. As you say that's what makes them 'gifts'. But a large number of people (i.e. prety much everyone I know) expect to /give/ gifts at certain occasions Weddings, Birthdays, Aniversaries, etc.

I would say it had nothing whatever to do with you recieveing and everything to do with the other person giving. It's not 'your right' it's 'their priverledge' They want to give you something to join in your day and perhaps help make it more special for you. Some people don't feel like simply turning up is enough, some people do.

My view has always been to generously accept any gifts that are offered and not care if someone doesn't give you anything. After all it costs you nothing in either case, on the conterary you might get gift(s) out of it.

*shrug* Just my advice.

A Nonny Moose (The Gift-giving Moose)

[souldier-blue.livejournal.com]

I agree that people often want to give gifts and it's more about *that*, than receiving them. If you don't make a wedding list you run the risk of receiving some really quite hideous gifts that you will then feel obliged to keep. You could have a list, but emphasise the lack of need to buy anything, or as already mentioned, suggest making a donation to charity instead.

Geek Answer Syndrome

[redbird]

As someone else observed, there are people who want to give gifts to celebrate, and either don't know you well enough to know what you like, or do know but also know that, say, you already have all the books by your favorite author, and that you don't need 33 identical kitchen gadgets.

Part of the problem, I think, is that the wedding gift registry goes back to a time when it was expected that the newlywed couple were setting up house for the first time--not just that they'd not lived together beforehand, but that the bride had lived with her parents and thus didn't have things like sheets and silverware.

You could tell her that you're feeling too caught up in wedding planning to even think about this right now, and that if anyone asks her (which some of Rob's relatives may) she should tell them that anything that reminds you of the giver would be welcome. This is likely to land you lots of little tchotchkes, but there are far worse fates.

[ailbhe]

Money towards the honeymoon was vetoed by the M-I-L as crass. Our honeymoon is visiting her mother as she can't come to the wedding.

Geek Answer Syndrome

[ailbhe]

Sadly (and I realise I'm starting to sound like someone who rejects all the answers offered as useless in order to magnify the importance of my problem) this was my initial response; "something that means something to the giver, something handmade, something small that they chose that will make us think of them". It was after I said that that she got us to write the list.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

The only function at which a gift is expected is a shower. And gifts ARE expected at showers. If you have a bridal shower, THAT'S where you get manditory gifts.

Naturally, of course, you can't throw a shower for yourself. Also, a blood relative can't throw one for you.

Make you mother-in-law do it. That'll get her off your back.

Seriously, though, we had a wedding registry when we got married. We believe that it's not a terrible thing to have. It's a terrible thing to TELL people that you have a wedding registry if they don't ask. You can't HINT that you have one. But, if someone directly asks you, "where are you registered?" you may answer.

A wedding registry makes sense if you look at it from the other end, not from yours. It's clearly not a bad thing to want to give a present to someone to mark a happy event. It's also not a bad thing to ask someone's friends and intimates what would be appriciated, if you don't know that person all that well, but are still moved to give a gift.

Automating that process is emotionally a little iffy, but, ettiquette-wise it's still okay. You just need to be careful that you don't cross a line.

Here's what we did. We registered at a couple places. We had a hidden page on our website which had a list of where we were registered. It wasn't locked, but no page linked to it -- you could only get there by knowing the exact URL. If someone asked us where we were registered, we could either say, "Ask our parents," or, "Go to this URL."

That way, we never had to answer the question, "where are you registered?" And we didn't. Naturally, we NEVER brought up the topic.

As far as the registry itself goes: we made sure to have things on it at various price points. There were $5 items, $20 items, $100 items. If someone really wanted to give us a gift, purchase rather than make it, and had little money, and felt like going through the registry, we wanted to make sure that they could. And that actually was the case with a couple people.

If someone came up to you and said, "I'd really like to get you something for your wedding, but I don't know what you'd appriciate," I'm sure you'd say, "You don't have to, but if you really want to, anything is fine." And you'd mean it.

And then THAT person would leave incredibly frustrated and upset that they couldn't get you something they KNEW you'd like.

Imagine that you're someone who really sucks at picking presents. Imagine that you deeply want to get a present for someone.

What would you do?

Wedding lists

[ocultado.livejournal.com]

As someone who always hated and detested the idea of wedding lists as being crass and selfish, I'm beginning to come around to the idea of them.

I've reached the age where I'm going to a lot of weddings. For the more personal friends I can normally find something appropriate, but for the weddings of people I don't know quite so well, a wedding list is a life saver. I won't buy anything if I don't want to, but a lot of the time I do want to buy something, but have no idea what. An online wedding list is great - that way I can just take a look for inspiration.

I think the trick is to put a lot of things around the €20 region. This has a few advantages - no-one feels they have to spend €100 on something, and most shops will allow you to take something to the value of the presents bought. So if you receive 20 €20 gifts, you can buy something for €400 - that new TV or freezer or whatever it is you need.

[ailbhe]

Showers: They aren't done on this side of the pond, as far as I know. I think they're a weird American thing :)

If someone came up to you and said, "I'd really like to get you something for your wedding, but I don't know what you'd appreciate," I'm sure you'd say, "You don't have to, but if you really want to, anything is fine." And you'd mean it.

The people who actually asked us what we wanted were told "We honestly don't want anything." If they then said "Oh, but I want to get you something!" they were told either "How about bedding? we just got a new king-sized bed. Our room is yellow," if they didn't know us very well, or "What we'd like best would be something you made yourself, or something that will remind us of you. You like frogs; get us a small frog ornament," or similar.

What would you do?

Ask, and then give them what they asked for unless it was hideously expensive. Offer to take $person out shopping one day. Ask $person's friends.

I think the major issue here is that we were told to write a list because MIL thought that people would ask her what we wanted and she didn't want to tell them "They don't want gifts, honestly, but what they'd like best if you feel you want to give them something, is something that will remind them of the giver. Or, failing that, an anonymous contribution to the honeymoon fund. They don't want to know who gave what amount for that, so that everyone will feel comfortable giving no more than they can afford comfortably."

Only one person has asked MIL what we wanted. One. Out of a possible 20 or so. And she asked us to produce this list before anyone had asked for anything, as far as I know.

Ho hum.

Am I still missing something?

A.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Am I still missing something?

No, you seem to have covered all the bases. If I were to get married - and not, as I've threatened, have a wedding list at a bookshop :-) - I'd probably do something strikingly similar.

But obviously, the Giving of Things in Large Quantities meme is fairly tenacious, and it has a whole etiquette associated with it, so deviation is bound to raise eyebrows (and voices?) with those who still maintain it's a good idea.

(I don't know whether my parents had a list, but they tell how my grandmother hijacked their reception, inviting so many of her friends - who had, needless to say, invited her to their daughters' weddings - that many of my parents' friends couldn't attend.)

[ailbhe]

Have a wedding list at a bookshop. It will be Much Easier.

I am so glad that neither of our sets of parents insisted on specific guests.

[megabitch.livejournal.com]

Up ^ there, you said you m-i-l vetoed asking for cash as being too crass. IMO, the only people who should have any kind of say in such things are you and Rob, unless the other person is footing the bill. If she's footing the bill, then ignore what I've said. There are a couple of travel agents in Perth (.au) that do a "wedding list" for people to donate cash to for the couple to use to pay for their honeymoon - damned good idea.

You know what you're getting from us - well, in a vague "Kayla paints stuff" way :) BTW, if you'd prefer a painting, tell me which one. You've seen my opinion on wedding lists on a different forum, so I won't go into the whole thing here :)

[ailbhe]

Glassware would be more useful to us than a painting, to be honest - we're short on wallspace! Besides, I already have two-sets-of-two from your work, so more would be nice.