I am not having a row with my mother-in-law

[ailbhe]

I am not, I am not, I am not. I know she means well. I know she means well. I know she means well. She is very sorry. She is very sorry. She is very sorry.

Must... stop... feeling... stressed... about... this...

Gods, I hate the idea that anyone, ever, has the right to "expect" gifts. I hate it. That's not a gift, that's a tithe. And putting together a bloody shopping list makes me feel dirty. Why don't I just ask them all for cash?

Comments

[ailbhe]

Showers: They aren't done on this side of the pond, as far as I know. I think they're a weird American thing :)

If someone came up to you and said, "I'd really like to get you something for your wedding, but I don't know what you'd appreciate," I'm sure you'd say, "You don't have to, but if you really want to, anything is fine." And you'd mean it.

The people who actually asked us what we wanted were told "We honestly don't want anything." If they then said "Oh, but I want to get you something!" they were told either "How about bedding? we just got a new king-sized bed. Our room is yellow," if they didn't know us very well, or "What we'd like best would be something you made yourself, or something that will remind us of you. You like frogs; get us a small frog ornament," or similar.

What would you do?

Ask, and then give them what they asked for unless it was hideously expensive. Offer to take $person out shopping one day. Ask $person's friends.

I think the major issue here is that we were told to write a list because MIL thought that people would ask her what we wanted and she didn't want to tell them "They don't want gifts, honestly, but what they'd like best if you feel you want to give them something, is something that will remind them of the giver. Or, failing that, an anonymous contribution to the honeymoon fund. They don't want to know who gave what amount for that, so that everyone will feel comfortable giving no more than they can afford comfortably."

Only one person has asked MIL what we wanted. One. Out of a possible 20 or so. And she asked us to produce this list before anyone had asked for anything, as far as I know.

Ho hum.

Am I still missing something?

A.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Am I still missing something?

No, you seem to have covered all the bases. If I were to get married - and not, as I've threatened, have a wedding list at a bookshop :-) - I'd probably do something strikingly similar.

But obviously, the Giving of Things in Large Quantities meme is fairly tenacious, and it has a whole etiquette associated with it, so deviation is bound to raise eyebrows (and voices?) with those who still maintain it's a good idea.

(I don't know whether my parents had a list, but they tell how my grandmother hijacked their reception, inviting so many of her friends - who had, needless to say, invited her to their daughters' weddings - that many of my parents' friends couldn't attend.)

[ailbhe]

Have a wedding list at a bookshop. It will be Much Easier.

I am so glad that neither of our sets of parents insisted on specific guests.

[megabitch.livejournal.com]

Up ^ there, you said you m-i-l vetoed asking for cash as being too crass. IMO, the only people who should have any kind of say in such things are you and Rob, unless the other person is footing the bill. If she's footing the bill, then ignore what I've said. There are a couple of travel agents in Perth (.au) that do a "wedding list" for people to donate cash to for the couple to use to pay for their honeymoon - damned good idea.

You know what you're getting from us - well, in a vague "Kayla paints stuff" way :) BTW, if you'd prefer a painting, tell me which one. You've seen my opinion on wedding lists on a different forum, so I won't go into the whole thing here :)

[ailbhe]

Glassware would be more useful to us than a painting, to be honest - we're short on wallspace! Besides, I already have two-sets-of-two from your work, so more would be nice.