Not right now, but sometimes

[ailbhe]

I feel remarkably peaceful today, which is a good time to write about these things.

Sometimes, I get an almost overpowering urge to leave.

Leave my job, leave my friends, vanish. Even from Rob. I know that this is not a real urge, not a true desire, so I quash it. But it pops up again occasionally.

This is usually accompanied by a powerful desire to scream at someone, often someone I love, and tell them some terrible, painful truth about themselves, so that they will hurt as much as - get this - I used to. There is no urge to scream at people I don't love; it seems to be a desire to hurt someone I love and drive them away.

Somewhat more often, I just want to scream. Cry. Break things. Throw things. This is, I think, just common or garden frustration and as such can be ignored, as long as I know why I feel it at that time and can deal with its apparent immediate cause.

I also have a long-standing quiet desire to throw myself forward on the wind off Dun Aengus and fall all the way down to the crashing, roaring sea. This is, unfortunately, completely divorced from any desire to be smashed violently against the rocks, so I doubt I'll ever do it.

Comments

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

That last is a good point.