Not right now, but sometimes

[ailbhe]

I feel remarkably peaceful today, which is a good time to write about these things.

Sometimes, I get an almost overpowering urge to leave.

Leave my job, leave my friends, vanish. Even from Rob. I know that this is not a real urge, not a true desire, so I quash it. But it pops up again occasionally.

This is usually accompanied by a powerful desire to scream at someone, often someone I love, and tell them some terrible, painful truth about themselves, so that they will hurt as much as - get this - I used to. There is no urge to scream at people I don't love; it seems to be a desire to hurt someone I love and drive them away.

Somewhat more often, I just want to scream. Cry. Break things. Throw things. This is, I think, just common or garden frustration and as such can be ignored, as long as I know why I feel it at that time and can deal with its apparent immediate cause.

I also have a long-standing quiet desire to throw myself forward on the wind off Dun Aengus and fall all the way down to the crashing, roaring sea. This is, unfortunately, completely divorced from any desire to be smashed violently against the rocks, so I doubt I'll ever do it.

Comments

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

That last is a good point.

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

I have urges like that too. Like it feels it's all too good to last so I should run away before it collapses. It's got a lot less lately - I'm more secure about Gideon (and said insecurity was my fault, not his).

And besides, you and half a million other people would hunt me down and do horrible things to me for breaking his heart.

My own mother would kill me

[ailbhe]

not to mention what my most intimate friends would do. It's really far, far easier to stay where I am.

Me too

[livi-short.livejournal.com]

Glad to know I’m not the only one who feels that way at times.

Jaz calls it my self-destruct mode. Luckily for me he is good at sensing that I am feeling that way and lets me have some space to pull through it.

Why is this?

We are all three very sensible, good looking, intelligent females... so why do we have an urge to be a lemming?

Especially as we all three have found ourselves gorgeous, intelligent, funny, irresistible men?

I think we should set up a group therapy session... not for us but for our guys..

At least now if any of us go through these moods we can at least chat to each other, knowing they will understand.

[sshi.livejournal.com]

Funny, I've heard at least three people say in the last week that they'd be very keen on running away to an island in Galway and settling down to raise sheep/goats/rabbits/ostriches. And it's not even the millenium any more...

[liadnan]

The desire to run away from everything is not that unusual I think, particularly when under stress but not only then. Only six months back I was semi-seriously considering doing a Reggie Perrin and becoming a carpet seller in Istanbul.
I think all one can do is grit one's teeth and keep going through periods like this.