Hmph.

[ailbhe]

So part of it is mental health, but part of why I hate myself so much is because I am capable of being really, really crap, through what I have done and what I have failed to do.

Comments

[birke]

Pick any human out of the 7 billion and they're going to be capable of being really, really crap. And have been. Basically, you just admitted that you're a person.

[rmc28]

So am I. So are most people. I'm still working on the self-compassion but I do try for "what I would forgive in others I must also forgive in myself".

In my experience, self-dislike & bad mental health times correlate.

[submarine_bells]

So how do you imagine that it is different for anyone else?

We all screw up from time to time. Goodness knows, I've screwed up fairly dramatically on occasion. Periodic screwing-up is part of the human condition.

I think it'd be more appropriate and correct to start your post with something like "This is mental-health related..." Truly. It's a well-known depression-and-anxiety-related thingie that those so afflicted will tend to focus more on the negative aspects of their experiences and give them more weight in their self-assessments. There's no "objective truth" that makes you suck more than most folk. We all suck now and then.

You're just fine, you know. You're a good person. I certainly find many things to admire about you; and the fact that you do stuff up from time to time doesn't invalidate those good things, any more than it does for anyone else. Shakespeare's sonnets wouldn't be any less lovely if he'd been (for example) a lazy layabout, or forgotten to pay his rent regularly, or rude to folk when he got tired, or.... or... or...

*hug* Don't listen to the voices in your head that tell you that you lack virtues. Those voices lie. You're a good and decent person, with friends and family who love you. Remember that.

[ailbhe]

I hurt a child. On purpose. I'll recover - she has - but it's significant.

[submarine_bells]

Hurt how? There are a zillion ways to hurt someone, and not every single one is a disaster.

I think, on balance, given what I've seen of your mothering style, I'd definitely and without a doubt rather have had you as my mother than the mother I got.

[ailbhe]

I'm far too ashamed to go into details. But I do need to sort it out and avoid recurrence; I can see now that my temper has been escalating for a while.

[submarine_bells]

Getting a grip on one's temper is generally a good idea, especially if one is not happy about the way it is manifesting. But it's also worth remembering that children can be aggravating little shits at times, and getting frustrated with their shenanigans now and then is *normal*. If your expectation of yourself is that you will always approach them in a spirit of zenlike calm, with butterflies and golden sunlight attending you, then you may possibly not have entirely realistic expectations of yourself. :-7

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff. But do please try to remember that you're human! It's not good to screw up, but neither does it mean that you're the devil incarnate and unworthy of love. (Also remember that if you're not eating well, as you mentioned in another post, that will also affect your ability to cope with stress and annoyances in the moment. Low blood sugar = irritability and difficulty maintaining an even keel for many folk. Perhaps there might have been a bit of that going on when things went over the edge for you?)

[serene]

We're all capable of that. The choices that aren't "accept that and do my best" aren't much fun.

I love you, and admire you a great deal. I don't say that very often. My admiration doesn't come cheaply.

[serene]

I did, too. I still see it in my head, twenty years later. The horror and shame of it stay with me. I didn't burn him with cigarettes or anything, but I hit him -- I don't say "spanked", I say "hit" -- and I'm so terribly sorry I did it. It didn't undo the surrounding twenty-one years of love and protection and companionship and caregiving, though. It really didn't.

Love you. Love you. Love you.

[taimatsu]

I think almost everyone is capable of being really, really crap, and an awful lot of people *have been* really, really crap. I guess it doesn't help to know that the rest of us are just as bad?

(Not questioning your statement that you are capable of being really, really crap because it would feel rude, although it's possible the crap is less crap than you think it is.)

[cabbagemedley.livejournal.com]

What taimatsu said about everyone being capable of total crapness. If you deserve to be hated for it then so does everyone else on the planet - really really. Also, please remember that depression and PMS are horrible liars that utterly distort the truth. (Says me who was fighting the compulsion to overdose two days ago because the hormones were telling me I was just no good. That certainly wasn't true.)

Please do have some food. Branes need fuel. Could you phone in takeaway or get it on the internets via Just-Eat, if the only things in the house require more preparation than you can manage right now? It can be expensive but sometimes needs must. If I was local I'd come round with a great big casserole. :(

[flybabydizzy.livejournal.com]

I empathise with how that feels, but I can assure you that you are far less crap as a parent than I am, and my two seem to have forgiven me, in the main. You judge yourself too harshly, and set yourself so many high targets.
Sending love

[jexia]

Everyone is ALLOWED to be really really crap occasionally. Even you.

[cherade9.livejournal.com]

Oh love, what you said just there is exactly how I'm feeling about myself atm. I'm very tired of making mistakes with money, overspending and generally fucking up. If it's any comfort you are a lovely person. You have so much happening in your life, with the kids and the house and dealing with health issues, that you end up being really hard on yourself. I hope you can find some peace and relief soon.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

I bet you don't think that other people who are crap in the same ways that you are crap should hate themselves, though. *hugs*

[baratron.livejournal.com]

That's depression for you.

In the spirit of misery loving company, let me tell you what I have failed to do recently. I did not renew my library books - ANY of my library books from multiple libraries - even though all I needed to do was click on a link in my email, then click on two buttons on the website. I kept thinking "oh, I'll take the books back to the library myself when I feel better". Now I owe a ridiculous amount in library fines - probably as much as I just earned for teaching my student today.

Look. You're not "really, really crap". You are temporarily out of cope, which has made your behaviour over the past $amount_of_time feel really, really crap when you've looked back on it. I like to distinguish crapness of behaviour due to circumstances from crapness of the basic person. It helps me, because if I am a crap person, then I might as well not even bother; but if I've been behaving in a crap way, I can at least apologise to those I have wronged and try to make things better once I have spoons to do so.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it's how I think of things.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Being, after all, human.

*hugs you gently*

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Dang, everybody else already said everything I was going to say.

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

It is ALL mental health, and also some outside-the-brain health. You are kind. You need kindness. You are loved. You are good. Depression lies to you from inside your brain.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

My life is a big academic failure, which I can't yet leave behind, as people keep asking how my degree is coming on & what my plans are :(

In an ideal world, I would live on a tiny island & be self sufficent (where possible) & bloody assignments would be unecessary.

[sfred]

Yes, this.

[pauamma]

Thirded.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the human race.