So part of it is mental health, but part of why I hate myself so much is because I am capable of being really, really crap, through what I have done and what I have failed to do.
Hurt how? There are a zillion ways to hurt someone, and not every single one is a disaster.
I think, on balance, given what I've seen of your mothering style, I'd definitely and without a doubt rather have had you as my mother than the mother I got.
I'm far too ashamed to go into details. But I do need to sort it out and avoid recurrence; I can see now that my temper has been escalating for a while.
Getting a grip on one's temper is generally a good idea, especially if one is not happy about the way it is manifesting. But it's also worth remembering that children can be aggravating little shits at times, and getting frustrated with their shenanigans now and then is *normal*. If your expectation of yourself is that you will always approach them in a spirit of zenlike calm, with butterflies and golden sunlight attending you, then you may possibly not have entirely realistic expectations of yourself. :-7
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff. But do please try to remember that you're human! It's not good to screw up, but neither does it mean that you're the devil incarnate and unworthy of love. (Also remember that if you're not eating well, as you mentioned in another post, that will also affect your ability to cope with stress and annoyances in the moment. Low blood sugar = irritability and difficulty maintaining an even keel for many folk. Perhaps there might have been a bit of that going on when things went over the edge for you?)
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Date: 2012-04-17 09:40 pm (UTC)I think, on balance, given what I've seen of your mothering style, I'd definitely and without a doubt rather have had you as my mother than the mother I got.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-17 09:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-17 09:55 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff. But do please try to remember that you're human! It's not good to screw up, but neither does it mean that you're the devil incarnate and unworthy of love. (Also remember that if you're not eating well, as you mentioned in another post, that will also affect your ability to cope with stress and annoyances in the moment. Low blood sugar = irritability and difficulty maintaining an even keel for many folk. Perhaps there might have been a bit of that going on when things went over the edge for you?)