Permission

[ailbhe]

One of the most wonderful things to come out of my terrifying brush with madness - well, ok, plunge into madness - last winter, when I spent most of my energy preventing myself from killing myself and persuading myself that Rob wasn't hurting the children or plotting terrible things to do to me, was permission to do things I like.

And I started painting.

And from that grew - oh, all sorts of things!

We have been in the income bracket that allows stuff like redecorating and new clothes for ages, but I didn't act on it. But this year I have - we got a new red kitchen, and new red dining chairs, and a new floor in the back bedroom, and all sorts of things. Now we're going to get the wardrobes I started wishing for before Emer was born but couldn't justify because -- well, not because they were more expensive than what we got instead, because they weren't a lot more expensive. Mainly because I liked them so much. If I like stuff enough I assume it's frivolous and irresponsible, like red chairs. Then when I get it I am dancingly happy; you'd think I'd have figured it out by now.

I'm figuring it out this year. I have regular Arting sessions. I am allowed to decorate the house in ways which make me happy as well as being functional. I keep taking the pills and we're all remembering that I need to rest a bit sometimes. It mostly works.

And real soon now I will be allowed to make my Coat Tree.

Comments

[pauamma]

Go you!

[serene]

So much love for this post, I can't even tell you.

[cherade9.livejournal.com]

Yay! I know just what you mean. After having my last breakdown and my ex leaving, I realised that this is the only life I have. Right now, this minute, the choices I make are my life. So having a home that makes me comfortable and happy is a good thing. Having lots of pretty things to look at, textile projects and my OU study is not only 'allowed' but mandatory!

I really am glad things are better for you now. You *are* a great Mum and the girls are growing up wonderfully. You did that. Well done!

[etoile-violet.livejournal.com]

Oh, very much this. I still feel guilty about having Things, but I'm stuck in the house most of the time and I get even more miserable if my surroundings aren't attractive and comforting, and if I don't have DVDs and SingStar to help me deal with the boredom and lack of energy. I still don't have much Stuff, but what I do have is beautiful and/or useful, and helps keep me going.

It's not materialism, or frivolity, or irresponsibility - it's looking after yourself and investing in your well-being.

[nicnacpaddywac.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've realised these things.

[taimatsu]

Hurrarrrr! Many many paintingness and happy cheerful things and doing stuff you like. I would like to plan more exciting fun things with you (maybe in the new year, at this rate!).

I'm glad you are getting wardrobes you wanted :)

[piqueen.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether a different perspective will help or just add pressure. I hope that it will be the former but if it is the latter please try to ignore this observation. My mother was excellent at self sacrifice but she never taught us the value of doing something you love. We learnt about duty and responsibility but everything I learned about joy and pleasure seeking I learned from my friends. Set a good example for your girls by doing things that make you joyful.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you and I had a similar upbringing. The only thing I ever saw my mother do for herself was take classical guitar lessons. And then she got up an hour before the children woke in the morning to practice. So I learned that you're *only* allowed to do things for yourself if they don't interfere *at all* with the responsibility of running a perfect household (which my childhood home was, because I had 2 naturally organized, obsessively neat parents). Since I can't run a perfect household, I don't get to do things for myself. I'm still working on un-learning that one, and I'm in my early 40s...

[k425.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are giving yourself permission to do things you like.

And I'm really looking forward to seeing your coat tree!

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

all of this. this post made me happy.

[jexia]

I am so proud of you. Let me say it again; I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

I am learning a lot, and being very thought-provoked, from your posts on this type of thing. Thank you. I find it ridiculously difficult to give myself permission to do almost anything.