The sleeping will continue until morale improves

Good thing: we are getting a little more sleep

Bad thing: Mine is frequently interrupted by a hungry baby, and I am having nightmares beyond belief. Between 1:30 and 3:15, for example, I was buried alive no fewer than three times. It didn't get much better until Linnea woke and I went in to her bed.

Good thing: We got loads of stuff we needed for Linnea; horrible polyester sleepsuits (babygros, she says!) which she adores, and socks from the back to school range, and vests (boys' vests are warmer than girls' vests, surprise surprise).

The blue sleepsuit is larger and roomier than the pink sleepsuit.

It's probably just as well that I'm stuck at home today. I got some laundry hung up outdoors, even, and another load put on. And I drank some tea. I ought to bake a bara brith, and have some breakfast, and brush my teeth and comb my hair. All my combs are mysteriously filthy, even though I scrubbed them and only used them to brush freshly-washed hair. I think my hair is still pregnant.

Linnea continues to be a joy and a delight ("My a shepherd! ROAR!") and Emer is getting chattier and chattier, though she will never, thank gods, be as chatty as Linnea. She's asleep in the sling now, and I could put her down, but we've reached a point where when I can't see or hear them I think they might be dead, so here she stays.

She's ten weeks old and last night got hysterical; it looked and sounded like acid reflux without the spitup. Linnea was eleven weeks when she had that sleep apnea. I may not put Emer down for a fortnight. Her teeth are also slightly in evidence, but were not apparently painful last night.

Right. Food and cake-making. Then maybe hanging the rest of the laundry.

HV-5

The health visitor is coming in five minutes.

We had scrambled eggs and toast and bread and jam for lunch. I made bara brith. I emptied the dishwasher and started refilling it. I brushed my teeth, used a disclosing tablet to show myself what a lousy job I'd done of it, and brushed them again. I have a new rechargable electric toothbrush.

I'm looking for somewhere online that will let me send them a full-length adult-and-children photo and turn it into Christmas cards. Does anyone recommend anywhere? Ideally, I'd like more than one photo, but as only one has been taken so far, that's that. (I'd also like volunteers to take pics of the four of us on the trike, since that's the other pic we want and it's one I can't take myself).

Time is on my side, and so is everyone else.

The HV came today and I am, unsurprisingly, depressed. So I pootle off for drugs on Monday. I must also remember to mention the SPD. And later on Monday is Emer's vaccination appointment. I can't remember what the vaccines are now. Gods I hate being depressed, it makes me so stupid. At least, since I don't know what they are or anything about them, I do know that she's going to be 11 weeks old getting them, not only 8.

Other than that, I've been refilling my Filofax, including scribbled notepaper as an end-of-2006 diary, and I will make my various lists in it shortly (I keep lists on yellow paper in This Week, for medical appointments, library books, and ongoing shopping lists).

My Health Visitor made my appointments for me, because my phone phobia is back. I really do have excellent support.

And maybe soon I'll stop thinking everyone is going to die.

(I still need to write about the weekend - market, bookshop, friend, dinner, P&P, swimming, mighty massive shopping, and all).

Depressed

It's very odd. I'm so used to being depressed that I almost don't notice it. Since Linnea's birth I feel a lot less misplaced guilt, because of all the fabulous therapy I did, with and without therapists; that's now externally-directed anger, so that's good, on the whole, unless you're Rob.

But I'm depressed, which means I put more effort into going out, getting involved, doing things. I make more effort to find and talk to people. I start more conversations.

It only falls apart when I stay at home all day and have no public face to put on. Then I do my best to ignore my children, and my own need to eat or pee or whatever, and try to get involved in pointless stuff like reading LJ communities of which I am not a member, or voice posts (yes, I made a voice post to LJ while my new baby was complaining of neglect in the background. This shows skewed priorities, I feel, but I will try to get her to talk cheerfully near a phone soon).

I think the staying up late is the worst bit. I should make a point of hanging laundry outdoors as soon as I get dressed, really. Outdoor light is so very, very important.

If only I wasn't depressed, I'd summon the motivation to do that, too. Heh.

Still, we'll get there. I know what the problem is. I'm working on it. I'm not letting it harm my children any more than it must. And both pairs of my jeans are in the laundry right now with pee on them.