Depressed

[ailbhe]

It's very odd. I'm so used to being depressed that I almost don't notice it. Since Linnea's birth I feel a lot less misplaced guilt, because of all the fabulous therapy I did, with and without therapists; that's now externally-directed anger, so that's good, on the whole, unless you're Rob.

But I'm depressed, which means I put more effort into going out, getting involved, doing things. I make more effort to find and talk to people. I start more conversations.

It only falls apart when I stay at home all day and have no public face to put on. Then I do my best to ignore my children, and my own need to eat or pee or whatever, and try to get involved in pointless stuff like reading LJ communities of which I am not a member, or voice posts (yes, I made a voice post to LJ while my new baby was complaining of neglect in the background. This shows skewed priorities, I feel, but I will try to get her to talk cheerfully near a phone soon).

I think the staying up late is the worst bit. I should make a point of hanging laundry outdoors as soon as I get dressed, really. Outdoor light is so very, very important.

If only I wasn't depressed, I'd summon the motivation to do that, too. Heh.

Still, we'll get there. I know what the problem is. I'm working on it. I'm not letting it harm my children any more than it must. And both pairs of my jeans are in the laundry right now with pee on them.

Comments

[jentifred.livejournal.com]

I think I'm there with you. Definitely with the skewed priorities bit.

[brightsoul.livejournal.com]

i relate oh so much.

i love your honesty and ability to express yourself in such a concise fashion.

i always ramble incoherently :(

[heraldis.livejournal.com]

Just listening to your voice post, Emer doesn't sound neglected to me, just vocalising :)
And now I know for sure how to pronounce her name, hurrah!

[ailbhe]

She was saying "Er, mum? I'm over *here* mum. Hello! Hello! HERE I am!"

[rmc28]

You remind me: I need to nag Keith to put up the outdoor washing lines, so I can hang nappies (and other laundry) outside.

I admire your ability to keep going in the face of depression, weed-upon jeans, the demands of two children (I can just about keep up with my one) and so on.

[ailbhe]

One child takes up all one's available time. Two *can't* take up more. It all works somehow.

And keeping going isn't a choice, with even one child... I'd need to be much more deeply depressed for that.

[merryhouse.livejournal.com]

If only I wasn't depressed, I'd summon the motivation to do that, too. Heh.

I think that just about sums it up.

It was the realisation of *that* state of mind that finally pushed me into admitting that maybe I did have the teensiest hint of pnd (it can't have been much, because at that point it began to go away).

I didn't think Emer sounded neglected either.

[ailbhe]

Well, I got out of bed and got dressed today, so that's a start. I mean, before I was forced out by anyone.

[batswing.livejournal.com]

She didn't sound neglected to me, sweetie! She sounded more like she had that new baby 'Oo, i have lungs! What can I do with these today!' thing going on.

Would a lightbox help with the lack of motivation to get outside thing?

[ailbhe]

She was saying "Er, mum? I'm over *here* mum. Hello! Hello! HERE I am!"

[perceval.livejournal.com]

And you were saying "Well, it's ok, sweetie, I'm over here, just getting some stuff done and I'll be with you in a sec. I hear you, and I WILL come."

Lord knows how many times I said that to Ruth while I finished something before attending to her ( or while rushing to a cafe to feed her).


Rooting for you in Edinburgh,

perceval

[ailbhe]

I turned my back on her so I could bear it.