The only way is up

We all went to the doctor. In a troupe. I leaned on the buggy, Rob carried Linnea and opened doors, and Linnea had a lovely time waggling her toes in the breeze.

I have "a viral infection" and should continue to take it easy until Sunday. Rob has conjunctivitis and a prescription for antibiotics, and Linnea has conjunctivitis but no antibiotics. I am to continue washing both their eyes in saline from time to time, and massage Linnea's eyelids with vaseline.

As to me - convalescing is dull. I can't really even read. This is a very stupid-making virus. I managed to read a single Georgette Heyer over the whole week, and that was difficult and not really enjoyable. I keep reading people online whom I would never usually read, and leaving probably incomprehensible comments. I said recently that something was thought-producing instead of thought-provoking. Today I said manifesto instead of parameter. My brane iz ded.

On the plus side, Rob's eyes are much clearer than they were last night, though Linnea's seem to be getting worse. And I can walk now, as long as I don't have to do anything else afterwards.

Witty Ripostes, or, Things I Wish I'd Said At The Time

You're not still feeding her, are you?
No, I let her forage for her own food now. [Thanks, bopeepsheep]

She needs a hat! Why doesn't she have a hat?
Augh! no hat! I am a failure! Here, you take her! I'm unfit to be a mother! Oh nooooooo!

I'd never tell anyone how to raise their child, but...
You're going to anyway, yeah?

I couldn't bear to just look after my baby all day! How awful! How boring!
Yeah, well, my baby is good company.

Oh, you don't work?
[There is no witty riposte to this. The only reasonable response is homicide, which is irresponsible in someone who is a child's primary caretaker.]

Gosh, it must be nice, doing nothing all day.
It is.[No other response to this has the slightest effect in actually changing people's opinions. This one at least might make them jealous.]

When are you going to stop feeding her?
When are you going to stop eating?

Breastfed babies don't grow so well.
Good.

She'll grow up clingy and needy.
Just like me!

You shouldn't let her play with that.
Didn't your mother ever tell you that you shouldn't talk to strangers.

How to be a bad parent

It's very, very easy to be a bad parent. Especially if you're a woman. Especially if you're a mother. Especially if you're a birth mother. Because that's the kind of bad parent I'm being, and if I can, anyone can! I should know; I've read a lot of how-to books.

Do you breastfeed? Yes? You're creating a dependent child, a rod for your own back, a needy person. No? You're a neglectful mother, failing to give your baby the best start in life - after all, even adoptive mothers can lactate and breastfeed, if they only try hard enough.

Do you use a pacifier / soother / dummy? You're creating a dependent child (see above).

Does your child sleep in a cot? Abandonment! In your bed? Neediness and possibly even cot death.

Do you carry your child around during the day? Maybe even in a sling? Backache, neediness, dependence, and inhibiting development by not letting them learn to play on their own. Do you leave your child to play alone, possibly even in a playpen, while you go to the toilet or cook dinner? Abandonment, neglect, child abuse!

Cloth nappies and disposables both reliably cause more nappy rash than each other.

Your child is wearing too many or too few clothes.

Your child has too many or too few baths, and you're using too much soap and drying out the skin, or not enough and risking infection.

Your child is exposed to too many or too few other children, encouraging aggression either through too little socialisation, or through too much competition. Also, infections - too many or too few, depending on what the top theory is right now.

I refuse to cover vaccinations in this list. I am Not Going There.

Your child has too many or too few regular caregivers, either developing too many strong attachments or losing stability and continuity.

Your child is eating all the wrong things, and at all the wrong times. Trust me on this.

And if you breastfeed, you don't have enough milk unless your child is sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and going at least 4 hours between feeds during the day.

Hmph. Books.