Just a reminder

[ailbhe]

If the children say to my face that they don't want me any more and they want Rob to come home instead, it means they are confident and secure in my attachment to them.

Even if they hit me while they do it.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

*sends you strength*

[serene]

Oh, sweetheart. *hughughug*

Remember what my mother always says: "I love you always; I don't have to like you, and right now, I don't like you very much." ;-)

[ailbhe]

My mother used to take great pleasure in responding spitefully to toddlers who said "I HATE YOU."

She'd say, "Well I love you." She didn't need to add the "So there." It was in her tone.

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

That is all very true.

Here, have a *hug*.

And some tea.

[ailbhe]

Must teach Linnea to make tea. Shame the kettle isn't safe for her yet. Still, she can put it on.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Kate did make me her first ever cup of tea on Mother's Day. It was far too milky & weak, but I appreciated her effort :) Not allowed her to make one myself, I don't want her near boiling water yet.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

Aw, sweetie :( It is true, even if it hurts, it means you've done a great job with them.

N.

[ailbhe]

In general, this sort of thing doesn't bother me. Today I feel Somewhat Rubbish (oh look more painful prodromal labour and still nothing to show for it ho hum) and being shouted at doesn't help.

Still, they get over it pretty quickly and want me to do stuff again.

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

Sorry - they hit you?

[ailbhe]

Biiiig meltdown. Over now.

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

But I'm reasonably sure it's not the first time you've mentioned it...? Glad it's over.

[ailbhe]

Oh, probably not - I have had children for over six years now, so I've probably mentioned being hit several times. Also kicked, bitten, and pissed on. And vomited on. And screamed at, sometimes at 4 in the morning.

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

I've had kids for over 24 years, and I've never been kicked, bitten or hit by either of them. I'm not convinced it's a necessary part of motherhood.

[ailbhe]

Gosh, both mine had hit, scratched AND bitten me before they were a week old!

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

Ok, if we're being pedantic - I've been a mother over 24 years, and I've never been hit, bitten or kicked by a child old enough to direct their actions in a conscious way, say from the age of 2...

[ailbhe]

How nice for you.

[rosefox]

I certainly can't speak for Ailbhe or directly address anything on the topic of parenthood, since I am neither Ailbhe nor a parent, but:

I note that if I had posted about something unpleasant happening to me, I wouldn't really enjoy receiving comments to the extent of "I've never experienced that", and would enjoy them even less if there were possibly some sort of subtext about what happened to me being my fault. I wouldn't enjoy it even if I thought it was my fault. Generally, when I'm posting about something unpleasant happening to me, I am feeling unhappy and injured and vulnerable, and I'm looking for connection and kindness and fellow-feeling. Perhaps I'm missing the ways that "I've never experienced that" and "my children don't behave that way" might be seen as falling into those categories.

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

I'm reasonably sure ailbhe can speak for herself.... but I take the point.

There is no subtext of parental fault in what I wrote - if a reader infers it, that is up to them, not the text.

My original comment was merely a query as to being hit by a child - the second comment came as a response to a statement that seemed to equate motherhood with being on the receiving end of physical violence. If that was meant in terms of a baby kicking, fair enough. If it's meant in terms of an older child being physically aggressive, that is a different issue. It's not an issue I'm passign judgement on, but it is a different issue, which was the point of my second post.

[ailbhe]

You really could have phrased things better, then.

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

I merely responded to your comment. It was, I think, fairly clear you were not talking in your original post about a child in their first weeks of life, after all.

[ailbhe]

Oh, fuck off, I've had a bad enough day without this.

[ifimust.livejournal.com]

Ok

[rosefox]

I don't think you do take my point if this is your response. I'm talking about hoping for comments that are explicitly kind. You're saying that your comments were not explicitly unkind. Very big difference.

EDIT: And I see our host has indeed spoken for herself, so I'll drop this here.

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

Totally.

You are the safe figure they can express their rage and disappointment with. Now to work on them expressing it better! :-)

*hugs*

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Big hugs, and go you for being able to hold these important truths in mind during trying times.

[liminereid.livejournal.com]

I'm sure your interpretation is correct. I used to do something similar to my mother when she collected me from my childminders. Screaming the whole way home about how my childminder was nicer.

[ailbhe]

Either it's correct or I have a good reason to have them taken into care so I can have a whole night's sleep.

Oh, but while I couldn't walk was a bad time to have a huge start-a-new-job type life change in our family!

[liminereid.livejournal.com]

Well....if you are that tired? :)
I hope it all settles down for you guys soon.

[ailbhe]

Heh, this one hit me because I put myself between her and the wall, so she wouldn't hurt her hand! She wasn't really aware that she was hitting much of anything other than herself, I think.

Last night's meeting wasn't clearly understood by either of them, but I think they'll have a better grasp of what we mean by it next time. It hasn't happened before.

They're still acclimatising to having 15 hours a week less of him, while I get less and less mobile (and, today, have to spend a lot of time sitting and rocking through contractions). It's a lot all at once.

I have definitely sent myself to my room or put a child in their room so we can defuse. But it's not appropriate for a desperately miserable vent in the way it is for a can't-get-own-way tantrum.

Luckily we don't have a cellar.

[ailbhe]

Oh, they got a step by step, they just didn't really believe it was going to happen and when it lasted more than 10 minutes they thought it was much too long. We saved up a DVD for them to watch while he was in there, etc.

But they'd still have preferred their Daddy.

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

*hugs* to you. You are good.
*More tea*
*moar tea*

[batswing.livejournal.com]

You're quite right. You're doing a wonderful job.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Not so often at the moment, but mine used to regularly scream that they wanted me to go to work & for daddy to be at home with them. They had no concept of the reality of that though, which would have been late for everything, nothing organised & the house being a big mess. The plus side is that he very rarely disciplines them, so there's no Time Out & it's perfectly fine to eat chocolate 2 minutes before a meal.

They're not so keen now that I am working, as they miss me collecting them from school. I miss that too :(

[flybabydizzy.livejournal.com]

It's horrible when children scream, kick and bite a parent.
It would be worse if they were too scared to let rip at us, and have to keep things all bottled up, especially for very young ones.
You have more patience, humour and understanding than any other mother I've met - and I've been a mum for over a quarter of a century.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

*nod* It *is* worse.

And now that mine aren't in that worse, they're still working out how to behave. (Unsurprisingly, the younger one is doing better with that.)

[cherade9.livejournal.com]

Ach, A and I had a discussion this weekend that was very painful for both of us. It disolved into tears on both our parts, but things are better for being said. When he was wee he hit and kicked and bit me occasionally. He was pre-verbal for a very long time, no babble till he was past 2.5 y/o.

We did (and do) 1,2,3, then Time Out and then Consequences. These range from no PC for the rest of the day to full out Nuclear Option.. no PC, Wii, DS, Lego, TV or DVD's. I've been consistent with it so he knows I have and will do it again.

You do a great job with the girls. They're bright, funny, engaged and interact as a family. You're right, they feel secure with you. A is the same with me, it's why he knows he can get upset if he needs to.

Hope the labour pains become more productive :)

[trinker.livejournal.com]

*hug offered*. You're a good mama. Wish I was there to do the childchasing for you, or to at least make cups of tea and do whatever else needed doing.

[mrs-redboots.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*. It is absolutely true, but still doesn't stop it hurting! Been there, done that.. and expecting to go through it all again in a couple of years with the grandchild! At least I'll be able to give that one back....

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

*hugs* At some point, the pendulum will swing the other way, and they'll want you-you-you and not Rob. And I think you know that.

As you say, they've had a lot of changes to adjust to lately.

[quentinwrites.livejournal.com]

Ouch, that's got to hurt. You're right to keep reminding yourself of that. *hugs*

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

you're doing a great job. sorry it's so hard at times :( *hug*

[piqueen.livejournal.com]

I'm ashamed to say I was totally vile to my own mother at various points when I was old enough to really know better. She told me once she appreciated that we were able to do that whereas she had been raised by a succession of housekeepers that she had to be polite to from a young age. She also told me that she only knew I would turn out okay because other people reported I was polite in their homes.

Hope it gets better and you all get used to the new routine as soon as possible.

[ailbhe]

Heh, yes. They don't hit each other, or, as far as I know, other children - and are in fact appalled when other children hit them, as well as hurt - so really, I'm *privileged*.

And they are awesome in terms of helping me when I'm as disabled as I am now.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Ouch :S

Hope things are going better now.