What pushed me over the edge today

[ailbhe]

At the swimming pool, an acquaintance looked at me in my swimsuit and commented to the woman she was with, "Look at that - don't you just hate her? I'd love to be that thin."

I failed the politeness test. I said "It's easy, just get so sick you can't cope with your daily life. A serious virus. Lots of people find cancer works. YOU try being ill, I'll try being overweight." Then I went into the cubicle with my children and cried.

My eldest daughter asked if I get smaller will I still be able to lift them? Will I shrink to the size of a baby?

My youngest daughter said "No Mama cy, Mama, aw-ite Mama."

I apologised to them for crying. And I stayed locked in the cubicle until the women went away.

Comments

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you spoke up, but i'm sorry it made you cry. i think i'd be more comfortable to hear someone saying "i'd kill to be that thin" than "don't you hate this actual human person for it" probably becasue no one would really kill for it, but they might direct some misplaced hate. i'm so sorry you had to hear that.

i only ever tease one friend, and she's always in the gym, and jokes about being thin herself, she is happy and secure and a mother of four. maybe I should think about that though.

but jesus, what if you did have cancer or some other illness (well, actually, you do, don't you)? not that cancer made *me* thin, chemo did quite the opposite, but hey - you know, you really can't have it all...

[ailbhe]

Right now, I don't have a specific illness which makes me thin, but in general, I have trouble not getting so thin that I get ill. This is not, apparently, an illness.

I have in the past been so ill I lost 20% of my mass in two weeks.

I was congratulated.

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

*coughs* people are funny about weight. my mum saw me eating chocolate after my surgery, where some of my abdominal fat was used to replace my breast tissue, and said I should be careful or I'd put back on all the weight i'd lost in hospital.

i hope no one says that to me again, becasue i still don't have a good answer for it.

i think I laughed. which was better than she deserved that day!

[trizia.livejournal.com]

My Mum is like that. She's never been able to get above about 8 stone, and she was 5'6" before age started shrinking her. Now she's likely to get to 7 stone, and has on occasion been classed as medically malnourished. But nothing has ever been found to explain it, she just can't put, or keep, weight on.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

She failed the politeness test, not you.

I do like how Linnea logically thought about what getting smaller would mean from a practical standpoint, although Emer was probably more comforting.

*hugs*

[supermouse.livejournal.com]

You were remarkably polite. And factual. Go you. I'm proud to have you as a friend.

[nicnacpaddywac.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie, i'm sorry someone was horrible enough to upset you in this way. (And i say this as an obese woman who is utterly horrified that people seem to think that comments like this are acceptable, whereas no-one would think the reverse was IYSWIM. My mother who is now rather thin is constantly berated for losing weight, and that's thought to be acceptable too, yet she doesn't turn around and tell someone they're looking too fat).

Anyway, like others have said, those women were the rude ones, you said nothing impolite at all IMO.

[ailbhe]

Oh, I know fat women get "I wish I had boobs like that" and so on, as well as "fatty" and other insulting insults, IYSWIM. It's not really true that anti-thin is ok while anti-fat isn't, except in certain social circles.

Like, it appears, mine.

[nicnacpaddywac.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I really am tired! I seem to have written a longwinded reply that made very little sense. What i was trying to say is that i really don't know why some people think it is acceptable to comment on other peoples bodies at all, regardless of shape or size.

(I hope i've not upset you further by my bumbling post).

[ailbhe]

No, you didn't. I just wanted to make *clear* that I don't think anti-thin prejudice is "the last acceptable prejudice" any more than, well, anything else is.

I think it's worth being explicit, sometimes.

[nicnacpaddywac.livejournal.com]

That's okay, i was just a bit worried as i know i'm not great with words, and i didn't want you thinking that i thought prejudice like this was acceptable in any way.

[dreamalynn.livejournal.com]

I'm dreadfully sorry. No one has the right to speak to another person that way, particularly not a stranger. I hope she understands the hurt her words caused.

I wish that there was some comfort I could offer you. I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts for your continued wellbeing, of course.

[velcro-kitten.livejournal.com]

and esp not in front of your daughters!

Sorry you had to meet Ms Insensitive today.

[kiya]

Getting "I hate you" from a friend for this reason is ... a different kind of awful, I think.

I've only gotten it from a friend, though, not a stranger, so I can't compare meaningfully....

[dreamalynn.livejournal.com]

It's inappropriate but at least a friend might be more receptive to hearing you when you look at them and say "WHAT?!?!?!?!"

[barakta]

Gah. I used to have a lot of problems maintaining weight, the amount of food I needed to eat on a poor-student budget was seriously not funny. I used to get accused ('in th nicest concerned possible way') of being anorexic and anaemic - I suspect I was neither. Just inherited my dad's metabolism.

[submarine-bells.livejournal.com]

Where's the bit where they apologised to you for being rude? *disgusted snort* Some people, gah. Good for you for responding to them in the way that you did. Perhaps next time they'll think before opening their fool mouths and letting rubbish like that dribble out.

[moonborn.livejournal.com]

Ugh!
Due to my gallbladder being very infected I have recently been eating an extremely reduced diet and subsequently lost A LOT of weight in a very short period of time. I want to slap people who say "Ohhh, I wish I could!" or "Oh, that's not so bad!" as I was also exhausted and having attacks so painful I was throwing up and could not even eat dry bread without worrying it'd set me off.

I'm so sorry that woman said that to you.
(Hello. I read some of your public posts and wanted to read more.)

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

*smites them*

Your daughters are wonderful people, and I'm glad you had them with you, even though I'm sorry they had to hear such twittery.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

people are stupid :( *hug*

[sshi.livejournal.com]

Aiaiai, that is just so incredibly insensitive. People's attitudes to weight are just so fucked up. It drive me nuts, particularly because my mother has had two episodes of dramatic weight loss, one of which was due to cancer treatment and the other, poorly managed diabetes.

I think yours was the best retort, though, and I'm glad you said it to them. (I probably would have just burst into tears on the spot, rather than having a coherent response.)

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm not going to make any friends here by saying that I get shit like that all the time. Because of course I'm thin because I wanted to be thin, and therefore am a malicious agent of the patriarchy, a fifth column to the sisterhood, utterly undeserving of sympathy and beyond the demands of common courtesy.

So I'll just say that I envy your ability to cry. I never cry, not in front of anyone at all however close to me they are. And I'm too proud to show that my feelings are hurt, even, of which the usual result is that most people who now me think I haven't got any feelings.

So well done for making your indignation heard. That's a win, at least.

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

How rude! Why do people think saying something like that is not only acceptable but humorous?

I think your answer was spot on.

[rmc28]

Well done for saying that. I freely admit that I've had thin == good drummed into me for most of my life and it's only in the past few years listening to you that I've managed to break out of that and (hopefully) not been so insensitive to others.

I don't think you were rude, you were factual and not insulting.

I wish I could phrase better responses to people who comment on my body shape and "what you need to do is ..."

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

The all time winner of the Why Do You Think You Have a Right to Comment competition was the middle aged woman who walked p to me, put her hand on my arm and very kindly said "you know, if you wash your face with soap twice a day those spots will soon clear up".

And all this time I thought adult acne is a bacterial skin disease. Thank you, complete stranger, for pointing out in public that I am in fact just a dirty cow.

People are assholes, whatever your shape, size, length, breadth or shoe size. OK, maybe only *some* people are assholes, but it's those we remember, isn't it?

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

Oh and more to the point of your actual comment (and Ailbhe's courage), I have no idea how to tackle these peole either. I just stare at them in amazement, then go away and torture myself in private.

[trizia.livejournal.com]

What a cow. I'd have pushed her into the pool. Well done you for keeping your temper, but so sorry that she made you cry.

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

you didn't fail the politeness test. she did.

sheesh. sorry she made you cry. people can be such arseholes.

rock on, linnea, for being practical. *little grin*.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Jesus fuck.

I hope she doesn't say anything that IDIOTIC for a long time.

Argh. Fools.

Hugs.

[cabbagemedley.livejournal.com]

Please continue to fail the politeness test. You are brilliant for saying something. (I say this as someone who used to live on less than 500 cals a day and still never got below a size 16. People do love to think they know all about you, don't they?)

[kelvix.livejournal.com]

Well done in having a retort to hand - and well delivered.

Being attacked by another, without provocation, is hard. Especially if you are accompanied by your children - more vulnerable than usual.