From a comment I posted elsewhere

[ailbhe]

My anecdata indicates that most mothers feel responsible for the well-being of their baby all the time, however far apart they are, and some fathers feel that, eg, they are not responsible for forgetting to feed the child [in their care] because they forgot.

Also, most mothers are too fucking tired to sort it out themselves. There's the whole, well, world and all the people in it, out there, and most of them expect the mothers to do it all - whether or not they also work a 40 or 60 hour week in a paid job - and pay for all the childcare too.

And then there's newspaper headlines: TRAGIC CHILD HORROR ALL MOTHER'S FAULT is one that they needn't even put back in the box between uses, it's so often needed.

And everyone blames the mothers who don't fight this, this, this weight of expectation and pretty much lets their well-meaning but also not fighting it partners off scot free. And if the mother rants about the partner she's a whiny nagging cow.

That's all for now. We now return me to my regularly scheduled blood pressure. Emer is GORGEOUS today and has been enjoying the swing. I have another post about unexpected visitors to post later.

Comments

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

I don't blame mothers - especially working mothers - who don't have any energy left over to fix the world and all its ills.

But I feel very disempowered, not to mention hurt and resentful, when my advice on how to tackle a few marginal issues is met with hostilty and "what do you know, you don't even have children". (Present company exluded of course)

It's not just me - any woman dispensing parenting advice is scrutinised on that score. Pretty much every single review of a new parenting reality show will mention "Nanny So and So, mother of 3" or "Nanny Such and Such, who has no children herself".

It's a Catch22: the mothers have no time, and the ones who have the time are not mothers.

[ailbhe]

Part of it is that a lot of the advice from non-mothers feels like "when you are feeling exhausted and vulnerable, cut your heart in two and place the sections in separate boxes."

And part of the reason for that is that the feeling of total responsibility is very difficult to imagine. Almost no families I know personally, especially in the UK, actually divide responsibility between the parents equally - even those who divide the tasks equally.

And there's the fact that well-informed opinions do change after people have a child. On stuff like sleep-training and diet and smacking and, oh, everything.

I do appreciate the childless/childfree allies, but it can be exhausting giving them/you the necessary data to allow them to *be* allies.

Oh, and mothers who give advice are scrutinised too - What would you know, you only work part-time / you don't have a job / you get lunchbreaks because you do have a job / your partner helps/doesn't help / your other children are older/younger, etc etc etc.

I partially remember a very funny story about a woman who met another mother with twins in a library. W1: Oh lovely, twins! W2: Yes, they will start school soon, I can't wait. W1: Oh that's nice, we home-educate ourselves, will yours be going to Random Local School? W2: OH well I couldn't POSSIBLY home-educate because I have TWINS and it's SO MUCH WORK. You can't POSSIBLY understand, etc etc etc [getting increasingly upset]. W1: Actually I have twins too. W2: Oh really? How old are they? W1: One set are 4 years old and the other set are 2.

The point is that almost EVERYTHING feels like an attack and removing authority from people becomes a sort of basic self-defense. And it's daft. And it's TOXIC.

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

Um, what made you think I meant parenting advice? You had them, and frankly I'm quite happy for it to be your problem how you raise them... *g*

No, what I was talking about was political advise, but that tends to be just as unwelcome - probably because the women I talk to then think I'm attacking them for not being politically active enough, as per your example above...

For the record: I'm only trying to help! =)

[ailbhe]

"It's not just me - any woman dispensing parenting advice is scrutinised on that score."

That's what made me think it.

Of course, I'm now not sure how to distinguish between political and parenting advice when it's issued to mothers. Because women-and-children are subject to very similar social rules, the whole thing is hopelessly confusing.

And I do find it all interesting but I have officially reached my Too Exhausted Limit today. FWIW I did notice what you said about discrimination against mothers seeking or in paid employment costing the economy a fortune, but again, too tired to go further with it.