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ailbheAccumulate all the points you can. Be liberal when awarding your own points, but deny other mothers all the points you can get. I have no idea whether fathers also do this points thing - circumstantial evidence strongly suggests not.
Baby rolls over:
At birth: 3 points
Younger than anyone else in your mommy-group: 5 points
At exactly the time your parenting book claims it ought to: 3 points
Later than those: -3 points
Late enough that the paediatrician gets interested: +5 points
Late enough that it's a sign of a really rare condition: +5 points
Baby crawls:
At birth: 3 points
Younger than anyone else in your mommy-group: 5 points
At exactly the time your parenting book claims it ought to: 3 points
Later than those: -3 points
Late enough that the paediatrician gets interested: +5 points
Late enough that it's a sign of a really rare condition: +5 points
Not at all: +10 points
Not at all because s/he's dyslexic: +15 points
In an "unusual" way (hands and feet, bum-shuffling, upside-down, only when wearing full diving gear including oxygen): 4 points
Baby cruises:
It's not cruising, it's walking, it's just that s/he's holding on: 15 points
Only when holding an adults hands so that the adult develops serious back problems: 5 points
Really early: 1 point
Really late: 1 point
Exactly when the book says it should: 1 point
Baby walks:
Before 6 months: 25 points (and a tranquiliser gun)
Before 9 months: 15 points
Before 12 months: 10 points
Bang on 12 months: 5 points
Between 12-24 months: 1 point
Baby talks:
Parents can understand baby before one year: 1 point
Grandparents can understand baby before one year: 5 points
Baby's university lecturers can understand baby before one year: 10 points
Not until really really late but has first complex compound sentence instead of first word: 5 points
Baby grows teeth:
20 points, as teeth appear, unless born with teeth, in which case, add an extra 4 points
Baby potty-trains:
Before 6 months: 200 points for maternal dedication and self-delusion. It's mother-training, not baby-training at that stage.
Before 9 months: 100 points
Before 12 points: 50 months
Before its peers: 5 points
Never: -30 points
Baby learns to swim:
From birth, but what's the point, since babies are so top-heavy their heads won't stay above water? 0 points.
Baby rolls over:
At birth: 3 points
Younger than anyone else in your mommy-group: 5 points
At exactly the time your parenting book claims it ought to: 3 points
Later than those: -3 points
Late enough that the paediatrician gets interested: +5 points
Late enough that it's a sign of a really rare condition: +5 points
Baby crawls:
At birth: 3 points
Younger than anyone else in your mommy-group: 5 points
At exactly the time your parenting book claims it ought to: 3 points
Later than those: -3 points
Late enough that the paediatrician gets interested: +5 points
Late enough that it's a sign of a really rare condition: +5 points
Not at all: +10 points
Not at all because s/he's dyslexic: +15 points
In an "unusual" way (hands and feet, bum-shuffling, upside-down, only when wearing full diving gear including oxygen): 4 points
Baby cruises:
It's not cruising, it's walking, it's just that s/he's holding on: 15 points
Only when holding an adults hands so that the adult develops serious back problems: 5 points
Really early: 1 point
Really late: 1 point
Exactly when the book says it should: 1 point
Baby walks:
Before 6 months: 25 points (and a tranquiliser gun)
Before 9 months: 15 points
Before 12 months: 10 points
Bang on 12 months: 5 points
Between 12-24 months: 1 point
Baby talks:
Parents can understand baby before one year: 1 point
Grandparents can understand baby before one year: 5 points
Baby's university lecturers can understand baby before one year: 10 points
Not until really really late but has first complex compound sentence instead of first word: 5 points
Baby grows teeth:
20 points, as teeth appear, unless born with teeth, in which case, add an extra 4 points
Baby potty-trains:
Before 6 months: 200 points for maternal dedication and self-delusion. It's mother-training, not baby-training at that stage.
Before 9 months: 100 points
Before 12 points: 50 months
Before its peers: 5 points
Never: -30 points
Baby learns to swim:
From birth, but what's the point, since babies are so top-heavy their heads won't stay above water? 0 points.