Competitive parenting, part three: The first year. And a bit.

[ailbhe]

Accumulate all the points you can. Be liberal when awarding your own points, but deny other mothers all the points you can get. I have no idea whether fathers also do this points thing - circumstantial evidence strongly suggests not.

Baby rolls over:
At birth: 3 points
Younger than anyone else in your mommy-group: 5 points
At exactly the time your parenting book claims it ought to: 3 points
Later than those: -3 points
Late enough that the paediatrician gets interested: +5 points
Late enough that it's a sign of a really rare condition: +5 points

Baby crawls:
At birth: 3 points
Younger than anyone else in your mommy-group: 5 points
At exactly the time your parenting book claims it ought to: 3 points
Later than those: -3 points
Late enough that the paediatrician gets interested: +5 points
Late enough that it's a sign of a really rare condition: +5 points
Not at all: +10 points
Not at all because s/he's dyslexic: +15 points
In an "unusual" way (hands and feet, bum-shuffling, upside-down, only when wearing full diving gear including oxygen): 4 points

Baby cruises:
It's not cruising, it's walking, it's just that s/he's holding on: 15 points
Only when holding an adults hands so that the adult develops serious back problems: 5 points
Really early: 1 point
Really late: 1 point
Exactly when the book says it should: 1 point

Baby walks:
Before 6 months: 25 points (and a tranquiliser gun)
Before 9 months: 15 points
Before 12 months: 10 points
Bang on 12 months: 5 points
Between 12-24 months: 1 point

Baby talks:
Parents can understand baby before one year: 1 point
Grandparents can understand baby before one year: 5 points
Baby's university lecturers can understand baby before one year: 10 points
Not until really really late but has first complex compound sentence instead of first word: 5 points

Baby grows teeth:
20 points, as teeth appear, unless born with teeth, in which case, add an extra 4 points

Baby potty-trains:
Before 6 months: 200 points for maternal dedication and self-delusion. It's mother-training, not baby-training at that stage.
Before 9 months: 100 points
Before 12 points: 50 months
Before its peers: 5 points
Never: -30 points

Baby learns to swim:
From birth, but what's the point, since babies are so top-heavy their heads won't stay above water? 0 points.

Comments

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

You forgot sleeping through the night *g*

Holly crawled in a silly way, sort of up on 1 leg, so walked early to compensate I think. Muchos pointos there *g*

[pauamma]

What does dyslexia have to do with not crawling?</confused>

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

My suspicion is "nothing whatsoever, but parents may claim it does, therefore it gets points."

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

How many points do I get for a child that didn't walk until it was 26 months? ;-)

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Were doctors involved/concerned? Double points for that, at least.

[mrs-warwick.livejournal.com]

Eleri seems to have 4 teeth coming through at the same time. How many points do we get for that?

No wonder she has been so grumpy the last few days, and drooling enough to fill a swimming pool. Poor love.

[ailbhe]

Baby swims: in own drool, 19 points.

[mrs-warwick.livejournal.com]

LOL!

[pauamma]

Not until really really late but has first complex compound sentence instead of first word: 5 points

I think those points should go to the kid, not the parents. *awards himself 5 points* :-)

[geekette8.livejournal.com]

ROFL!

Also:

Baby weans:
- At birth, my doctors told me I couldn't breastfeed: -5 points
- At 3 months when they started solids: 3 points
- At 6 months when they got OMG TEETH: 3 points
- At 1 year: 5 points
- At 2 years: 10 points
- Between 3-5 years: 15 points
- After 5 years: 200 points

[ailbhe]

My competitive parenting tag reveals http://ailbhe.livejournal.com/336852.html

[geekette8.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. You win!

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

When leaving town to start university: 1000 points.