Weight loss: It's not a bonding kind of conversation

[ailbhe]

On Thursday someone at the library remarked on her packed lunch - "Look at how healthy I'm being!" she said. I looked; potato, salad, stuff in a jar. Looked like lunch. I made a noncommittal kind of noise, because I was busy doing something, and she continued, "I have to be careful because I gained so much weight over Christmas!"

I believe I grunted. But she went on... I don't remember what she said, but eventually she asked for a sympathetic response (along the lines of "because we all need to lose weight sometimes, don't we?) and I said "I don't do weight-loss conversation."

She went on, so I explained myself further, in as socially acceptable a way as I know how - I said something along the lines of: All my weight problems are from being underweight, not overweight, and usually if someone says "Oh wow Ailbhe, you've lost weight!" I say "Yes, I'm REALLY ILL."

What I didn't do, and want to be commended for, is give her a lecture on the health and political stuff around the whole "women all want and need to lose weight through their food choices based on the moral value of foods" and all that. You all know what I'm talking about. Sometimes it's carbs bad, protein good - sometimes it's refined bad, raw good - sometimes it's real food bad, peculiar milkshake science goop good. It's never chocolate good; chocolate and cake are universally evil foodstuffs, and will go straight to hell. And it's never "most women look fine just as they are and should stop worrying about whether they're fat or not because worrying won't change a damn thing."

Jeez.

Comments

[rmc28]

Well done on your restraint!

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I hear a lot of that sort of thing at the toddler group & "I'm not having a biscuit, I'm so good" Sod it, if I want a biscuit, I have one & that doesn't make me bad (though I can't eat them atm as they have wheat in) I also hate that it's assumed that I am dieting as I carry fruit with me. I've always done this as my mother does it. It's even better now as it is a snack I can eat.

*ggrrgghh***

Don't even start me on the parenting I saw at the playzone yesterday, I must post about it.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

It's so strange that food is the only thing for which modern people still apply the term "sinful." If you said, seriously, that anything else an adult did was wicked or sinful or naughty, people would give you nervous glances and edge away. But people talk that way about cookies all the time.

[ailbhe]

Food isn't evil though. Apparently. But yes, a lot of it is about adults talking a though they're children - "I'll be good and not have cake" is the sort of thing we might say to or about *children*, really. I somehow hadn't thought that in so many words before.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I also hate the "Is he / she good?" question to parents of new babies *ggrgghhh*** How can a baby be good or bad?!

I saw it to a mother of a 2 week old baby just before Christmas, plus the ridiculous "Is she sleeping through yet?"

[rmc28]

I hate hate hate it and always have.

I have started asking people not to tell Charles "what a good boy" for performing for them (specific examples at Christmas, putting things back on a shelf after pulling them off, dancing) and asked them to say things like "well done" or "what fun" or "good job, thank you".

I will be stamping on "naughty boy" too. "Hitting mummy was naughty" not "you are naughty".

Criticise and praise the action, not the person.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I've also started praising my children for the effort they put into things, rather than saying how clever they are. I read an article in the Times a few months ago saying that children will put more effort into things if they are praised for trying as they can hardly make themselves more clever, so why try harder if you're told you're a "clever boy / girl" Makes sense to me as well.

My mum made me try less by saying things like "That doesn't count as you're naturally clever" when I did well at school.

[allyphoe.livejournal.com]

Good for you for keeping your mouth shut. I'm terrible at that.

As someone who does need to lose weight, I can categorically say - chocolate is good. And I would never invite a stranger to comment on my lunch, regardless of what I had for lunch. That's just freakish.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

I will dissent and say you should have said what you were thinking. Me, I often say to someone who either bemoans or praises the calories/fat/decadence in their food, "Calories are the *point* of food."

[ailbhe]

I really, really like that line. It's short, it's to the point, and it's easy to say in anger. I will make a point of remembering it.

[rmc28]

I second Ailbhe's thanks and will also memorise it - snappier than a lecture.

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

That is a marvellous response and one I will be stealing too! Thank you. :-)

[triskellian]

One of my colleagues once declared that she was having calorie-free soup for lunch. She looked baffled when I asked her if she meant water.

It's like this every day in my office. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only woman in the world who isn't constantly assessing the moral hygiene of her food :-(

[ai731.livejournal.com]

I'm constantly assessing the moral hygiene of my food - except that I'm assessing if it is in season, and whether it was grown organically, and how many miles it traveled by air or by lorry to get to me, and so on - rather than how many calories it has.

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

Well done on not lecturing the person at the library.

Misery loves company

[kelvix.livejournal.com]

I think that the point of these conversations is to show to other women (who are bigger) how much better than they are one is - as if we can be better than they currently are (by taking the biscuit) by showing self-restraint - that gluttony is obviously implied by the taking of a biscuit, or over-indulgence at Christmas. I do tend to encounter that sort of bullying tactic, frequently from people who seem to be thin, and be "struggling" to be thinner.

Alternatively, it could (more charitably) be a sort of penance that gluttony can be somehow forgiven by corresponding starvation. A sort of confession that one has sinned, followed by a public declaration of how much one is doing to correct that sin. A collective admission of guilt makes the sin seem much more acceptable.

Either way, it is all about game play, so far as I am concerned. Sometimes it makes sense to play the game, and sometimes it all seems like far too much trouble. IMHO.

[dreamalynn.livejournal.com]

There was a study that came out last year that said it was universally true throughout the western world that women "bond" over weight-loss talk, and that refusing to participate in it, especially if you look like you "ought to" want to lose weight, can have a significant impact on a woman's social currency within her circles of interaction.

When I have an opportunity, I'll find that study for you. It's really rather sad.

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

Here's one of the researchers: http://www.psych.appstate.edu/faculty/martz.html

[firecat]

I am really glad that you said "I don't do weight-loss conversation," because sometimes that's all that's needed to get someone to wonder "Why DO I talk about weight loss all the time, anyway?" The lecture sometimes puts people off, so I understand your choice not to add it.

[kiya]

I don't generally link here in public entries, but what the hell:

A bit of ranting about diet conversation and the way it scrambles my brains.