Saying Sorry

[ailbhe]

Before I had children - and until Linnea was walking, even - I thought that insisting that children say "sorry" was pointless, at best, and completely devaluing the concept of apology, at worst. I've changed my mind.

I really, really value an apology. Which is not to be confused with the attempts they make to get out of jail free by doing something dreadful and chirping "I sorry now!" with a beaming smile.

So now I make my kids say sorry.

It started with me apologising to them, and on their behalf, a lot. Then I started instructing them to say sorry (I don't ask them unless I'm willing to cheerfully accept a "No," it's bad for my blood pressure to shoot myself in the foot that way). At some point I started adding a sorry-for-what? which means they don't just say Sorry, they say "Sorry, Name, for doing the whatever it was."

If they're not ready to say sorry, they have to go somewhere else until they are ready. Sometimes, they are not ready to accept each others' apologies. That's ok. Saying sorry doesn't make everything better, and it's not supposed to. It's just a first step.

I think arming them with the ability to make a prompt and sincere apology (which is often a difficult thing to do) is a good thing for the rest of their lives. And it makes it much, much easier to live with them. We all apologise a lot. I like that.

Comments

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

I make my kids say sorry because if they are able to focus on not-arguing about what they did enough to apologize for it, I know they've calmed down and are thinking. Grace, especially, takes saying sorry very seriously; she does it when instructed to and sometimes of her own initiative, but always with wide-eyed attentiveness when she does. So if I've got her to the stage of apologizing, I know there will be no further argument, tantrum, etc.; she's actually aware that she shouldn't have done that. Besides, both kids like it when the other apologizes to them, and so it probably saves there from being a lot of fights between them that might otherwise have started.

cflute and I apologize a lot too... to both the children and each other. So they're used to seeing the concept in action that when you've misbehaved to somebody, you say sorry and do so seriously and with meaning.

[ailbhe]

That's a side-benefit to apologising I hadn't considered, but you're right, once the sincere apology is voiced, there's no more uncontrolled emotions for a bit.