So how's it going, being a Mummy?

[ailbhe]

Someone asked me that last night, as we were waiting to go in to a concert, and I answered something vague and tired about it being fine.

What I really wanted to answer, but didn't have the words for at the time (see also: vague and tired) was "The job itself is great, rewarding beyond my wildest dreams. The drop in social status was a shock."

Because it was. I had a higher perceived social status (as far as most strangers who ask randomly "so what do you do?" go anyway) when I was unemployed and looking for paying work. That was when I did just about nothing useful at all, except a little housework and a lot of searching recruitment websites. Now that I work all day every day, pretty much, and part of the night, I answer "I'm a mum," and people just... glaze over.

My own sister feels bad when I take my turn paying for cups of coffee when we're out, because she hates to see me spending Rob's money like that. She honestly believes that the entire household income belongs to Rob. She's also worried about the vulnerable position this puts me in, since I don't have any money of my own and Rob could abandon us or something.

My friends who are working mothers don't understand why I'm so tired at the end of the day. Well, the one who babysat Linnea yesterday evening does - after nine hours of pretty much continuous activity, we left Linnea with a neighbour and she had another three hours of activity in her before falling asleep. But generally, most toddlers we know personally are significantly less active than Linnea, sleep a good deal more (up to 14 hours a day!) and spend the most active part of their day, three days a week or so, in a nursery. Their parents say that they are much more tired on nursery days than on days at home.

Local friends without babies don't understand why we don't just get a babysitter for Linnea and do things in the evenings. Well, one, we're too tired. Two, babysitters willing to deal with Calvin-esque levels of activity in a pre-verbal not-toilet-trained child are in short supply; the usual rates quoted are for babies that will be asleep for most of the sitting time. They expect to be able to study, or whatever - which is fair enough, but makes Linnea an unsuitable candidate.

I do a very important and worthwhile job. But it's generally perceived as less important and worthwhile than the job I did maintaining a database of DNS information, or arranging for power supplies to 3G phone masts, or selling fifth-rate books to tiny bookshops at a discount. I think that's crazy.

I also write. Some people think that that is my "real" or "important" contribution. I disagree. The work I do with Linnea is far harder, and far more interesting, and far, far more useful. Everything else I do comes second. Everything else I do happens while I'm raising Linnea. I'm wrapping Christmas presents while I'm singing a song. I write journal entries while she "reads" books I've chosen from the library. I do all my household tasks with her "help" (which takes a long time, I promise you, though it does make them more interesting).

I have just been interrupted by the doorbell and entirely lost my train of thought, so I'll leave it at this for now.

Comments

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I do wonder if there's a southern / northern difference to being a stay at home parent. I have never, ever been asked what job I do or been looked down on while we live in Yorkshire. It was totally different down in St Albans & I was the only stay at home mother in the NCT group who didn't live in a large house (we had a 1 bedroom flat as that was all we could afford on 1 salary)

I went to 2 coffee "mornings" a week. A local one for my area that was in the morning & the main one for the whole of St Albans that was held late afternoon so the working mums could collect their older children from school & go to it.

I do think though that more of the under 5's at the reading session we go to at the library are either with childminders or grandparents than those with parents. I was a bit surprised to find out that Kate's main friend, Emily, who goes to the reading session with her childminder & has 2 older sisters & a younger sister, goes to a childminder 5 mornings a week & her mum doesn't work. She's not on maternity leave either, she's too "busy" to look after 2 children apparently.

Makes you think, eh?

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I have a sense of... frubbliness. Not really the right word, but I mean a sudden understanding of your position, and love for you for doing it. You know that I am childfree enough to not "get" the urge for parenthood at all, but the way you describe caring for Linnea is how my mum describes caring for me, and I can *relate* to that, even though I was the child in that situation. Looking after me was my mum's full-time job, and anything else she did was on top of that.

I was talking to rowan_leigh the other day about you & mothering & the lack of status & feminism & how even feminists can feel that your job is a "waste". It's impossible to improve the status of motherhood as a job when even most mothers don't adequately see it that way. We were talking about the competitive side of motherhood that you've written about before - are you doing it properly? and came to the conclusion that any mother who is angsting about whether she is a good enough mother & doing the right thing for her child probably is, and the ones who need criticising are the ones who don't care enough about whether they're doing the right thing. But it doesn't work that way, because the ones who don't care don't bother to read anything, and are busy feeding their infant children Coca-Cola to rot their barely-formed teeth, while the ones who do care read anything and everything, and worry about the amount of raw cane sugar in their home-baked banana muffins :/

It all seems very complicated, but you are correct. Bringing up even one child to be a well-balanced member of society is the most important job a person can do. A lot of what's wrong with society is caused by all the people who aren't properly loved and aren't given enough guidance about behaviour. I keep hoping that with all the love you have and your obvious joy in the job, that when you've finished having biological children you consider adoption or fostering. I think you could make so much difference to young people in distress.

Anyway. Just keep fighting. One person's education at a time.

[ailbhe]

I do want to foster or adopt, older children not babies, later - but it might have to be much later, and I really hate the idea of moving house, which we'd have to do. This one isn't big enough to bring in a child with a strong need for their own space, which an adopted child would deserve to have even if they didn't need it, if you see what I mean. My birth children will be expected to share space as long as that's bearable.

Another thing that could hurt the adoption thing is my yen to homeschool - or home educate, I should say. Personally, I think that amount of personal freedom and nurturing would be nothing but good for most kids - but I don't expect The Authorities to see it similarly.

I have reduced the sugar content of the banana muffins, for those of you playing along at home, and produced another competitive parenting bingo card. I must post it one day.

[nicolap.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, that sums it up. I choose to stay at home and care for my children because I believe that is the best choice for the whole of my family. Not because I am too stupid or lazy or unqualified to go and get 'a real job' (oh, can't you hear my scathing tone of voice in that phrase?)

However, it is a choice which means we have less money than many other families we know. We live in a smaller house, have one ordinary kind of car, camp for holidays, rarely go out for meals, and are not to be found shopping for clothes and DVDs every weekend.

But, you know, we can afford to eat and heat the house and even buy the odd book (or ten, because charity shops are marvellous, aren't they?) We sport funky knitwear, made by me, to go with other people's castoffs, and we make exceedingly good cakes. We don't have many rules in our house, or many conventional toys and entertainments either, but we get by with a bit of imagination and a heap of love and respect for each other.

Not working also gives me the time to live by a few principles that matter to me. I can walk the children to school and playgroup; I can shop locally from independent shops and producers; I can use public transport, because my time is my own. I can also use some of that time for voluntary work, to help out other families, or help at school, using some of the skills I've acquired in seven years of parenting. I could rant on like this for hours, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe that I (we) am (are) doing a pretty good job.

But the feeling that society judges my contribution as worthless doesn't go away.

Shall we start a revolution?

[ailbhe]

You have the time for a revolution?! Clearly you don't read enough journals!

[nicolap.livejournal.com]

Come on now, we are women, we can multitask! I can revolt with one hand whilst wiping bottoms/ noses with the other, and simultaneously singing all the verses of "Row, row, row the boat". And of course whipping up a batch of fresh scones with my elbow, because I need to prove that I'm The Best Mummy in the Whole World ....

[ailbhe]

I'm not totally sure that scones are whipped. Besides, biscuits are more fun!

How many verses to row row do you know? I know life is but a dream, into the water you go, and don't forget to scream.

[nicolap.livejournal.com]

You want MORE verses? At last- a chance to show that I have learnt something in the last seven years!

RRR yr boat, Gently Down the River, If you see a polar bear, don't forget to shiver.

RRR yr boat, gently to the shore, if you see a lion there, don't forget to roar (very popular with small daughter as general excuse for roaring and mayhem).

[ailbhe]

Five! Five verses! hurrah!

Of course, assembling all the verses to TWOTB could take a lifetime.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Row, row your your boat
Gently down the stream
If you see a crocodile
Don't forget to scream.

Kate also likes the lion roaring one too :)

[jentifred.livejournal.com]

There is also:

Row, row, row your boat
Underneath the stream
Haha fooled you
I'm a submarine!

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

*giggle* I like that one :)

[heraldis.livejournal.com]

Row row row your boat
Gently up the Nile
If you see an Alligator
Don't forget to smile

[random-c.livejournal.com]

I think the problem is not what *you* do - it's what other people *don't*. Does that make sense?

[barakta]

I snarked at someone the other day for condemning women who choose to stay at home. She implied that it set feminism back by 5 decase or something of that ilk. I found that really offensive because having read your journal I am more and more convinced that being a stay at home mother is not only an admirable thing to do, but that it is even more valuable and hard work than I could have ever imagined.

I don't think I could do the job you do. In fact my main reason for not currently wanting (if ever) children is that I would never be as devoted or as good at motherhood as I would like to be, nevermind do a passable job. I would never dismiss anyone as 'just' a SAH Parent, because I know it's an awful lot more than that.

My best friend's mum was a stay at home mum, and then the only parent after her husband died while the children were young. She is able to do far more for the good of society and her family as a whole without a "paid job" than if she was forced into a job for the sake of it. Even after her children grew up, she didn't do paid work, but did a large quantity of voluntary work in a recognised form as well as supporting several elderly friends in the last years of their lives or other younger friends when time gets hard and they need support. She's my 'second mum', and I respect her more than almost anyone else I know.

[ailbhe]

It sets feminism back five decades if you value traditional men's roles higher than traditional women's roles, true. Is it antifeminist to work on a building site as unskilled labour? Is it antifeminist to be DEO of a multinational corporation? Is it antifeminist to do the same job your grandfather did?

Then why should it be antifeminist to do the same job your grandmother did?

[barakta]

I first realised what a big deal parenthood was from time spent with my paternal grandmother. Before then it wasn't really something I had considered.

[shreena.livejournal.com]

I think some of it is that most of us know women who were pressurised to stay at home to the point of basically having been forced to and the reaction against that leads us to assume that no-one wants to stay at home with children.

Of the stay-at-home mothers I knew when I was a child, at least a couple have owned up (to their children who are friends of mine) that they didn't actually want to, they felt that they ought to and are all revelling in their new or resumed out-of-home careers. My boyfriend's mother is making me realise that some women actually loved being at home with their children but also love resuming their careers and that these two things aren't mutually exclusive. But, I'm still betting that a lot of people's attitudes are shaped by this.

And, it's not helped by the defensiveness on both sides of the working parent/stay-at-home parent divide. I've come across stay-at-home mothers online who've been very strident about how their 16 year old "needs" them at home which is clearly bollocks and working mothers who are equally strident about how seeing their child once or twice a week doesn't really harm their relationship... also bollocks.

It's a very personal thing - parenthood - that's being policiticised and that's troublesome for most people. I mean, I personally find it extremely difficult to understand why anyone would want to be a stay-at-home mother. I try to understand by reading journals and talking to stay-at-home mothers who love it or loved it but, fundamentally, it's not for me. And, while you can say that about various choices of lifestyle and career and it not have any real impact on anything, you can't do so about motherhood without it feeding into your views on a political and social movement which just makes things... difficult. Sorry, this last paragraph isn't very coherent.

[barakta]

Oh absolutely. I think my maternal grandmother disliked being a SAHM, her happiest time seems to have been during WWII when she was a midwife in Glasgow. Recently she's told me all sorts of stories about how she could walk anywhere safely because no one would attack a woman in a midwife's uniform, because they wanted midwives to come to their homes and deliver the babies...

She started working again when her children were all in highschool, which I think was important for her. She tried to be a good mother but I don't think she was able to hide how unhappy she was. Certainly my mum says she doesn't remember her mum being a happy person, and that might have been partly the restrictions (as she saw them) of being a wife and mother.

i think the balance between the personal and the political is one that we all have to navigate at some point while not dismissing or devaluing the choices that other people make.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

stay-at-home mothers online who've been very strident about how their 16 year old "needs" them at home which is clearly bollocks

Our family benefited a great deal from having one or more parents home when the teenagers came home from school most days. That was often prime talking time, as well as time for some low-key homework help and occasional cooking lessons. It also meant that we got to know all the other kids in the crowd, because they tended to hang out at our place in the afternoons, so we had a pretty good handle on the social scene and its potential problems.

I agree with you that defensiveness and rigid statements don't help, though.

[shreena.livejournal.com]

I'm not saying that it's useless, just that it's hardly the case that a 16 year old needs a parent at home after school. I'm sure you can make good use of that time, if you happen to be at home - and, if you can afford not to work, why should you? - but to argue that it's vital is to be deliberately being obtuse.

Not having a parent at home can have its own advantages - a child will be more independant, will be better at helping around the house, etc and many children actively enjoy alone time too.

[ailbhe]

I think some of it is that most of us know women who were pressurised to stay at home to the point of basically having been forced to and the reaction against that leads us to assume that no-one wants to stay at home with children.

Yes - but "women should have the choice to work" isn't the same as "women should be obliged to work because their mothers weren't allowed to."

Choicey choicey choicey choice. Choosing!

The past paragraph was about as coherent as these things get.

Personally, I think that women who want to have children and stay at home to raise them should be able to do just that (anyone in it for the easy ride will quickly learn the error of their ways) and women who want to have children and work outside the home should be able to do just that (anyone who thinks it's a convenient way to get someone else to raise your children will quickly learn the error of their ways) and women who don't want to have children should do just that.

It's simple, really. Society needs men, and women, and children. Children need to be raised. It doesn't help anyone if they're being raised every hour of every day by people who don't want them, or who find doing it 24/7 stultifyingly dull, or who could be better parents if they also had a challenging or relaxing career. That's why god invented childcare.

And the 37-hour working week, mind you.

[shreena.livejournal.com]

Oh, sure, I wasn't suggesting that it was right to feel that way, it was just an explanation of why one might feel that way. Basically, if all you've ever known are women who hated being at home and saw it as them being 'stuck at home', it's easy to be judgemental about women choosing to stay at home because you just haven't come across it being a genuine choice before. It's not fair or nice or rational but it's at least somewhat understandable, I'd say.

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

I do a very important and worthwhile job. But it's generally perceived as less important and worthwhile than the job I did maintaining a database of DNS information, or arranging for power supplies to 3G phone masts, or selling fifth-rate books to tiny bookshops at a discount. I think that's crazy.

yes, it is crazy. i don't get it. even raising me and my brothers badly was a full-time job for my mother, when she wasn't nuts enough yet to fumble it completely. i'm child-free, and part of why i've decided that is because it is such an important job, and i know i couldn't do it justice. it makes no sense to me to not realise and acknowledge it; what is it with people? it's not like with most jobs, where people not doing them actually have no idea what's involved. but we were all children, and while that shows a parent's job through a different lens, it can't possibly miss just How Much Work it is and how important that work is, unless one is totally unobservant. nevermind the benefits to society; people who can't see the nose in front of their face probably don't have a chance in hell to realise that people raising children well makes their own comfy future at all possible.

it boggles my mind that people don't celebrate parenting instead of denigrating it.

[wenlock.livejournal.com]

"My friends who are working mothers don't understand why I'm so tired at the end of the day."

I presume you mean mothers who are paid in money for their work?

[ailbhe]

Not having argument about terminology here! Did that ages ago, resolved to use generically understood terms for simplicity except when I feel too irritated!

Yes, that's what I meant - money-earning mothers.

[wenlock.livejournal.com]

You jumped on me once for using the term. It was just too good an opportunity to miss to return the jump ;D

[wenlock.livejournal.com]

Why? Why is it important what other people think of you? You know you are doing what you and your family needs you to do. Enjoy. You are doing what you want to do,what you heart desires, which is something most people spend their whole lives searching for.

[ailbhe]

It is important how other people treat me because I live in a world iwth other people. Duh.

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

But the fact is, there's a huge variety of other people and no matter what you do, somewhere someone will be a psycho bitch who'll try to bring you down. And I don't mean just females do this, but in my experience, yeah, it's often women. Even when you're well respected by the vast majority, there'll be weirdo freaks out to bring you down.

[ms-interpret.livejournal.com]

This was a very interesting and thought-provoking post. I've seen you on the breastfeeding community and just noticed that you're a friend of hitchhiker's. That alone makes you cool enough to friend. This post cinches it. :)

[ms-interpret.livejournal.com]

d'oh! I put in a dash. sorry 'bout that.