The things I do

[ailbhe]

I walk around Mothercare, looking at double buggies and deciding which one would be best for my height and Rob's height and the width of our doors.

I read books about pregnancy and birth. I read about fertility and artificially assisted conception.

I think of names for the new baby.

I think of strategies to help Linnea accept the new baby.

I feel guilty for displacing Linnea.

I look at maternity clothes and hold them up against myself to see how they fit.

I imagine feeding a new baby, dressing a new baby, introducing Linnea to a new baby.

I plan the birth - I've decided that Linnea can come to the hospital with me, and see me as soon as I'm out on the postnatal ward. I want a private room with a sign on it saying "Knock." I want every single person I meet to introduce themselves to me - "Hi, I'm Bob, and I'll be your anaesthetist for the day."

I do not open the parcel with the vaginal dilators. I do not call doctors. I do not make any actual progress towards getting pregnant again.

But I cry...

Comments

[helenprev.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I wish I had something constructive to say. But all I can do is listen, be here and hold your hand, metaphorically.

*more tight hugs*

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do hope that your different appointments with all those medical people help make progress toward the day that I can feel resentment and toward you for having another kid.

I do believe you'll make it. And a lot of me will be very very happy to hear the details. But a corner of my heart will want to sabotage every condom within 15 miles of my house.

DH doesn't want another kid, so short of essentially a miracle, we're not having one.

I'll keep rooting for you. You can do this. Linnea will make a fabulous big sister, and you're already an awesome mom.

[feetnotes.livejournal.com]

*huggg*

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I half plan another baby in my head even though it's not going to happen. I look at maternity clothes in the next directory & see what I think would suit me.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I don't know about "actual" progress, but from what I've read, you *have* made progress from where you were. One step at a time, when and as you're ready. Sending hopeful thoughts your way.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I thought the other day that you could send the package to me, and I could open it for you, and send it back. And then I realised that wouldn't actually solve the problem :)

But if it's that you're afraid of what might be lurking in the box, feel free to do that, and I'll open it and take lots of photos & post them to my lj pics with a filter that only you can see. And then post them back to you in a friendly box.

[nicolap.livejournal.com]

*hugs* lots of them

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

I think all those things you do are helping you get to where you can start to make "practical" steps toward getting pregnant. It's all part of the wanting process, and the more you want, the more you will be able to do. What you are doing now, by doing all these things that you do, is preparing. Preparing is good. enjoy the preparation, the dreaming about what it's going to be like. and I like the idea of the sign on the door!

[k425.livejournal.com]

What she said. It's all preparation for your mind.

[djelibeybi.livejournal.com]

I cannot find the words to help so I feel useless. I just wish all these wishes from friends could make dreams come true.

hug</>

[(Anonymous)]

If loving thoughts (and tears!) could help you, you would be healed already! Please try to take strength from the knowledge that many more people than you know of are willing you to get through this and to reach a happy place where all the pain is behind you. Don't cry. Be strong. You will make it!