Stay at home mothering

[ailbhe]

Division of labour: Rob: Earn money in 9-5:30 job plus 9 hours commuting a week, bath Linnea, take her to park 1 hour a day, cook dinner sometimes 3 nights a week, wash dirty pots, launder nappies every 2nd day or so, make three packed lunches every evening, feed cats twice daily, clean toilet daily, mix porridge ready for the morning every evening.

Ailbhe: Manage all finances in and out, care for Linnea 22 hours a day (of which she spends on average 11 asleep, though not continuously), cook dinner 4-5 nights a week, make all childcare-related decisions, all household laundry for three people (at least one load daily), grocery shopping, meal planning + budgeting, hoovering, dishes-washing (except pots), making beds, mopping up spillages, washing floors, dusting (I have a dust allergy), arrange for Linnea to see paternal relations, arrange for Linnea to see maternal relations, arrange for Rob to be respectable enough not to invite ire from paternal relations, arrange for Rob to contact his friends (I have given up on this, so if Rob hasn't contacted you, it's my fault), arrange for me to contact my friends (I do this but less than I'd like), arrange any family holidays (usually to see relations) including packing for three, booking transport for three, and either arranging or reminding Rob to arrange accommodation for three (depending on whose relations) AND do anything Rob has forgotten or neglected or been too tired to do.

And today, when I asked why he'd stayed home to help and done almost nothing, he said "But I've been working really hard!"

Can anyone give me three reasons not to kill him at this point?

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I'm struggling to find one reason, other than so you don't have to go find a job and do the rest, too.

Sheesh. He needs the bat-o-clue applied repeatedly.

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

What was he working really hard at?

A huge schism between my husband and me is that we rarely give each other credit for the work we do. He's convinced I do nothing around the house, and I'm convinced that 90 percent of his effort is nagging with 10 percent devoted to annoying the crap out of me. But neither of us is right. But we rarely acknowledge each others' efforts anyway.

[sunruner.livejournal.com]

Um... well.. the reasons I use are usually,
I love him... (tho there are times when in similar situations I question my sanity on that one.)
He's the boys father and they would miss him.
I would go to jail and lose my kids.
That last one is usually the winner but sometimes it's a very close thing.

Good luck.

[heraldis.livejournal.com]

1) Torture is more effective and satisfying
2) You'd have to wash the pots too
3) The insurance won't pay out unless you do a _really_ convincing job...

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

1. Um.
2. Er.
3. Depression makes people really utterly useless and pointing out how useless they are, in delicate ways, such as killing them, makes them feel worse, which makes them even more useless. Now, hand him a list, and give him a *look* or a word whenever you see him sat down.

Depression

[ailbhe]

Um. Where's my "gets to be really utterly useless free" card, then?

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I was wrong, that there should say: have him make a list and whip himself whenever he's sat down and not actively doing something.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

*sympathies* I used to fall into the trap of managing aegidian's family life for him, too. I don't any more - it doesn't work for anyone concerned. Even his mother seems to have got the message now that it's no use complaining to me about things he has or hasn't done.

I do feel some sympathy for Rob, too, though (as a veteran of arguments of this kind where I have been on the other side), because if Rob wrote out in the same style all the things he'd done during his 9-5.30 job, the list would probably be as long as yours. What happens if you list only the things that one of you does at times when the other isn't doing any of the things on their list? (I'd suggest leaving off the stuff you do to organise his family arrangements, too, and simply not doing it any more).

Re: Depression

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I don't know where he got his.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Yes, very much what I was going to say. From your perspective, he's not pulling his weight; from his, I imagine, he pulls his weight away from the house all day long and "deserves" a break.

But, of course, so do you, and your job is one that doesn't come with time off.

That may be a productive approach: "Yes, dear, I realize you're busy all day long, but SO AM I, and if it's fair for you to get a break, then it's fair for me to have one, too. How can we make sure both of us get what we need?"

If he's not willing to consider that you're working at least as hard as he is, and deserve just as much consideration, then that's a problem.

[ailbhe]

I think the biggest problem we have is that he *says* he believes that what I do is amazing and difficult and wonderful, and then uses *that* - the amazingness and difficulty - as a reason why he shouldn't be expected to do what he agreed to in the first place.

I do get a break; he takes Linnea for a couple of hours a day and I get to do housework and so on without caring for her *as well*. And then I read LJ.

We also have the I can multitask - he can't thing going on. So I can do three things at once (Read LJ, sing Linnea a clapping song, and knit, to pick a not so random example) and he... can't. I do my hobbies *while* I do other stuff. He can't do that at all, which is one reason he resents looking after Linnea so much.

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

You'd have to do his work too.
Prison would make it hard to see Linnea.
You love him.
Linnea would miss him (Daaaaadeeeeee).

Yeah, I can't count.

[(Anonymous)]

Um, you love him, he loves you, he gave you Linnea? Best I could do I'm afraid :/

(Psst, throwing things like teatowels is great, 'cos they can't actually hurt anyone, but the act of throwing something does wonders for steam-venting and means he *might* survive the night ;) )

[kightp.livejournal.com]

*nod* That's why I'd suggest focusing on time, rather than difficulty-of-task.

In the long run, it doesn't *matter* whether what you do is hard, or whether you can multi-task and he can't. What matters is that you deserve a break, just as he does, and if you don't get it you're going to go mad and kill him. (Well, probably not, but it does make a nice threat...)

The usual trap I've seen couples in this situation fall into is when Partner A, having reached a breaking point, finally persuades Partner B to help ... but B doesn't do the job up to A's standards, so A winds up either supervising (which isn't a break at all) or redoing all the work B. did.

Getting through this may require that you grit your teeth and relax your standards a bit. Not, obviously, on things like Linnea's health and safety. But what would happen if he took Linnea and you forced yourself not to do housework and so on during the break?

[ailbhe]

Today he washed two meals' worth of dishes, fed Linnea breakfast, emptied the washing machine into a basket, and put a single item in the machine. And sat and watched TV with Linnea for a couple of hours.

[annburlingham.livejournal.com]

I think the biggest problem we have is that he *says* he believes that what I do is amazing and difficult and wonderful, and then uses *that* - the amazingness and difficulty - as a reason why he shouldn't be expected to do what he agreed to in the first place.

Ah, meaning that you do it so much better, why should he give it a shot at all?

That reminds me of *very* helpful words from the late Ann Daingerfield Zwicky, conveyed to me by Arnold Zwicky: "It it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly." In other words, *not being able to do it well* isn't a good enough excuse; nobody's good at things without practice, to begin with, and perfectionists, especially, need to learn that it's acceptable to do an *okay* job of something, so long as it gets *done*.

"You do it better and faster" is no excuse for not taking one's turn. In fact, now I'll make the argument that "You do it better and faster" is a good time for the better, faster person to go on strike, until the other person gets so much practice that it's second nature to them, too. Ha!

(Jail and the mess are the only two reasons I can come up with, by the way. Oh, and that he could be worse.)

[ailbhe]

Jail and the mess are the only two reasons I can come up with, by the way. Oh, and that he could be worse.

Are we getting into "at least he doesn't beat me" territory here?

Re: Depression

[buzzy-bee.livejournal.com]

They're only issued to people with penises, sadly.

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

yeah. When I'm watching TV with Squeaky, it's because I'm nursing her.

Bleah. Were you able to rest or get more done while she was occupied -- even if it was largely by the "boob tube"?

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

You can't do the "at least he doesn't beat me" card until he's at least verbally abusing you. And before verbal abuse it'd help if he actively trashes what work you've finished.

He could be far, far worse, hon.

And it sounds like it'll be another thing on your plate, but maybe make active suggestions for what he should do NOT sitting on his butt in front of the TV. "Linnae and I were thinking of going to the park to play on swings, but I just want to finish the floor." "Could you please move stuff from X to Y?" Or make up something seasonal that will get him outside. Guys like lawn stuff.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

I got nothing.

[ailbhe]

See, I don't think "he could be worse" is in any way helpful. It's not a reason not to be single, anyway.

[allyphoe.livejournal.com]

OMG. Allyson's sum total responsibilities:
- Care for Alex 11 hours a day, 2-5 of which she's asleep (I'm on duty from when I get home 'til when I leave); includes keeping her fed and mostly dressed and clean and taking her to swimming and tumbling class
- Manage most of the finances (I pay some bills online)
- Fold laundry (I wash and put away)
- Take out trash (nightly and weekly)
- Give the cat PM food and medicine and clean the box (I give AM food and medicine)

She WOH a couple hours a week on average (<5 in a 2-week span), too.

Me:
WOH ~40 hours a week, but I do have downtime at work
15 hours of college classes
aforementioned chores that are divided
all of the shopping that her mom (who lives with us) doesn't do
arranging for any Alex activities
all of the cooking that her mom doesn't do
all of the yardwork other than mowing the lawn (which we hire done)

Want to be my wife? ;)

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I've got to balance out just how much work and hell it would take to get out. Sell the house. Move furnishings. Sell stuff. Try to explain to the kid why she won't be seeing daddy as much. Bleah, blah. Some days it seems easier than others.

Even if he's frustrating and not doing what even he acknowledges he should be doing, the two of you seem to have a team perspective about enough that I think you can work this out. Yes. You're frustrated and annoyed. And no, he doesn't seem to Get The Idea. But from my perspective, he's still a keeper.

"he could be worse"; not a reason not to be single...

[feetnotes.livejournal.com]

no, indeed it is not; and there are several non-messy means & methods, as any fan of agatha christie can testify... but even here, "kiss" is good advice; & combining that with steering clear of at least two of "means, motive & opportunity" promises to prove a poser...

the best option to plump for is probably going to be some variety of unforseeable household accident, tragically fatal - and triggered by linnea, utterly innocently, and quite unawares; though these latter points are more for her future peace of mind, being as how she's waaaay under the age of criminal responsibility.

but do you not find your muppet passably decorative, essentially good company, occasionally even intellectually stimulating, and friendlily disposed?

ahem. this last putative plus might perhaps be better phrased...