What it's like to have had a traumatic birth and PTSD, II

[ailbhe]

Further to this post, made almost a year ago, I'd like to say a little about what it's like to live with truamatic birth and PTSD now.

Physical and mental symptoms, in a bit of a hodge-podge:

• I still can't go to the toilet without manual intervention.
• I am no longer in constant pain but I am frequently in discomfort.
• I am not as continent as I would like to be.
• If I walk or stand for very long, bits of me bulge out into my pants and chafe against my clothing and my thighs. Not pretty. Not pleasant.
• If someone grabs my butt in an affectionate manner, the squeeze is quite likely to stretch scar tissue in an extremely painful way, especially on the left side.
• I am forgetful. I can remember some things very well, and hold long discussions on intervention births including statistics, and ten minutes later forget not only the statistics, but that I had the conversation. Luckily, I can blog. Someone recently put this well - it is a bit like vertigo, living with the constant knowledge that all the information in my head could fall out any minute.
• I forget words - simple vocabulary I use fairly frequently. This makes me look stupid and/or uneducated in company.
• I am tired - I can't meet any but the least stressful, friendliest people. I can't cope with other people's problems at all, especially not their gynaecological ones, though I try to sympathise. Reading the phrase "it's not good for my sex life" makes me cry or see red, depending on mood.
• I am afraid to talk to women who are pregnant in case I terrify them. What happened to me is a freak accident - a bit like the woman who was struck by lightning while pregnant - and is extremely unlikely to happen to you. You are much more likely to be run over by a bus. But I am still afraid of other people's births - I focus on advising them to be as assertive as hell and keep politeness to the minimum necessary to avoid rudeness, since I remain convinced that a bit less deference in my attitude would have changed things a lot.
• I cry when I hear of anyone who has a good birth. In a good way, but I cry.
• Television or radio representations of women in labour make me panic.
• I panic if I have to go to the doctor or the hospital, even if it's only to accompany someone else, such as my daughter.
• I am a bore about it. I go on and on and on. But you know, it goes on and on and on.
• I can't have sex, or use a tampon. I almost forgot that!
• I wasted money on a Mooncup which I can't use. Sad.

And that's what it's like now. It was a lot worse a year ago.

Comments

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that it's better than it was, although I really hope some of these get better. :( I've had little to offer on most of this. I did want to note that forgetfulness and loss of vocabularity are also associated with sleep deprivation, so that might be a double-whammy situation for you. (On the other side, if there was some way to address the sleep situation, you might be able to alleviate some of that.)

Sleep dep

[ailbhe]

I am hoping that the new sleep regime (yes, there is one, even though my baby's ill) will work wonders. It's certainly doing marvellous things to my temper.

[more-musings.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on the being assetive to medical professionals - too often we just agree with them, and we should stand up to them more often. You've inspired me to make another doctor's appointment for a second opinion no - thank you.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

Slightly off-topic.... I just have to ask. Do you actually know someone who was struck by lightning while pregnant? Because I was. As you said, not so common. My doctors kept saying they couldn't *find* any medical literature about it. Just curious....

Ahem. And you don't really know me, but it does sound like things are getting better for you, and I'm glad.

Electric Baby

[ailbhe]

No, I was thinking of you, but I don't know you well enough to link to you in my LJ. I don't know if you'd mind, you see.

Re: Electric Baby

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

Aha. Fair enough. Perhaps we should just decide we do know each other well enough. Or something. :)

I never know who is reading my LJ, and if they came in at a time when the term "EB" was first defined.

Carry on then.

Re: Electric Baby

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

And, although my trauma had little to do with my pregnancy.... I hope that someday I'll be able to be comfortable in thunderstorms, or go hiking. Just like someday you'll be able to deal with pregnancy, childbirth issues, and gynecology without too much pain. It will happen for both of us.

Re: Electric Baby

[ailbhe]

I'm not comfortable outdoors in a thunderstorm. Not at all. Hiking, though... Yeah, hiking would be nice. If we ever get better, we could arrange a Post-Trauma Hike.

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

My husband was utterly useless for most of the labor time. And, for that matter, much of the time since the girl's birth. But what was very helpful to me was a doula. Even though she wasn't quite as helpful as I'd hoped, she had my birth plan, she knew what I was trying for, and she consistently gave me feedback and information and juice and ice chips. I believe she could have been rude for me if we needed it.

But, as it was, she sat on the labor ball while I ended up trying one or two "novel" positions before settling flat on my back.

[ailbhe]

I couldn't get a doula. My husband deferred to my judgement. He wasn't useless - he was immensely supportive - but he wasn't well-educated enough to have any idea when to mistrust the medics.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I was going to point out that some of this sounds like sleep dep, too.

Would you like me to start cut-tagging my bitching about my current gyno issues, so as not to bother or trigger you? I would be glad to do so, if it matters to you.

I am glad things are better. I hope next year's list is even better than this one.

[ailbhe]

I'll follow the cut-tags, though. It's not that bad, honestly, but I *don't* often feel genuine sympathy, which bothers me. I'm a naturally sympathetic person.

[ailbhe]

Is that icon supposed ot look like a pregnant woman on her back? Because it does.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I never noticed it before, but it does. I think it's just supposed to be a grouping of squash and pumpkins.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

With everything you've been through, I'm not surprised that you don't feel sympathetic, especially since you're not still recovered to the point you want to be at. It makes sense, especially with the PTSD.

[hfnuala.livejournal.com]

You're really not boring about it at all. Now, you may be boring yourself, because you have to live with it everyday, but you're not boring to read.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I'm so sorry.

I was planning a homebirth, then had to have a planned cesarean section because my son was breech. Reading your story reminds me that vaginal birth is not always the holy grail of peace and enlightenment that us crunchy granola types make it out to be, and that a c-section is far from the worst thing that could have happened.

I agree with some of the other commenters, though, that some of the things you're describing are maybe just mommy brain. I forget words all the time, and conversations - I once had to call up a client and ask them to review what we'd talked about the day before, because while I could remember that the conversation had taken place, I had absolutely no recollection of what she'd said. Talk about embarassing! I've been attributing it to sleep deprivation and breastfeeding sucking out all of my brain cells...

Many good wishes for things getting better.

[nwhyte]

Jeepers. My thoughts are with you.

[leedy.livejournal.com]

You don't seem boring at all! And yikes, you really have been through (and are a still going through) a lot of rough stuff, healthwise. I'm glad to hear that you're better now than you were a year ago, I hope this trend continues.