It Works For Us (tm)

[ailbhe]

We have reached a happy plateau of parenting. I actually don't care very much what I'm "supposed" to be doing any more. I care, instead, that what I'm doing is right for us - all three of us, and our friends.

We bought Linnea a Big Girl Bed and she sleeps there now, and not in her cot. But we did it to make it easier to nurse her to sleep, because now I can lie down beside her and nurse her to sleep, not because she's a Big Girl Now. I mean, she is - she's huge, and SO ADVANCED, naturally - but that wasn't why.

I've given up on pumping breastmilk. I felt bad about it for a while, and then I thought "Why? Why am I doing this? What possible reason do I have to give this child a bottle?" She can get her milk from source, which is easier for everyone, and if I have to go into hospital again she can have pumped milk then, and not before.

I've given up apologising to other mothers. I even read, today, a post about how a well-thought-out birth plan is why a woman had the birth she wanted, and I didn't respond "I had a well-thought-out birth plan too, but my body and my medical staff ignored it," but instead read on past it. The rest of the post just assured me that I have as little in common with this woman as I always thought I had, so I shan't be going back (though I want to go back and put another apostrophe in sha'n't, dammit).

I dope my daughter up with an antihistamine medication when she has sinuses so runny or clogged that she can't breathe properly. I also do it when she gets so overtired that she can't sleep - that's happened twice in the past 17 months.

I don't read to her very much; I do when she asks me to, but generally I let her do her own thing with books. I certainly don't teach her to count. In fact, I am trying veyr hard not to teach her anything unless she shows an inclination to learn it first. She's teaching me a thing or two, though, with little regard for my personal preferences.

I try to treat her with the respect due her position: She is essentially powerless. She is in my care, and I am solely responsible for her wellbeing. I chose this position. She did not. I'm very glad I'm not in her position; last time I was, I hated it. Admittedly, she seems to be very happy... but I do feel the imbalance of power quite strongly. So I only fight the battles I feel I need to, and I fight fewer and fewer of the ones I "ought" to.

Which is pretty liberating for both of us.

And Rob? Rob thinks I must be doing right. I'm not sure what he bases this on, but it's convenient. He swears up and down that if he thinks I'm doing something wrong he'll tell me, but I'm not altogether sure he's not a leetle scared of me and might not really. Perhaps he'd leave an anonymous comment in my journal, or have Janice do it. I'd ignore an anonymous comment, that's for sure.

And that's how far I've come. I hold my beliefs quite cheerfully, and I keep holding 'em, even when someone authoritatively tells me I'm wrong. I need more than an authoritative or self-justifying tone to tell me why I'm wrong, these days.

In other news, I'm about to have a bath and some popcorn, not necessarily in that order, and read some more of my nice HE book.

Comments

[oldbloke.livejournal.com]

I actually don't care very much what I'm "supposed" to be doing any more. I care, instead, that what I'm doing is right for us - all three of us

That's us, that is. Read the books, websites, etc, then do *what works*

I've given up on pumping breastmilk
We had some on the freezer which came in very handy while Jack was dairy-intolerant, but once he'd grown out of that, L stopped bothering.
By the time she had to pump&dump after an anaesthetic, he was old enough not to _need_ milk. I still get a warm glow when I'm occasionally reminded that L donated to the milk bank at Huddersfiled, even though I didn't actually have to do anything except drive there to drop the stuff off.

I certainly don't teach her to count
Jack's older than Linnea, and only just starting counting (he knows "two") - and the nursery have done that really, not us, though we do number stuff with him casually, sometimes. I never did do owt with that "Teach your baby math" book.

I'm about to have a bath and some popcorn, not necessarily in that order, and read some more of my nice HE book.

Now you're scaring me - that's L's idea of a great evening.

[sierra-le-oli.livejournal.com]

I never did do owt with that "Teach your baby math" book.

I'm trying to figure out if you're being sarcastic or if that book really exists...

[oldbloke.livejournal.com]

It exists. I'll get you the ISBN if you like. They have this theory that infants understand number directly, rather than having to have it hammered in via the number symbols, so you start with flash cards with random numbers of dots (up to 100) on, telling the baby how many there are when you flash it up, and build from that, instead of starting with counting 1,2,3 etc and then associating that with the number symbols.
But I did OK the old way, and I never got round to buying the big sheets of card and sticky dots.
I will do the polygon mobile soon, though. And build him a set of polyhedra. Anybody into that stuff, check out the beermat-type card polygons available from the website of the Association of Teachers of Mathematics.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

It Works For Us (tm)

which is what makes you a good parent.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

Huzzah! for happy parenting plateaus. I'm glad that sleeping to nurse is working better. I was worried, but hadn't any suggestions.

[ailbhe]

Most of the suggestions we found were for ways of making her sleep in her cot without help, or cosleeping, neither of which work well for us any more. It took a very, very low week indeed to think me outside the box enough to buy her a bed. Very, very low.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

What a refreshing post! I'm glad you're feeling self assured in your parenting. I strive for the same, but don't always get there.

strive!

[ailbhe]

Well, I get there about as often as I tell teh intarwebs I get there, but it's nice when it happens...

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Kate is intelligent, but I refused right from the word go to actually teach her things "just because" My Aunty used flash cards on my cousin who's about 20 years younger than me & she was keen for me to do the same with Kate. I've never done it, but when she was in the 1 to 2 years olds nursery class when I was studying, I was told they'd done flash cards & Kate was the only child out of 15 or so who got them all right & who showed an interest. So, I certainly had had no need to "teach" her to recognise pictures.

She asked me to teach her to read a few months ago & I'm ashamed to say that it's got sidelined by my PND & my lack of knowledge of how best to go about it.

Glad the bed is working. Kate moved into one at a couple of months before2 & we've never looked back. She was ready before that, but again it was sidetracked as we were planning a wedding & another baby :)

[k425.livejournal.com]

Rob thinks I must be doing right. I'm not sure what he bases this on, but it's convenient.

I tend to think that if we get to the end of the day and there's been more laughter and happiness than tears, fewer bumps and accidents than risks taken and a child that generally comes to me when he wants something, I'm doing something right. I don't in general know what that is, other than love him and try to be consistent, but instinct seems to know.

It must be ok

[ailbhe]

I asked him - "Linnea seems happy, you seem happy, Linnea's fit and healthy (apart from being sick), she's not being neglected, you're giving her lots of attention, she likes it, she likes you, she's confident and um - outgoing and not afraid to wander off by herself and if she gets into trouble she knows she can call for you and everything will be alright. Or me, but I don't have the magic boobs."

Re: It must be ok

[k425.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's roughly how I assess getting it right!

Of course, the magic boobs help!

[wenlock.livejournal.com]

I spent the first 18months of my first child isolated from the influence of others. For some reason it never crossed my mind to find other mothers and babies to mix with. With hindsight it was the best thing I could have ever done. All I was armed with was a copy of Penelope Leach's Baby & Child, a sling I had bought because I remembered my mother carrying my sister in a folded sheet. I used terries and breastfed because I was so unorganised I was sure I would run out of disposables/formula/sterilising tablets. Purely left to my own devices it worked out, I never questioned if I was "doing it right" because I never had anyone suggest I was doing it wrong! This probably sounds extremly arrogant, I just think I was very lucky to have been left alone for so long,in someways I wish it had been longer.

Balance of power

[rmc28]

I've noticed I feel the imbalance of power I have over the cats quite strongly, and I feel quite uncomfortable about e.g. trapping them to take them to the vet, or catching them to do flea drops. Even though I know it's the best thing for them, not being able to explain it to these small personalities feels bad, especially when I have to use trickery and deceit to catch them.

I don't remember feeling like this with children that I've looked after. But then they were other people's children, and other people made those choices, including the choice of putting me temporarily in charge, and usually the worst I had to do was change a nappy, which doesn't really have those overtones of doing-something-nasty-for-your-own-good-honest.

Re: Balance of power

[ailbhe]

That depends on a lot on the child. I've taught more than one mother how to sit on her child to force it through a nappy change - though it's true that they tend to cooperate better with strangers than with their own parents.

I felt it less strongly with the cats, except when we had them spayed. I still feel bad about that.