15 minutes at a time

[ailbhe]

We are bringing Linnea's bedtime back to normal.

Something someone said lately made me think this: No matter how much thought a mother has put into her childrearing decisions, hearing someone else (especially a stranger) state that they do it differently feels like criticism. I'm pretty sure this is true for those of us who practice "attachment parenting" type stuff - lots of carrying and cuddles and snuggling to sleep and always responding to crying and so on - and I wouldn't be surprised if it's also true for the other end of the scale, the cry-it-out gang.

"Oh," says the observing parent as you pace the garden with your infant talking about the moon in a soporific tone at 9 o'clock at night, "We always put Jim-Bob down at 7 pm and he just sleeps. Of course, we never went to him when he was little unless he was hungry." Oh, says the pacing parent, well that's just great, but it wouldn't work for Susie-Mae. So just drop dead, and mind the gardenias.

"You're giving him chocolate? We didn't let any artificial sugars past her lips until she graduated highschool."(You sent her to high school? Why didn't you educate her yourself in a yurt?)

... and so on, and so forth.

Of course, the online journal circle is a particularly fine place for this kind of interaction to spring up, because the tone of interested, non-judgemental surprise doesn't appear in the words as typed. And there's always lots of support for anyone who declares that breastfeeders are perverts creating Oedipus complexes or that formula feeders are child abusers creating eating disorders. But I'm interested to know whether this criticism - defense reaction is as prevalent as I think it is, or whether I'm just overreacting to vitriol in snark communities, or whether I'm just too defensive and need to learn to relax, man, and have faith in myself. Yo.

Today, by 10 am, I had washed, dressed, breakfasted, self and Linnea. Put on and hung out a load of laundry. Hoovered one floor and washed three others (all small). Washed the breakfast / late night snack dishes. Played in the garden with Linnea and played in her bedroom - I gave her the ball-pool balls and we had a great time. And I'd written a pome, and put dinner in the slow cooker, and tidied up and stuff.

I really, really need to stop feeling like I don't do enough. That's not half bad for a morning's work, especially when you consider that I involve Linnea in all that I do (from a sense of sharing and caring, you understand, not because I have no option - it's a parenting style decision so that she grows up a well-rounded individual, not an eardrum-preserving decision so that I grow up without tinitus in the key of whinge).

Comments

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

I think that parenting is a hugely important deal for all of us, so when someone else is doing things differently, it's easy to both feel defensive even when the other person wasn't attacking, and also to question the other person's decision making abilities. Which sucks.

Because, you know, if everyone would think straight they'd do it the way I do.

But really? YOu rock. I'm lucky if I do two loads of laundry a week, and we've got an electric drier. And integrating the kid into doing stuff is not easy, it makes your job that much harder, but you're doing it. Washing the floor? Yeah. Every few weeks.

You ROCK.

[ailbhe]

It's not possible to do stuff without involving her. She doesn't allow it. I'd have to tie her up. It's a lot easier and quicker to figure out a way to let her help.

But yes, I rock. It's funny that I still have the weird defense reaction though.

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

Squeaky doesn't demand to be involved in exactly what I'm doing, but she does demand complete access to me at all times. Hug? Talk? Show me what she picked off the dog? Gotta be there. And trying to keep her away from a grease splattering stovetop when she just wants to bang her forehead against my hip is really really hard.

[the-warwick.livejournal.com]

When I commented the other day about restricting Rhiannon's nap time, I wasn't intending to be critical. We're following similar styles of parenting so I don't expect for one minute that what works for us will have any bearing on the response any other child has.

I did badly at getting even a load of washing done today and I didn't have Rhiannon with me to excuse me that.

[ailbhe]

I know you weren't being critical - and nor was the other man who posted a couple of entries earlier saying more or less the same thing. But the intent doesn't seem to matter in the immediate response, and I *know* I'm not the only mother who reacts this way.

It seems to be a lot less common in fathers. Hm. I wonder if there's a culture-wide bias towards bolstering self-esteem in men and quashing it in women? Nooooo, surely not...

[the-warwick.livejournal.com]

Shouldn't fathers be the ones who feel less inclined to offer an idea? After all we're not traditionally the ones who have the first idea as to what to do with a child beyond patronising them. I know that Rob and I are a bit different from 'average fathers' since we tend to pay attention, get involved and understand attachment parenting, but in my own relationship and family I pay attention to the real expert who has taught me so much about what to expect and do about it.

In our own sphere of local friends we are lucky that there are 3 fathers (including me) who are *very* involved. We're happy to offer suggestions among ourselves, but the matriarchy wins hands down.

Anyway.. Any suggestion that I make that may interfere with the prospect of further pomes should be disregarded.

Average fathers

[ailbhe]

My social circle includes no uninvolved fathers. Yes, this is self-selecting, but I think it's a lot more common than generally acknowledged.

Involved parents love to share experience and advice. I haven't noticed a gender bias.

[oldbloke.livejournal.com]

The other man - is that me? We seem to be lucky with Jack's sleeping pattern. When I described what we did, it was only intended to be a datum, not a prescription for all.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

I think those of us who do the attachment parenting thing are braced for criticism because it's Not The Way It Used To Be Done last century. (Ironically, it's the Way It Was Always Done if you go even further back, before industrialisation, probably). AP isn't for those who consider schedules are ideal, or want lots of time to themselves. AP isn't convenient, and I think that's a key thing to remember in this rush-rush society that thinks the more you can cram in the better. Most people can't understand why you'd want to be walking your child in the moonlit garden at 9 PM when you could have schooled her to lie quietly in bed so that you could watch the telly. But then, the fact that you want to be spending precious time with your baby because TV isn't your thing probably also confuses them.

Kids aren't an inconvenience. They're treasures, treasures meant to be enjoyed to every last moment and inch. And I think AP-parents know instinctively that what they're doing is right for both parents and child, but that's likely because they're in tune with themselves and their babies. We brace for criticism, we expect criticism because we know every parent who doesn't have the fortune to be so wholly in tune with their children won't understand us. To them we're different, and we feel that we have to defend our differences.

Does any of that make sense, or am I rambling?

[ailbhe]

I think you're criticising non-AP parents, is what I think. Which I think supports my point somehow. Perhaps I think everyone is critical because I think they're wrong?

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

You know, I thought the same thing when I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about what I'd written. (That my post had been critical of non-AP parents, I mean.) That wasn't what I'd been trying for, but obviously our preferred POV will colour what we say no matter what, because pure objectivity is impossible. We choose to do the way we do them because we think it's right for us. That doesn't automatically mean everyone else is wrong, because I believe everyone should do what's right for them in their circumstance after careful consideration; but that assumption of right/wrong can slip in because the human mind looks at things in a Me vs the Other fashion simply as a result of being self-aware.

I also think that people are very sensitive to parenting criticism because you're carrying the responsibility of raising a human being. It's a big thing, and how you do it will have an enormous effect upon the individual you're raising.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

(Ironically, it's the Way It Was Always Done if you go even further back, before industrialisation, probably).

It is and it isn't. Yes, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and (probably) babywearing were how people raised their children in preindustrial societies. But attachment parenting's intensive focus on one-to-one interaction with babies, child-led parenting, and being "wholly in tune" with children's needs and emotions, is solely the product of wealthy postindustrial societies. No one else in the history of humanity has ever been able to afford to have one person in each family occupied with parenting and practically nothing else. (Okay, some wealthy preindustrial families were rich enough - but they typically had that "one person" be a wet nurse, not the children's mother.)

If you wanted to practice historically accurate preindustrial mothering, in addition to breastfeeding and co-sleeping you'd also probably do things like swaddling your baby to a board and leaving her propped against the wall while you did your work, until it was time to nurse. You'd probably leave the one-year-old and the three-year-old under the supervision of the six-year-old. As seen in The Continuum Concept, you might constantly wear your baby on your back while you did manual labor but rarely speak to her or have face-to-face interaction.

I think attachment parenting is great, and good for babies. But it's definitely a product of modern times and circumstances. It's a combination of the most labor-intensive features of preindustrial parenting, plus the most labor-intensive features of modern parenting. Historically speaking, it's a luxury for women with amounts of leisure and resources which were practically unheard-of in previous centuries.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

But it's definitely a product of modern times and circumstances. It's a combination of the most labor-intensive features of preindustrial parenting, plus the most labor-intensive features of modern parenting.

Agreed; I should have included the words "it draws inspiration from". One of the things I find interesting about AP is that it's a reaction to the increasingly distant family relations of the twentieth century, which in turn are a result of the socio-economic direction first-world nations have taken.

Ego Food

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

Why didn't you educate her yourself in a yurt?

I laughed at this point.

tinitus in the key of whinge

This also amused me greatly.

Wow, you are doing lots of stuff. And you also write engaging and amusing livejournal posts.

Re: Ego Food

[ailbhe]

It is always good to know when people laugh at the funny bits. Thank you.

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

The criticism-defense reaction is almost automatic, for most people, in many situations, in my experience. There are self-help books for both learning to express criticism so as to be less likely to get the defense reaction, and for learning to be less likely to have a defense reaction.

But parenting is particularly prone to it, I think, because it's so personal, often tied up in very fundamental beliefs about the world, and also realising that your parenting decisions are establishing those fundamental beliefs in your child.

Internet / lj parents

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I was critisised by another lj parent for always adding in my own experiences in comments to posts & that I was always right. All that I'd intended to do was have a conversation & it was misinterpretted as critisism, so I know exactly what you mean :/

[k425.livejournal.com]

You do so much! When I was at home with YoungBloke on maternity leave, and now at weekends, I don't manage as much as you do!

Whenever I feel criticised - either online or IRL - I tend to say "well, we all do what works for us" and leave it at that. You were saying (yesterday?) about L's bedtime at 9 and my first thought was "wow, that's late! We couldn't do that, we have to get up at 6" but then, you know, a) that's why he only gets an hour's nap at nursery - otherwise he'd be up late and a nightmare to get up in the morning and b) if we didn't have to get up at 6 he'd have a later bedtime too. But yes, the criticism/defence is pretty prevalent and I have to actively (sometimes) work not to let it overtake me. Did any of that make sense?

And before I forget, Verbaudet does vests/bodysuits up to 3yrs, which is something like 96cm - would that be any good for L?

I am the Managing Mother

[ailbhe]

I get to do so much precisely because I'm "at home" all the time. I've had a chance to develop habits and patterns and get-arounds and Linnea's behaviour.

Linnea's bedtime - we get up at 7. Her bedtime is too late, but we're working on it. We can't cut her daytime sleep short or she sleeps *less* at night.

Vests - are verbaudet clothes on the large size? Because she's outgrowing the mothercare 2-3 years ones r1t3 n0w. I'm actually not all that bothered any more as she's going to be ready to start potty training soon and she can get a nappy out from under a poppered vest already. A poppered vest and dungarees, in fact.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

I'm so thankful I *have* internet access while I'm home with a little baby! I think I feel much less isolated than I would otherwise.

The flip side is, you have to learn to avoid the places where you will encounter judgment. I had lots of problems breastfeeding, for example, so I never ever look at breastfeeding, which is populated by a lot of people who would make me feel bad about things I had no choice about. If that makes sense.....

Internet access

[ailbhe]

I dunno about parenting, but I could never have coped with the traumatic birth fallout without the internet. The isolation might have killed me or Linnea.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

No matter how much thought a mother has put into her childrearing decisions, hearing someone else (especially a stranger) state that they do it differently feels like criticism.

This has been exactly my experience as well. Thanks for an interesting and thought provoking post about it. Just last week I was attending a picnic with moms from the moms group I was part of when Liam was just little. I was so concerned about going and having to admit that no, Liam still wasn't sleeping through the night. And these were crunchy, AP type mamas that I was (remotely and in-absentia) feeling criticized by.

I found you through rivka's journal - our babies are just a few days apart in age, so I've added you as a friend - always interesting to see how other families work!

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Didn't you know, dear, "a mother's place is in the wrong".

/sarcasm

[ailbhe]

Whoops, I'll just pop bakc into it then, shall I? Now, where are my wellies...