Affirmation

[ailbhe]

One of the many reasons I like Rob is that he never, ever introduced his aunt Lena or his friend Caroline to me as Not Working - he always said "Full-time Mum". It didn't occur to him to count this as "not work" or "not real work" or "a cushy option". So I know, every day, that he thinks what I do is important, and useful, and not as easy as it looks to someone who's never done it.

I had someone say to me this weekend that I might have stayed working if I'd ever found "what I wanted to do". It seems that some people find it very hard to believe that this is what I want to do. I want to have and raise children, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in as equal as possible a partnership with my co-parent, givnig them as rich a life as we can manage.

I also, in my spare time (hah! even that is regulated, scheduled, managed and made-the-most-of) like to do this and that to keep my brain alive, but honestly, stimulating and caring for an active, intelligent baby is quite brain-active, though obviously different parts of the brain than "real work".

It's hard when even feminists see traditional women's work as unimportant, low-status, easy, and for-the-stupid.

You're not like that, I know. But some people are. And I still don't want a degree, or any other qualification, unless I enjoy getting it. I don't want to be overqualified for the jobs I enjoy any more than I already am. With any luck, by the time I re-enter the workforce (another ridiculous phrase, based on denigrating my role now, and that of men who do the same thing I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE), people will have stopped telling me that they think I'm great but the job they're hiring for would bore me so they won't let me have it.

It is by far the most stimulating and rewarding work I have ever done, this baby thing. And now that I'm not in pain all the time, it's even better. lniamh's journal is there to tell you so.

Comments

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

Ethan of Athos is one of the best books on that - the point where Ethan just can't grasp the concept of a society that doesn't recognise the true cost of raising a child is just wonderful.

I know you've always wanted to do what you do. I also know that you have the very good luck to be married to a man who recognises that you support him as much as he supports you.

Frankly, I do wonder how people cope when both parents work outside the home - it must be completely exhausting.

[ailbhe]

I read Ethan of Athos again recently, specifically for that line.

Oh - and when both parents work outside the home 40 hours a week, they tend, in my experience of the people we know with babies the same age as Linnea, to both have more energy when they're with the child, because the child never gets boring and very few full-time jobs are as tiring as minding a child alone all day. The parents usually work during the child's most active phase, while it's at nursery.

However, it's lonely and miserable, and most parents - especially mothers - hate it, even if they have to do it for their sanity and not just their finances. and then people say that they are neglecting their children by working at all especially full-time. It's a lose-lose situation, motherhood. Except for the big win :)

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

That's interesting - never occured to me that it would be like that. I've just always wondered how a couple of my siblings manage it - one of them is a full-time mum these days, and the other has a husband who works from home and a nursery just around the corner which means that their child-minding schedule is easier to cope with.

[ailbhe]

It's different for people who have exceptionally tiring or stressful or hateful jobs, but they would usually opt to take a cut in "standard of living" for a higher quality of life, unless they don't like looking after kids.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

What I do now is far more enjoyable & useful than what I did for 15 years (banking)

Most of my friends & family don't think any less of me for not having my own income, apart from the MIL. She thinks I sponge & am taking advantage of her darling boy. Would she prefer us both to work long hours & her young & only grandchildren to be in day nursery 5 days a week?!

Some of my working parent friends think I have an easy life as they compare me during the week to them at weekends. They forget that I am on my own, not with my partner & that the vast majority of my friends are at work, so I can't just pick up the phone for a chat or meet anyone for a cup of tea etc like they & I can at the weekends.

Re: Affirmation

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

*nod*. not only do i consider parenting to be a full-time job, i consider it a very important job. if anything, i am probably slightly prejudiced against people who hold down full-time non-parenting jobs at the same time as they have pre-school children; i think that's often too much, and something will suffer. i prefer the something not be the children.

the only thing that would concern me if i were in your shoes is what i'd do with myself once the kids are all in school -- re-entering the non-parenting workforce would probably be a lot more interesting if one has education and training in something that leads to non-boring jobs. but hey, one can always train for that once the kids start getting more and more independent. the days of only having one career for one's entire life are mostly over anyway.

Re: Affirmation

[ailbhe]

Rob and I are very fortunate to be in a position where we believe our standard of living to be acceptable with only his income. Many people we know believe us "poor".

[toddandpenguin.livejournal.com]

While browsing, I found pictures of your cat, Mustard. So cute, looks EXACTLY like the kitten my wife and I have. He is a terror! Always getting into things. Anyway, just wanted to say hi.

[annburlingham.livejournal.com]

It is by far the most stimulating and rewarding work I have ever done, this baby thing. And now that I'm not in pain all the time, it's even better. lniamh's journal is there to tell you so.

And, having dipped into her journal, I think of you replying unnervingly to someone who has insulted your work with "I'm a full-time mother and a poet. You know, like Sylvia Plath." Fix them with a beady eye and Do Not Smile.

(You don't think being isolated on a farm with a baby is making me the least bit anti-social, do you?)

[ailbhe]

That would be like not smiling when I try to tell Linnea not to do incredibly cute, socially unacceptable things. I'd guffaw. But I'll think it quietly :)

Today, I said "I do this 24/7. It's harder than being a departmental manager, but I like it."