What it's like to have had a traumatic birth and PTSD

[ailbhe]

• I feel guilty for not being well.
• I feel jealous of people whose birth experiences were after mine and not especially traumatic, especially strangers or people I didn't like much to begin with.
• I am afraid to sleep because in the period between getting in to bed and going to sleep I am liable to relive vividly, including recreating physical sensations, aspects of the birth and immediate aftermath.
• I am terrified of my upcoming repair surgery - 21 days - because it will involve a hospital bed, theatre, probably a canula and drip, stirrups, a hospital gown, those weird hospital blankets... all of that. I am also very, very afraid of coming home too sick, as I did last time - I shouldn't have come home from hospital when I did, and if Rob's paternity leave hadn't been about to run out I doubt I would have. They weren't very keen on letting me out and only the fact that my mother and my partner were going to be at home with me convinced them.
• I am in physical pain all the time, to the extent that I am afraid to go to the bathroom because it increases the pain a little.
• I deeply resent being sick for so much of Linnea's tiny baby stage; it was even briefer than most babies, and I missed it.
• I worry that I will alienate or alarm people by talking about it so much, and I resent the implication - which comes from me! - that I should conceal the pain I'm in and the effect it has on me.
• I vacillate between being sorry for Rob and angry with him for not being sick.
• I am grieving for a loss: I will probably never ever go into labour again. I catch myself thinking "Next time..." and have to remind myself that no, there will be no next time for labour - next time, and every time after that, will be a c-section. No playing Scrabble next time, no counting contractions, no waiting for the baby to decide it's ready - a date and another theatre.
• I don't have the energy to cope with other people's upsets at all. I don't have the energy to celebrate with other people either. A perfectly pleasant, low-key, low-energy visit from my sister nearly wiped me out. The fact that other people exist is emotionally exhausting - but I can't neglect them, because I desperately need their support, all of them, to counter the voices in my head.
• The voices in my head are my worst enemy. They say - I should not be sick. It is my fault I am sick. Other people give birth fine. Other people recover from birth fine. Other people don't catch colds. Other people do all the housework and all the cooking and all the babycare and are fine. Other people are tired of me being sick. It's boring to hear about how someone is sick all the time so I should stop talking about it. No-one will ever believe that this could be as traumatic as it is, so I should shut up and deal with it and stop being a wimp. Lots of people are worse off than I am. It can't be that bad if I want more children (someone said this to me, and it has really stuck. I don't really think it's true, but the voices in my head like it). It's not fair to Rob to be so sick, such a wimp; I should get well before he loses his job.
• I am a lot less afraid of my surgery now that I know I have life insurance, so the house will be paid for if I die under anaesthetic. I am afraid I will die.
• Several times a day I have clear snapshots of scenes in which I or Linnea are horribly injured and no-one can possibly help or find out for hours. Many times, Rob has had to go to work not knowing whether I will be well enough to cope all day; last week he had to leave while I was lying on the floor unable to stand up or move much, hoping I would get better and not worse. He put the phone near me so I could call an ambulance if necessary. He can only stay home if he knows I am too sick to cope, since that happens so often that staying home on the "maybe" days would be ridiculous.
• And yet there are days - sometimes several of them in a row - where I can easily walk a few miles pushing the buggy, run errands, cook, do housework, play energetically with the baby, and still have energy left over after she's gone to bed for extras. So I could be well if I just tried. Obviously.

Comments

[random-c.livejournal.com]

The thing that gets me is not being able to quite understand how you can be strong enough to still love Linnea, to not *blame* her. That your desire for kids is so strong that this *doesn't* put you off the idea of doing it again. It boggles me that anyone can want anything so much, and not just because the idea of having kids at all scares me so much. I tend to turn into a gibbering wreck when there's *nothing* wrong, half the time just day to day life seems too much for me and I'm perfectly fit and have no-one else depending on me. I can't think of anyone else I admire as much as you right now.

[ailbhe]

Blaming Linnea only occurred to me once, during labour. I asked the midwife if I was going to hate my baby.

It has never occurred to me since, and when people blame her - for example, by saying it's because she was so large - I get very very angry, in a lioness-cub-protecting way.

So that's probably primal.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

My labour was unpleasant (nowhere near Ailbhe's) & until I read this I had never ever considered blaming Kate. My problems were due to my body not working properly.

My mum "blames" me for her bad stretch marks 36 years later, but I don't blame Kate for my post pregnancy body flops.

[sshi.livejournal.com]

what random said.
plus a big dose of wanting to be able to help somehow and not having a clue how.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

What sshi said.
I really wish there was something I could do to help. All I can think of to say is this: keep writing. Write whatever you need to, as often as you need to. Post it, or email it, I'm always here to listen.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

I wish I could offer you more than this:

Support, for however you need to be right now, for whatever you need to say. And support in telling those voices in your head, "Hush, now, little liars. You're not needed, you're not wanted, so just hush."

I can assure you that for me, at least, reading your LJ right now is no burden, not alienating, nor boring. It's not generating anything but sympathy and good wishes from this quarter.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

I hate those voices. Boy does the housework and the cooking and the shopping and half the babycare. *And* works.

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is probably a silly question, but have you considered seeing a counsellor, or a pshrink or someone like that? From what I can read, at the moment it sounds like you're suffering badly from the psychological aspects of what happened to you, and the anxiety and guilt you're feeling are making it harder for you to recover. I'd also suggest speaking to a doctor or counsellor about post-natal depression - if anyone has a damn good reason for being depressed at the moment, it's yourself.

I'm not going to say anything silly like "don't feel like that", because I know from personal experience that such comments are along the same line of reasonableness as "breathe water". What I will say is what you're feeling is justified - you've got good reasons for feeling rotten. I'm also not going to say "don't be so hard on yourself", because although it is good advice, I know perfectly well (again, from personal experience) it's another of those "breathe water" things.

You have very good reasons for feeling the way you do. You have had a harder time than other people, you have had a traumatic experience, and you do have the right to feel angry, upset, depressed, envious, and indeed to wander through the entire spectrum of negative feelings. You're a human being who has been through a terrible experience, and it has affected you.

I think you're very courageous to be sharing this with people on LiveJournal, and to be trying to live a "normal" life despite what's happened.

[ailbhe]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, not depression, and my first counselling appointment is tomorrow.

I really hope it helps. My psychologist's waiting list is very long.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

"Several times a day I have clear snapshots of scenes in which I or Linnea are horribly injured and no-one can possibly help or find out for hours."

After the birth of my first child, I had a serious problem with this. I ended up cancelling my life insurance policy, because I was having thoughts that the baby would be better off with the money than with me.

The bad days became less bad, the good days got better, and on until the bad day were no more, an evil memory.

[ailbhe]

Mine have eased off a little since we reconfirmed that I am covered by our life insurance policy. But our policy really is minimal. Just the house. Nothing extra.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I have a life insurance policy that would cover Andy taking some time out of work to look after Kate initially & would cover nursery fees / mortgage / main bills / expenses for a couple of years.

We decided that a big cash sum couldn't replace me & worked out how much the above was & I'm covered for that figure.

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the appointment.

It may not help at first. Then again, it may wind up being a massive cathartic tear-fest.

Just as some counter-messaging for the voices that say what you "should" be doing:

* You are genuinely hurting.
* You do have a genuine problem.
* You are not malingering
* You are recovering at your own speed, and only your body knows what this is. The little voices in your head don't have a frickin' clue.

Nobody else knows what is ideally you. They can give you an idea of the normal range of this, that and the other, but they can't make your body comply to that range.

Re: What it's like to have had a traumatic birth and PTSD

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

this voice says that you're courageous and strong -- you're coping with what you went through and you're being a great mother.

bloody asinine inner voices. *sigh*. i empathise. have too damn many of them myself.

i'm hoping the therapy helps, and physical stuff will get better after the surgery, and that there will be many days where you'll have sufficient energy and a little extra.

you are not boring. you're fascinating. don't stop talking.

[grmbledook.livejournal.com]

I know it may sound very improper to say this ... but as I've been gone through LJs this evening I have been listening to a bit of Python ... and just as I came to yours it started with "I'm so worried ..."

But it did make me think about a friend I had in the army who eventually left due to PTSD ... he would sing "I'm so worried" to remind himself that what he had was a real problem and not a figment of his mind, and that he should talk about it, and explain it to people.

People laughed at the song, but when he asked them why nobody could explain why without sounding condescending to people who have these sorts of issues and problems

Just remember that you have a loving man with you and plenty of friends.

[ailbhe]

I sing it, too.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

In the first place: I hear you, and I believe you.

In the second place: All of this makes perfect sense. These are all completely normal and understandable responses to a severe and life-threatening trauma.

If there's something bad and wrong about you for not being well, then you've got an awful lot of bad and wrong company in combat veterans, victims of violent crime, and people who have suffered dreadful accidents. In other words: if you wouldn't blame them, don't blame yourself.

In the third place: I'm glad you're going to be starting counseling. There are treatments for PTSD that are quite effective. You won't have to feel this way always.

One final note: If by some chance you don't seem to be getting any better after a few sessions, or if the relationship doesn't feel right, please don't hesitate to ask to be referred to someone else - preferably someone who specializes in trauma. Lots of people leave therapy convinced that they can't be helped, when in fact it's just a bad fit.

[rmc28]

What this person said, plus lots of wordless feelings of comfort and wanting-to-support.

[niallm.livejournal.com]

Any way we can help, let us know.

[ailbhe]

Actually, knowing Lean had her big baby fine helps a lot - it means it's really not because I had a big baby, even when people tell me it is, so it's NOT her fault and I'm allowed to rip anyone who says it is limb from limb.

Comments help, even if they just say "Still here, don't hate you."

Comments help a lot.

[themagdalen.livejournal.com]

You don't know me at all. I should probably email you. I live in Chicago. Maybe I'll post in my LJ about why I friended you and why I've kept reading your entries.

Invisible struggles like living with physical pain, depression, anxiety, and losses of dreams or plans that were important to you, even if nobody else knows just what is lost-- those things are REAL and take daily work and courage, multiplying the difficulty of everything else you do. It's not your imagination, or your fault, that it's exhausting or frightening-- or that people who don't live in your own body, your heart, and your head, don't seem to have it as hard or to be able to understand really what's so difficult.

What helps is three things, and you're doing them: Write and talk about what it's like to be you, in a space where you have room to do it. Keep on loving what's in front of you and caring for what needs you, and rejoicing in tiny pleasures and small accomplishments. And seek real medical help for the real medical problems, whether they are pain, depression, or trauma, and keep yourself in the list of "what needs your care" and your fierce commitment in this world.

Also, my husband just came home with the season's first box of Clementines. Do you know them? The little tangerines that are only sweet in cold weather, and peel when you touch them? I wonder what's good to eat where you are right now. I have been eating Clementines and wishing you and Linnea joy.

More soon.

[firecat]

I keep trying to come up with something meaningful to say. I can't. But I'm listening.

[submarine-bells.livejournal.com]

I'm still listening hon, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

I know about the voices. I hear 'em too when I'm too sick or tired or vague to study, or I hurt too much to do anything much more than loll around grumbling and whining. I think that all of us with chronic conditions hear them from time to time. The trick is in remembering that the voices are not our friends... they're our fears and anxieties, and the things they whisper in our ears are lies. Your friends and loved ones say things that are much more worthy of attention, such as "it's ok, we're here for you" and "if you need to vent, we're listening" and "we'd rather you were kind to yourself and rested when you needed rest rather than injuring yourself further by pretending to be Martha Stewart".

*long gentle hug* Hang in there, kiddo. It'll start getting better eventually, truly it will.

On the offchance that you haven't come across it yet, do check out ouchygrumpy some time. It's a community that exists for the sole purpose of allowing folk with chronic conditions to whinge and grizzle and vent among others who understand what it's like.

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

I would like to address the voices in your head briefly here.

Ahem. 'scuse me.

Other people give birth fine. Other people recover from birth fine.

The hell they do. Childbirth was the number one cause of death for most of humankind's existence. Childbirth is bloody difficult, traumatic enough at the best of times, and even with modern tech and so on, still sometimes dangerous. Other people go over Niagara Falls in a barrel; that doesn't make your not doing so in any way wrong.

Other people don't catch colds.

An entire train of people barking at each other says that's not true. I'm a great big healthy lump of a man, and I caught every cold and sneeze that came near me last winter.

You voices? Piss off.

[ailbhe]

Thank you for reminding me that what happened was really potentially fatal, and not really a walk in the park. People forget this. See also: Natural dentistry.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

*big big hugs*

And you know where I am if you need either a non-judgemental ear or help evicting the voices.

[marlespo.livejournal.com]

"Other people give birth fine. Other people recover from birth fine. "

And yet millions of women don't. They just don't speak up. You are brave for talking the way you do, it takes a lot of guts. Wishing you warmest fuzzies for your hospital stay. And listening... listening...

[ailbhe]

Have given contact info to UK's Birth Trauma organisation in case of possible media contact.

[marlespo.livejournal.com]

(((hug)))
You are awesome for doing that.

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

I'm listenning.

I have had PTSD.

:::well wishes:::

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

I'm listening. And I wish there was more I could do to help.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere.

After reading all these responses, I feel like "what they said" is inadeqate, and yet words fail me. I know what postpartum depression feels like, but post-birth PTSD is not in my realm of experience, and all I can say is I'm in awe of how well you're handling this.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Don't ever feel guilty & I'm happy to listen / read how you feel at any time.

I have terrible thoughts / dreams of something happening to me & Kate being home alone until Andy gets in from work & how distressed she would be. I get upset thinking about Kate growing up without me if I die. I get upset thinking about something terrible happening to Kate & how could I go on with my life.

I had no idea that my upcoming birth would upset you & please un-friend me if that helps. I don't want to cause you any more upset than you have all ready.

I'll be making friends only posts initially & won't post up my birth story as I never did with Kate as I didn't want to share it with people who hardly know me.

I cannot even begin to imagine what your labour was like, but I know how long it took me to able to want another child (2 years) as my labour put me off.

I had terrible nightmares when I was initially pregnant & was too scared to sleep some nights.

[ailbhe]

Your birth won't upset me. But I will be jealous of you and probably unable to congratulate you for a bit. But I also think that it would be bad for me to deny that other people have perfectly ok birth experiences and aren't left with massive physical trauma.

So I'd like to know when it happens, but I may not be able to congratulate. It's hard to know how I'll feel ahead of time.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Am glad we can be honest with each other.

I hadn't even considered how you might be feeling reading my posts & seeing me mentioning contractions in irc. I've just been focused on myself.

I was unfairly accused of wording a post a couple of months ago about my impaired GTT test just to upset someone else, & their problems hadn't even entered my head. I was just thinking about my own feelings & how the raised blood sugars affected me.

I love reading your wonderful poems about Linnea & think you should publish them. I'd buy them :)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

If you wind up deciding you would rather not read anything more about my pregnancy and hypothetical future birth, I will completely understand.

[ailbhe]

No, I like to read it. But I hope you will understand if I'm not able to *respond positively*. I hope I will never respond negatively - I don't think I have so far. I don't think I've wanted to. I'm so far very pleased about it.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

No, you have certainly never, ever responded negatively. If you ever did, I would take it with a PTSD-sized grain of salt and would not hold it against you.

And yes, of course I'll understand if you can't respond positively.

I love reading about your wonderful baby, by the way.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

So I could be well if I just tried. Obviously.

Yes, this is a good one. Just in case you might derive any hope or relief from a good day, the demons scramble about to cast it in a bad light. Know this one well.

Fetch inflatable mallet. Belabour self rhythmically therewith, while chanting, "One. Day. At. A. Time." (The mallet can be figurative, if you prefer.)

Anyway, I'm still here, not bored, echoing what niallm said, and sending you good vibes. Usually several days late.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I worry that I will alienate or alarm people by talking about it so much

I read your journal. I'm childfree. I don't much care for babies. But I still delight in your stories about yours.

I know that wasn't exactly what you were getting at, but it seemed like a good place to say it.

Other people give birth fine. Other people recover from birth fine.

I agree with all the other people here. Lots of other women have problems but don't talk about them, because they're too afraid to, because they think no one else has had problems. It becomes a vicious cycle, which helps no one. Saying what you're saying is going to be helpful to anyone else who has a traumatic experience giving birth - and unfortunately, there will be some.

Geek Answer Syndrome suggestions (usual caveat applies):
And yet there are days - sometimes several of them in a row - where I can easily walk a few miles pushing the buggy, run errands, cook, do housework, play energetically with the baby, and still have energy left over after she's gone to bed for extras. So I could be well if I just tried.

I'm reminded of what rivka's doctor said when she was a kid. Something along the lines of "You only have so many years of wear on that hip, so make sure you use it for dancing". I wish someone had said that to me before I spent so much time using my body to do chores which anyone could have done and being too tired to have fun :/

All chronic illnesses have ups and downs - the thing to do is to notice whether you're having a good or bad day and adjust accordingly. Malingering is one of these things that people accuse you/us of, but I tend to think that anyone who regularly pushes themselves beyond physical limits and ends up suffering for it can't possibly be a malingerer. As for the things you are supposed to be doing: yes, there are things that you "should" do because they are supposedly your responsibility, but take the long-term view: is it going to aid your long-term recovery if you push yourself too hard now? You have the rest of your life to do the damned dishes and load up the washing machine. Maybe you could write out an IOU for every time someone helps you, and then pay them back after you're better?!

In the long run, I suspect that what would drive everyone around you batty would be if you try so hard to be independent that you make your physical distress go on for months or years. (I know that a lot of internal/gynae injuries can easily be aggravated - iirc a relatively low number of muscles are involved, so that if one gets damaged it affects everything). For your loved ones, enduring a few months of "incapable", "whining" Ailbhe has to be better than many years, right? ;)

Many times, Rob has had to go to work not knowing whether I will be well enough to cope all day; last week he had to leave while I was lying on the floor unable to stand up or move much, hoping I would get better and not worse. He put the phone near me so I could call an ambulance if necessary.

Could you rent one of those emergency call buttons that some old people have? The type you wear around your neck, so that if you have a fall (or whatever) you just have to press a button to get help, and it doesn't matter if you're too ill even to speak? I'm suggesting renting because hopefully in a few months you won't need it anymore.

[azaz-al.livejournal.com]

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. but you are the only person I have ever seen who talks about having PTSD related to giving birth. This description fits my experiences very well and people seem to think I am craxy. I suspect it is more common than people know. Do you know of any links online that talk about this? I gather you are in the UK so I don't think the local place you go to would be helpful to me... but I could be off base here...

[ailbhe]

I find that the Difficult Birth Debriefing Board at http://www.babycentre.co.uk/bbs/559528/index.html very helpful. I don't know of any USA resources.

It is a generally under-diagnosed and under-recognised problem. If it helps, I am getting a lot better, so you likely will too.

Also, the Birth Trauma Association, recently founded in the UK, have a website at http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/ which might be helpful.

Good luck.

A.

[azaz-al.livejournal.com]

I feel particularly pathetic because my kid will be 9 years old soon. I should just get over it, right? I dunno... isn't happening. but thanks for the links!

[ailbhe]

While I was in hospital I met a woman whose only daughter was 23 and who still hadn't gotten over it - at least partially because "birth is a natural process". Her marriage was destroyed too as she was too afraid of another pregnancy to ever have sex again. She couldn't visit her daughter in hospital to see her grandchildren after they were born, either.

"Just getting over it" is for stubbing your toe. This is different.