How it coudl be worse, and why that is totally irrelevant

[ailbhe]

Linnea could have been sick.

We could both have died.

I could have had a fourth degree tear, which would be so much worse I'd have had my repair surgery by now, but it probably wouldn't have worked.

We could be living somewhere without a postnatal PTSD clinic, so I could be getting treatment for postnatal depression instead of what's really wrong with me.

Rob could have gotten tired of living with a sick woman and a hard-work baby and left us.

My legs could have gone green and runny and fallen off, the world could have been hit by strange flying dinosaurs, and an asteroid could have eaten my mother.

None of this has happened to me. And you know what? Knowing that doesn't make any of the pain go away, and it doesn't stop the nightmares, and it doesn't stop the flashbacks and the panic attacks.

And the next person who tells me how hard all this is for Rob will get punched on the nose - poink - just like that. Yes, it's hard for him. I know. I can't make it any less hard for him because I'm minimising all I can right now. I feel quite guilty enough at being an emotional burden on him, putting him through the horror of having to observe my agonies and so on, and I don't need any help with that.

I've been wanting to say this for weeks. I suppose it needed to wait until I could do it without crying.

Comments

[liadnan]

Hang on in there sweetheart. Best wishes to all three of you.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

oh, dear one, just know that there are folks who care, and who wish you well.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

[rosefox]

I'm really glad you've found a way to say what you needed to.

[clanwilliam.livejournal.com]

*HUG* as well.

[gmh.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's hard for Rob.

Do you think for a second that that makes a blind bit of difference?

Of course not. If it did, you wouldn't be married, and you wouldn't be married to Rob. Rob isn't a fool, and - given past history - isn't an emotional naif, and took on the rough with the smooth knowingly when he married you. And Rob is certainly mature enough to let you know of problems he has.

Life is tough. You both know this.

Life also has any amount of Unexpected Shit cropping up; you know this as well as any of us.

It also has unforseen bonuses. I don't think I've ever seen a baby as precocious, engaging and outgoing as Linnea. In her case, hard work is definitely synonymous with challenging - and (I hope) rewarding.

How do I say this without sounding trite? - Rob loves you, and cares for you. The rest is, to a large extent, not massively relevant.

He'll let you know of anything he has problems with; just as you'll do the same for him.

best wishes,

Gideon.

[livi-short.livejournal.com]

I tried to think of a reply, but no words i could use would express themself as well as what Gideon has just written.

You (and Linnea) are loved and cherished.

You and Jenny are very lucky women.

[ailbhe]

Oh, definitely challenging and rewarding! I almost said difficult originally, then remembered that that has almost exclusively negative connotations.

[random-c.livejournal.com]

Please feel free to ignore me cause I'm drunk.
It wasn't Rob who had his insides turned into jelly in order to bring a life into this world. You've done something I'm too terrified to contemplate ever doing even if it went *well*. My brain ups and runs away just at the thought of what you did and I don't even know the half of it.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

it could in fact be worse. you're right, that doesn't matter. i'm sorry that things are as sucky as they are. i think you're doing a really good job of handling things, and i am very proud for you.

[glitzfrau.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I'm not sure what else to say, other than that I am constantly amazed by your strength.

[ailbhe]

My biceps are incredible. I never knew having a ten ton baab would be such a workout. My abs are to die for, except for being covered in a layer of pregnancy podge - but under there, they're rock 'ard. My bum is smaller than pre-pregnancy too, which I assume is due to buggy-pushing.

It's a total workout!

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I feel like screaming when I get told the same kind of thing when I was throwing up twice a day & feeling nauseous 24/7. You could have hyperemisis & feel like that for 9 months. Who cares?! I felt terrible for several months.

I have a demanding, precocious child which makes my life that little bit more hectic, but I'm a full time mother, so it's my job to play with her & teach her new things each day. I'd rather have an intelligent child than a dull child.

Exactly.

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

This is akin to someone saying, "yeah, that happened to me".

All it says is that they got through it. You still have to deal with it here and now, and it isn't easy in any way. You strike me as pretty tough, nad from all I've read about & heard about Rob, he's gonna stick regardless of how hard it is on him.
I do think you'll get through it - I hope sooner than otherwise. And while I can't actually give you one in person (not having teleportaion in the 21 century is quite vexing to me), a virtual *hug* is better than nothin'.
*hug*
Just remember to watch the skies for dinosaurs and asteroids - just in case.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

*big big fierce hugs*

[rivka.livejournal.com]

"Think of how much worse it could've been" is an enormously helpful question for everyone except the person it was directed to. People say it because your pain is too much for them to take, and so they want you to retract some of it.

Hell with them.

I'm sure it is hard on Rob, but the help and sympathy he needs should not be subtracted from the help and sympathy you get. Your needs, his needs, and Linnea's needs are additive. It's not a zero-sum model.

I'm glad you said this. I am listening respectfully.

[ailbhe]

Well, I do tell people who seem very horrified by my current state how it could be worse, so that they stop treating me like a scientific curiosity.

And I think it's important that you, of all people, know that even with all the pain and boredom and grief, it's the most fantastic thing I have ever done. The most rewarding. The most satisfying. The most enjoyable. The most joyful. The most love-ful. The most beautiful. The most covered in mashed potato.

A.

[feetnotes.livejournal.com]

i will never cease to be amazed by how much baby one freddo's worth of chocolate will cover.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Oh.

Belated hugs!

(I typed "bleated" first. You can have bleated hugs too, if you like.)