Different gift-giving protocols

[ailbhe]

Last night we played Catan and I had another go at explaining to someone who grew up with one form of gift-buying the value I see in another form. This is difficult. Oh, and I drank almost enough port to make myself sleep butnot quite so I just made myself hyper. It's been a stressful week.

This person grew up with zir family members explicitly stating what they wanted for birthdays, Christmas, etc. I can see the attraction - you never get a gift you don't want, and you never need to think about what to buy for someone. All you have to do is find the appropriate shop and hand over money. I grew up with having to put myself in the other person's shoes, think hard about the kinds of things they liked (remembering not to get them something I liked "because it was nice", but only "because they would like it"), and finally decide on something within my budget which they did not already own. Then all I had to do was find the appropriate shop and hand over money.

I find the latter kind of gift much pleasanter to receive, and it's hard to get them for someone without the early training in thinking about what other people really like and so on.

Wishlist-givers, IME, tend to think that the latter kind of gift-giver runs an unforgivable risk of getting something unwanted. I prefer to get something I don't want but can see has had effort put into it than handing over a shopping list - if you don't choose the gift yourself, why not just give me cash? Lists are for when you invite people who don't know you intimately to your wedding.

Must make wedding list. Similar to shopping list, but free.

Comments

[jemstone.livejournal.com]

shadopanther's family are big Listers. I am not. I still give them a list, because, until just this past holiday season, they never once stuck to it or got anything from it. They've got this weird dichotomy going on. "Give us a list!" "Okay!" "Here is your gift!" "But this is nothing from my list!" "We know!"

Very odd.

But, that is my roundabout way of saying that I know precisely where you're coming from. :)

-JEM

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

Guh. I hate wish lists. They seem very crass to me. I don't think of wish-listers as crass people -- it just seems like a strange aberration in otherwise generally nice behavior.

Ha:

http://whatexit.org/tal/data/manners-gifts.txt

So there.

[lovingboth]

I'm not a big lister, partly because I don't really have a big list of things that you can walk into a shop and say 'give me this'.

But I don't give presents in a field that the recipient knows a lot about unless they've specifically asked for something.

[redbird]

In my opinion (and this is just my opinion, and not one I've thought through all that thoroughly), there's a difference between "something for the yard would be nice" or "I could use a new sweater" and "I want [this exact item]."

Ponies are an exception, but few people are prepared (financially or otherwise) to actually present a loved one with a live pony.

Wedding lists are their own kind of weirdness, for two reasons. First, the guest list is likely to involve relatives you don't see very often, but who would take voluble and lasting offense if not invited, but friends of one's parents, to say nothing of relatives you don't see very often and adore, but who don't know what you'd like (and who you can never think of gifts for either, because they seem to already have everything they want). Second, the wedding gift tradition is big on furnishings and other necessities for a presumptive new household--and the wedding registry is partly to avoid winding up with eight chafing dishes, six food processors, and nothing else to cook with, or seven exquisite curtains, all of which clash with each other. If you have seven sweaters that don't match, it's okay because you don't expect to wear them together--a house wears most if not all of its clothes at the same time.

[alais.livejournal.com]

I tend to let Nic know what I'd like at Christmas, because I know from long experience that his family will come to him and ask him what to buy, and unless he can give them an answer I will receive a no-thought "nice" present - I've never seen *any* evidence of them attempting to cater to my tastes. On the other hand, I only *buy* from lists for weddings or where I know that somebody collects something and wish to avoid repeats - I much prefer to try to find a surprise that people will enjoy.

[artela.livejournal.com]

Both our families seem to operate on the "don't ask the person directly what they would like, but collaborate with other family members to find out what they would like" - sort of a half-way house

[ailbhe]

there's a difference between "something for the yard would be nice" or "I could use a new sweater" and "I want [this exact item]."

Oh, yes, undoubtedly. "I want [item]" is the kind of thing I mean. I don't feel as though I've received a gift if I've asked for a specific thing and received it...

And wedding lists make a great deal of sense to me, though I'm quite keen on no wedding gifts at all.

[ailbhe]

Rob's whole family are wishlisters and can't do it any other way, as far as I can see. This means that I maintain a constant wishlist and Rob tells them when they ask, so I don't feel as though I have asked for and received something specific. It's not perfect, but it worked well at Christmas - I got something I had forgotten was on my wislist.

A.

[livi-short.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean as Jaz's family are like that. I get asked in summer what the girls and myself would like and i have great difficulty naming anything for any of us. I give a general hint on what i plan to do for the girls, this year they both requested cool furniture for their bedrooms, but i prefer to get a box that i have no idea what is inside. I freely admit if the box is purchase before christmas i may beg, plead, flutter eyelashes and root around to find the box, i admit i never grew up in that sense, but its wierd if you know what it is going to be.

Also i try to do what you do, i spent every dinner hour for a week going in andout of shops in an exclusive shopping area in Manchester (don't laugh there is one) i found a lot of things i think Jaz's sister would love, tops in Monsoon (we had a big budget for her as its her birthday on the 29th) fantastic shoes (she collects shoes, 50 odd pairs) a gorgous scarf in Giorgio Armani etc etc etc... but i was out voted by the family and she got a pamper set from body shop as requested and money to buy herself something. To which i am very disapointed :( oh well i think i need to have the conversation about different buying styles so that next year goes smoother. Although this year i cheated, they got as requested the gifts on lists, but i bought little glass animals from a german market and did a full "Blue Peter" and created home made purple tissue paper and silver ribboned crackers (with bangers inside). They went down very well and i tried to match the animals to what i thought people would like.

Also Jaz has learnt, i bought him totally suprising presents, a seat massage/heat pad for the car from gadgetdotcom (he adores it and it is doing wonders for his back). A new leather wallet to replace the Peter Rabbit wallet the girls bought him three years ago. a miniture "Yen Garden" and a book on genetics. All were a total suprise and he loves them all, and i think they show that i am at last getting to know him. In return he spent way to much and bought me a set of Baltic amber jewelry, Matching braclet and a gorgeous pendant in green, yellow and amber coloured amber. Total suprise and looks wonderful with my colouring. I had never told him i loved amber but he guessed from my comments about a friends earrings :-) so he is learning to know me too.

[liadnan]

I always work on the principle that the ideal present is something both you and the recipient want, because that way it speaks to a connection between you. Not always possible, but a good ideal, I think.