Tantrums

[ailbhe]

My experience of tantrums is that they mean the child is upset. Sometimes they don't know why, by the time they reach a tantrum - I have just remembered the bit in The Bone People where Simon has tried and tried and tried and tried to get people to understand what he needs to say about his recent trauma, and eventually flips out and smashes things in an effort to communicate his desperation.

It doesn't work.

But tantrums are like that. Babies - and children - and, come to think of it, some adults - reach a point of communication failure where they can't express themselves moderately any more. They want something and it's not fair, on that deep Peter Pan level of unfairness, that they can't have it. The phrase we use in this house is "The Universe is wrong."

I have never seen a child put themselves into a tantrum deliberately as a manipulative tactic. Tantrums are no fun to watch, but it's abundantly obvious to me that they are far less fun to be inside of.

Ignoring tantrums mainly works to stop the adult's temper fraying irretrievably. It doesn't solve the child's problem. It doesn't prevent future tantrums; some children don't have many, and a very few pretend to have one in case it works, but the difference is obvious - a child in control of themselves isn't having a tantrum.

I used to give Linnea words - one chant was "I hate Mammy, I hate Daddy, I hate everything unhappy," which worked well. So far, Emer responds more easily than Linnea did, to cuddles or sympathetic noises. Disagreeing with them has never worked; if it's not fair, it's not, and if it's nasty, it is, and that's that.

Losing my temper doesn't help either. I put myself in time out far more than either of them.

But they don't do it much; I might feel differently if they did.

(I'd love to know why they are so very naughty when I am hungry and have PMS though. That's cunning.)

Comments

[megabitch.livejournal.com]

I have seen children use tantrums as a deliberate tactic to get what they want. It is almost _always_ in public. I have seen children quite deliberately work themselves into a state of screaming that is almost awe-inspiring - how to tell if it is deliberate? How fast do they calm down/stop screaming and start smiling if they are handed what they want? Children can learn quite young exactly how to manipulate the adults around them. Why do you think I insisted that people _stop_ telling D how "cute" he was? He was deliberately using it to get what he wanted _and_ to get out of trouble or convince people that he couldn't possibly have done something wrong.

We have a saying that has been used ever since K & D were quite young. "Fair is a four letter word that is not used in this family." Because "it's not fair" is not an acceptable complaint or excuse/reason for any behaviour.

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

[Second go, deleted to edit]

I have seen it too, and always in cases where the adult with them ignores everything they say and do until they start screaming - though there may be a bias that I have already got irritated with seeing a quite cheerful and interested child talking to a brick wall, and so am already paying attention when the tantrum starts, so the 'always' might be inaccurate. I suspect that once they start screaming, the frustration of everything good they do being ignored kicks in and makes it genuine anger.

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

The brain science says they can't control tantrums until they are 5 years old. Sure, they can learn to keep going in the distress, and trigger one, a bit before that, but once they are in it, they don't have the bit of brain to calm it down, until about 5, when that bit of brain, grows in fully and starts functioning.

Sunderland refers to the two types as 'distress' tantrums, and Little Nero ones. Little Neros should be completely ignored. But not 'till they are 5, of course.

The Sunderland stuff is pretty awesome on tantrums. Hormone storms, really, triggering an avalanche of brain chemicals and distress hormones throughout their system.

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

Sorry, wasn't replying to you! Was making a post and hit the wrong one.. my excuse is I have swine flu....

[moonborn.livejournal.com]

The Tyrant seems to magically know when I am particularly PMSy or feeling unwell either mentally or physically these days, and become very clingy and/or demanding.
My experiences with this, my younger siblings and my own burgeoning self-awareness during my tweens and teens was that children tend to pick up on Mummy's state of being and try to find a way to let that tension out.

It seemed far more okay when I was not having to be the adult in the situation, trying to control myself whilst wanting to scream or crawl back into bed (or to the toilet).

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

My kids are brilliant at knowing when I am tense or miserable or angry or whatever, and always, always play up at that point. My conjecture is that they are nervous around this unpredictable version of me, and are testing to see if it will let them down. I think if/ when I do, that's when they'll learn damaged/ appeasing behaviour around my bad times.

Sam has tantrums when he's tired or under the weather. Sadly, since he's such a dysfunctional sleeper, he's tired most afternoons. Naomi has tantrums not-very-often, but usually when she has low blood sugar. Figuring that out was very helpful. She gets grumpy, I offer her a fruit bar, everything evens out. Usually.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

I'll never forget her trembling on the edge of a meltdown at stellanova's wedding. She was trying SO HARD, and her eyes were just getting bigger and bigger until there were finally raisins to eat!

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

I has a suspicion about the when you are hungry times.

[ailbhe]

I has a modest proposal. (I also just took the citizenship test online and failed failed failed!)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

i love the way you treat your kids. seriously.