Not twitter

[ailbhe]

I started to say this on Twitter but had to stop.

There are things I want to do daily. But I need longer days.

I mean, things I want to do daily on top of minimal housework, childcare, cooking, etc.

In my head, I should be able to...

Get up, tidy my room a bit, get dressed, do ten minutes' yoga, put the mat away, make breakfast and feed everyone, clear up, get everyone else dressed, and be ready to leave the house by nine o'clock.

If I'm not leaving the house, I should be able to do the laundry and dishwasher, read a book or two to the children, set up whatever activity they want - craft or science or whatever - and still have time for a cup of tea and a sit-down before lunch at noon.

Clearing up after lunch should be done by 1pm.

This leaves the afternoon for more housework and laundry, gardening, visiting or being visited, outings, more activities, and another cup of tea and a sit down before dinner at about 6:30pm.

Clearing up after dinner should be done by 7:30pm so we can get the children to bed. That means that from 8:30 or 9pm I should be free to blog, paint, et cetera.

THIS IS NOT REAL. Why do I have this schedule in my head? This is not what my life is like.

Comments

[sfred]

That's not what anyone's life is like, is it? It's not what my life is like, and I've only got my self to look after.

[rmc28]

I'm beginning to think that "I should" is one of the most self-destructive phrases I can say at the moment. So much scope for disappointing myself.

Not that I am succeeding in ridding myself of the shoulds, but at least I'm getting better at spotting them.

[aquaeri]

Yeah, I think that's a 48 hour day. Maybe do half of it daily? ;-)

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

I'm sure a lobotomy would help you here, and not having any children.

I have this voice in my head all the time. It's my bio Mum. Everything I do, or don't do, every moment in the house, and sometimes outside, I hear her voice telling me I've failed the standard: I SHOULD have done all this... by now, and then be doing this.

It's quite hard. But I am learning to ignore it. :-) It helps knowing it's her voice, not mine.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

I have the same thing. I think I should be doing SO MUCH MORE and I feel like I'm barely hanging together by a thread as it is. I think to myself that I must be a loser - that everyone else seems to have their shit together, why don't I? There are women with FULL TIME JOBS and CHILDREN (MULTIPLES) and CLEAN HOUSES and I can barely keep up with my 1 child, barely working and my house is a WRECK.

I dunno. At least you aren't alone?

N.

[taimatsu]

It would probably work relatively well if you lived with a family of programmable robots, rather than live people. But I don't think anyone's family life really works on a definite schedule like this unless the other people involved have been seriously intimidated into conforming with the organising-person's preferences. (Not suggesting it's wrong to want things to run smoothly and leave you time for the things you mention - just that actually getting there is, yes, not very realistic.)

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I would like to know the answer to this, too.

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

There is no Supermom in my experience. Do what you can and forgive yourself for the rest. My children are grown and gone and I still don't have it together. There are too many other interesting things to do with my time and cleaning results are too fleeting to provide much satisfaction. Enjoy the time with your children, it is too soon over.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

This is wisdom. All of it.

[nitoda]

Seconded.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

Yeah, with me those voices come from my parents, too. Except, as I recently realised, my parents themselves didn't do all the things at the same time that the voices insist I should be able to do. Yes, my mother kept an immaculate house - from 1973 to 1979, when she wasn't working outside. Yes, she had an amazing career after that - but the house wasn't quite so immaculate any more, and also she made herself quite ill with the stress. And the creative stuff and the reading of Serious Books: that was my father. My mother mainly read trashy romance novels, watched soaps and spent most Saturday afternoons asleep on the sofa recovering from the previous week. But in my head, they've been transformed into a Composite of Awesomeness, able to save the world before breakfast while whipping up a perfect casserole with one hand and writing the next Booker Prizewinner with the other, and demanding to know why I can't manage all of those things too.

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

My bio Mum was immaculate, in all senses, as she hadn't given birth to me, in her version of events. OCD on housework, appearance and general social interaction and conformity.

No real friends, husband who always felt excluded as she was off saving the family from disasters and makign everyone knew she was theone doing the sacrificing.

Her biggest attack zone was my shape, and food. I was put on my first diet at 9 years old, and she spent years berating me for not having the self-control to lose weight.

As opposed to her always giving up cigarettes. Strangely, she gave them up a lot, and is still a chain smoker in her 70s.

I once said she didn't understand how hard it ws not to eat, and she smoked! She said smoking was a drug, and food wasn't. It was years before it occurred to me that no matter what, you HAVE to eat. And you don't have to smoke.

Also, one of her most stunning illogics, is that smoking did not affect her appearance. people could see I was fat. But her smoking made no difference to her general appearance and standards of turned out-ness. Yes, this is a woman who genuinely believes she does not smell of cigarette smoke, as she is a clean and tidy person who washes and changes clothes every day. Those 40 fags a day just never touch her hair, skin of clothing.

Clearly, logic and rational thinking not high on the agenda... and her house is still perfect, and her garden still immaculate. And she still has no friends, no comfort, and no down time. Just stays up all night, smoking, as she can't sleep.

Which is my fault, clearly. ;-)

[rmc28]

OMG you just helped me understand where my self-expectations are coming from. The Composite of Awesome! Thank you.

(I've just started trying to come at things from the other end - start by looking at what I really actually do with my time, and only then start thinking about what I might wish to change.)

[cherade9.livejournal.com]

I agree completely. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

[rachel cotton (from livejournal.com)]

Thanks for posting this. Although at first I read it as a reasonable of things to do in a week, when one had one's other half or other adult(s) available too.

Loved the composite of awesomness - that is hitting hard here too.

Much love to all with this conundrum.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I hear you. My mother put me on a diet at 9 as well, and here I am, still de-programming myself in my 40s.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it was a helpful phrase - and that sounds like a really good approach.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it!

[ailbhe]

I've had women tell me *I* seem to be that woman, at the breastfeeding group - "How do you cope so well? I can't manage with one and you do SO MUCH with two!"

I burst into tears, once.

[ailbhe]

It would involve ME being a programmable robot too!

[ailbhe]

OMG yes, it's that! it's the composite of awesome! Not composed of my parents, but of, um, all my role models, ever, I think.

NO WONDER I R FAIL.

Thank you!

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

Wow, that phrase seems to be striking a chord with a lot of people. You're welcome!