Sickness, Poems, Art and Sleep

Linnea soaked her night nappy and had another wet one before noon. She also hasn't had any bouts of serious sickness. However, this is because she nursed all night and cried whenever I tried to leave her side. So I didn't sleep much until she got up at nine. I am so, so glad I could breastfeed her through this illness. Really, extremely, extraordinarily glad.

My book arrived today! It's lovely! I've corrected the typo that appears in my copy, and the pictures are a little bit fuzzy, but that's ok - the idea is there, anyway. I might look for some better image management software than Word on Rob's laptop but I'd have to learn how to use it, you see. It looks quite nice. It's odd to see my poems printed out. I'm considering giving the book to people for Christmas - is that a horribly boastful thing to do?

It took a month from despatch to arrival, posted in the US. And I worked out that buying two copies seperately costs the same as buying four copies all at once, once you take postage into account. I must do something about getting numbers of books to the UK and posting them from here. But I'm not spending any money on it until it's generated its own money. It has to be at least a self-financing project, if not profitable.

I'm not quite as sick as I was yesterday; I can drink tea without feeling sloshy and queasy, which is nice. I can eat toast without any bad feeling at all. So I'm going to have a bath, wash my hair, and get dressed.

Then I'm going to see about doing some art. I keep wanting to and never seem to get around to it. But I'm much too ill to do heavy housework, so I might as well paint.

The back of Linnea's knitted coat is almost finished. I think I have another 16 rows or so of ribbing to do. I will think harder next time I am tempted to start a project on 2.75mm needles. I could have sworn they were 3mm but the needles state otherwise.

The new sleep plan is working. Rob sleeps in the spare room where he can't hear Linnea, and I only wake when she calls Meemee (my name), so she now only wakes twice a night, except last night which doesn't count, and we all sleep a lot more. Loads of toddlers wake twice a night and need a pat or a cuddle, so we're happy with this.

I need to work out what to do for Halloween and my birthday, which are almost immediately I return from Ireland. I will have some kind of food-based gathering here, I think, with cake and jelly and ice-cream and things, because Linnea will also be 18 months old, which I feel like marking. We've come a long way.

A long, long way. And she's walked half of it.

Stay at home mothering

Division of labour: Rob: Earn money in 9-5:30 job plus 9 hours commuting a week, bath Linnea, take her to park 1 hour a day, cook dinner sometimes 3 nights a week, wash dirty pots, launder nappies every 2nd day or so, make three packed lunches every evening, feed cats twice daily, clean toilet daily, mix porridge ready for the morning every evening.

Ailbhe: Manage all finances in and out, care for Linnea 22 hours a day (of which she spends on average 11 asleep, though not continuously), cook dinner 4-5 nights a week, make all childcare-related decisions, all household laundry for three people (at least one load daily), grocery shopping, meal planning + budgeting, hoovering, dishes-washing (except pots), making beds, mopping up spillages, washing floors, dusting (I have a dust allergy), arrange for Linnea to see paternal relations, arrange for Linnea to see maternal relations, arrange for Rob to be respectable enough not to invite ire from paternal relations, arrange for Rob to contact his friends (I have given up on this, so if Rob hasn't contacted you, it's my fault), arrange for me to contact my friends (I do this but less than I'd like), arrange any family holidays (usually to see relations) including packing for three, booking transport for three, and either arranging or reminding Rob to arrange accommodation for three (depending on whose relations) AND do anything Rob has forgotten or neglected or been too tired to do.

And today, when I asked why he'd stayed home to help and done almost nothing, he said "But I've been working really hard!"

Can anyone give me three reasons not to kill him at this point?

Plan of Action

OK, we have a damage limitation plan:

I stop doing things just for Rob's benefit. I stop saying "we slept in" when he slept in and made us late, I stop saying "we forgot to pay..." when he promised he'd do it and forgot, I stop buying his family presents and not mentioning that he had even forgotten the birthday was soon, I stop reminding him to call his parents, I stop doing his laundry, I stop all the little not-quite-lies I tell to make him look good. I used to do it from some kind of loyalty, from wanting to support him in public, that sort of thing.

I stop nodding and smiling when his mother tells me I should make him dress better or cut his hair. I don't defend his poor personal hygiene to her when she criticises it. I respond not with "I'll try to make him," or "It's his decision - he's an adult," because that doesn't have any effect. Instead, I'll say "He wasn't raised to do these things." Because he clearly wasn't. If he had been, he'd be doing them. Are they important? I have no idea. That's not relevant. They certainly didn't stop me marrying him.

I stop deferring to his judgement when I'm pretty sure he's wrong to "save his feelings" or to "avoid undermining him".

And I bet you that in about ten days I'll have stopped resenting him. And that has got to be good.

(Yes, I have discussed all this with Rob already. I don't wash our dirty laundry in public until it's been washed privately.)

(And yes, I know he's depressed - but I have been living with depression for about 10 months now and PTSD for 7 months longer than that. I can't make allowances for his depression; I have to survive my own.)