A Day In The Life

Baby wakes up with wet nappy, vest, pyjamas, sleeping bag, and sheet.

Mother and baby have gloriously amusing morning anyway.

Augh! Panic Panic! There are PEOPLE coming! I have foolishly agreed to host the NCT Bumps and Babies coffee group this week. However, I'm sure only about 4 people will show up, tops. Or maybe no-one. No, Katie said she would, so she will. That's ok. I'm not a social reject. I'm not I'm not I'm not. Need to clean house with toothpick as soon as baby's lunch is finished.

Reject toothpick, fix worst excesses of parenthood related hygiene (similar to teenage boy hygiene but with scrupulously clean hands), and dance with the baby to Dolly Parton instead.

Panic that my house is smaller than anyone else's and I'm not sophisticated enough for anything as middle class as the NCT. Put percolator of Swedish coffee on the cooker to make up for it. Somewhat desperately arrange individually wrapped fruit teabags in a bowl on the table. Change huge, pooey nappy (very relieved: could have happened while PEOPLE were here) and walk back into dining room. Go weak at the knees with the shock - it looks pleasant and fairly spacious.

Admire daffodils bought for 38p a bunch at LIDL. Shout down voices in head yelling about imported force-grown slave-labour bulb-plant industry.

Phonecall! Too busy. Baby in one hand, laundry in the other. Speakerphone. Someone's coming. Oh good! Social success! I expect TWO people!

7 people with babies arrive in my house. 4 of them have enormous buggies, 2 of them have small buggies like mine, and one has no buggy at all. I decide to marry her there and then but don't mention it in case she finds it awkward.

My beautifully clear house isn't possible to admire as it's full of buggies and mother with babies. It seems to be gong well - it's certainly very very noisy. The lovely dining room with many chairs is full of buggies as the big buggies won't fit in the library with very few chairs. People sit on the floor.

They leave. It's deathly quiet.

Wow! It's possible to remove a nappy from underneath a vest (onesie for North Americans) without unsnapping the snap fasteners!

While it's wet!

While it's still in the process of BEING wet!

Pick up baby, phone Daddy in mad giggling fit to explain that the laws of Baby Physics need to be rewritten for Li'l Miss Houdini, apply new nappy, change own shirt, find all the soggy bits of stuff and hide them, wash hands again.

Dinner, bath, Daddy comes home, shift-change.

I arranged a social event at my house for me with no-one coming just to see Rob and people came! And they weren't even really my friends!