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ailbheThe high point of my day was standing in Hyde Park crying, watching Linnea and Emer run through the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. It was cold, and they kept it up for almost 45 minutes.
Astrid was warm and asleep on my back.
I remember looking at the people around, wondering what they thought, and saying to myself, "This, this is what failure looks like - if anyone speaks to me that is what I'll tell them."
No-one did.
Today didn't go well. When Rob got up a little after six, Linnea was already up. I'd last seen her shortly before 11pm. I got up a while later and packed the bag - blanket, nappies, spare trousers for the big girls and spare everything for Astrid. About 8am I put on a load of laundry and started tidying up so that the paid cleaning lady could come while we were out.
Then I found the tray of tiny bits of Lego, and the cut up bits of paper, and...
We didn't leave the house until shortly before 11am, and Linnea threw such a screaming tantrum on the way to the station that we almost turned back. In hindsight, we should have, but Emer has been looking forward to going to London to see where Rob works for SO LONG that I didn't want to.
I gave Linnea a snack on the station platform , because snacks cure a lot of issues. Then we got on the train to go one stop to the local main station. When we got off, Linnea needed the bathroom.
She locked herself in a cubicle screaming for 45 minutes. After about 30, she went from enraged to distressed, and I called a friend to see what we could do.
Then a very very nice granny came and helped. A cleaner talked to Linnea over the door, and the granny helped her get her clothes on and wash her hands, so that Linnea didn't have to talk to me, and we got moving again.
To get from our house to the platform for the train to London took two hours. It usually takes 20 minutes or less.
We met a friend in Paddington and he bought us lunch. Linnea remarked that her throat had something hot and went in it and I looked - her tonsils were up and I gave her some paracetamol. She didn't want to go home so we went to walk across Hyde Park to meet Rob; we would have been just in time for him to finish work.
She ran away just before the statue of Peter Pan and again at the Princess Di Memorial Fountain. And in the fountain, which is like a squarish artificial stream of varying depths rather than a spray, she got wet. And whenever we even approached to explain that wet would be cold soon and it was getting late and so on, she ran away screaming, and eventually, eventually, eventually Emer joined in too, because it was more fun than what the grownups were doing, which was basically standing in the cold.
Eventually I sent our friend away as he had things to do and wasn't able to help. And I told Rob what was going on. And I settled into wait it out.
It was a cold day to stand in the wind waiting for children. Astrid was asleep on my back.
And I watched them getting colder and wetter and I cried because being cold and wet is awful, and they were going to be.
Rob came, and rounded them up. Emer was wet from the waist down. Linnea was much wetter. We bullied and harassed them across the park until we found a bit out of the wind, in some sort of roman-arch-based set of alcoves, and stripped Linnea completely, rubbed her dry with a clean cloth nappy, and dressed her in her own spare trousers, Rob's fleece-lined jacket, and her wet shoes. She also wore Rob's fleece hat. Then we sat her on the blanket while we stripped Emer - because she was dry, not dripping, we could do it in two halves, so she didn't get as cold. She wore her own clean trousers, Rob's jumper, and Rob's hi-vis vest as a windproof layer. Astrid woke up during all this, warm and happy on my back.
We wrapped Emer in the blanket, because she was too tired to walk, and we marched Linnea ahead of me. We got to Paddington while it was still light enough outside to see easily. And we fed them hot soup and I found a Boots selling women's socks so they got their feet warmed up. And after about a million years and a bunch of donuts and two cups of decaf coffee, I felt warmer too. And we got the train home.
There are two good things about today which show that I am in general improving: At no point did I feel suicidal, and after we left the house, I didn't lose my temper at all, even when my children were at their most demonic, most self-destructive, most horrendously hideous and hateful.
But throughout it all Linnea kept up a steady stream of how much she hates me, that I hate her, that I want to kill her, that if I touch her I'll kill her, that I want her dead, that I only had children to hurt them, that it was all my fault, that I made everyone late on purpose, that I stopped her sleeping last night (by tidying her room the day before, which made it All Wrong), that I woke her up extra-early by tidying her room so her mattress is as hard as concrete.
I can't imagine what kind of award would be appropriate.
Astrid was warm and asleep on my back.
I remember looking at the people around, wondering what they thought, and saying to myself, "This, this is what failure looks like - if anyone speaks to me that is what I'll tell them."
No-one did.
Today didn't go well. When Rob got up a little after six, Linnea was already up. I'd last seen her shortly before 11pm. I got up a while later and packed the bag - blanket, nappies, spare trousers for the big girls and spare everything for Astrid. About 8am I put on a load of laundry and started tidying up so that the paid cleaning lady could come while we were out.
Then I found the tray of tiny bits of Lego, and the cut up bits of paper, and...
We didn't leave the house until shortly before 11am, and Linnea threw such a screaming tantrum on the way to the station that we almost turned back. In hindsight, we should have, but Emer has been looking forward to going to London to see where Rob works for SO LONG that I didn't want to.
I gave Linnea a snack on the station platform , because snacks cure a lot of issues. Then we got on the train to go one stop to the local main station. When we got off, Linnea needed the bathroom.
She locked herself in a cubicle screaming for 45 minutes. After about 30, she went from enraged to distressed, and I called a friend to see what we could do.
Then a very very nice granny came and helped. A cleaner talked to Linnea over the door, and the granny helped her get her clothes on and wash her hands, so that Linnea didn't have to talk to me, and we got moving again.
To get from our house to the platform for the train to London took two hours. It usually takes 20 minutes or less.
We met a friend in Paddington and he bought us lunch. Linnea remarked that her throat had something hot and went in it and I looked - her tonsils were up and I gave her some paracetamol. She didn't want to go home so we went to walk across Hyde Park to meet Rob; we would have been just in time for him to finish work.
She ran away just before the statue of Peter Pan and again at the Princess Di Memorial Fountain. And in the fountain, which is like a squarish artificial stream of varying depths rather than a spray, she got wet. And whenever we even approached to explain that wet would be cold soon and it was getting late and so on, she ran away screaming, and eventually, eventually, eventually Emer joined in too, because it was more fun than what the grownups were doing, which was basically standing in the cold.
Eventually I sent our friend away as he had things to do and wasn't able to help. And I told Rob what was going on. And I settled into wait it out.
It was a cold day to stand in the wind waiting for children. Astrid was asleep on my back.
And I watched them getting colder and wetter and I cried because being cold and wet is awful, and they were going to be.
Rob came, and rounded them up. Emer was wet from the waist down. Linnea was much wetter. We bullied and harassed them across the park until we found a bit out of the wind, in some sort of roman-arch-based set of alcoves, and stripped Linnea completely, rubbed her dry with a clean cloth nappy, and dressed her in her own spare trousers, Rob's fleece-lined jacket, and her wet shoes. She also wore Rob's fleece hat. Then we sat her on the blanket while we stripped Emer - because she was dry, not dripping, we could do it in two halves, so she didn't get as cold. She wore her own clean trousers, Rob's jumper, and Rob's hi-vis vest as a windproof layer. Astrid woke up during all this, warm and happy on my back.
We wrapped Emer in the blanket, because she was too tired to walk, and we marched Linnea ahead of me. We got to Paddington while it was still light enough outside to see easily. And we fed them hot soup and I found a Boots selling women's socks so they got their feet warmed up. And after about a million years and a bunch of donuts and two cups of decaf coffee, I felt warmer too. And we got the train home.
There are two good things about today which show that I am in general improving: At no point did I feel suicidal, and after we left the house, I didn't lose my temper at all, even when my children were at their most demonic, most self-destructive, most horrendously hideous and hateful.
But throughout it all Linnea kept up a steady stream of how much she hates me, that I hate her, that I want to kill her, that if I touch her I'll kill her, that I want her dead, that I only had children to hurt them, that it was all my fault, that I made everyone late on purpose, that I stopped her sleeping last night (by tidying her room the day before, which made it All Wrong), that I woke her up extra-early by tidying her room so her mattress is as hard as concrete.
I can't imagine what kind of award would be appropriate.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-31 10:40 am (UTC)It so obviously came from a place of pain.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-31 10:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-31 04:42 pm (UTC)However, it must be devastating to be on the receiving end of it and I think you are brilliant for dealing with it. You must be completely tired of having to be brave. I know that there are times when I def am and I don't have kids to raise.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-31 06:07 pm (UTC)I agree that ideally she could do with someone to help her with this.
Also,