Emer is much better today

[ailbhe]

She stayed in bed until almost 11, because she's tired and slightly hurting, but she asked me more about my time with measles and whooping cough and then gleefully said "I won't get those, because I had the majection."

So she's coming to accept it, though last night she also said in a very reassuring tone "I am always ok when you hurt me," which was, well, brilliant. Yay. I would have laughed at that except I was too busy being punched in the gut.

Comments

[ailbhe]

On the contrary, it's classic abused children stuff - they reassure the contrite abusing adult that they are ok, because caring for the adult and prioritising the adult's emotional wellbeing is key.

Which isn't what's going on here, but that's just what a real abuser would say, isn't it?

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

Well, I've met you, and I've met your children. I think the same behaviour could be displayed by an intelligent child (with loving parents) who understands necessities?

[ailbhe]

I'm kind of holding on to that thought.

Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[cabbagemedley.livejournal.com]

If you're an abuser, you are also superhumanly good at consistently lying about how you care for your children. Seriously. If Emer needs the vaccination (which she does), and she doesn't want the vaccination, then you can either let her go unprotected with the risk of getting seriously ill in the future or you can use a certain amount of force. That's a crappy choice to have to make but it does not equal abuse. It doesn't. Her phrasing was unfortunate, but I really do think she was expressing an understanding that you keep her safe even when nasty things sometimes have to happen.

Part of maintaining the trust in a parent-child relationship is about both of you knowing that the parent is competent to run the show. It's totally appropriate to say you're sorry when you have to do something she doesn't like. But I think it's possible to overdo the contrition, and that would make her feel much less secure. You are very aware of how things might affect your children and that is fantastic, but you and they also need to have faith in your judgement. She will be OK, and your knowing that will be reassuring to her.

Re: Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[ailbhe]

It's ok, she doesn't read this.

Re: Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[cabbagemedley.livejournal.com]

Ack, I didn't mean that I think you're sitting down with her and asking her to reassure you that you're not an abuser or anything. :( I just meant that being OK with the action you took is good for both of you, not just a way of making you more comfortable. (Though that is important.)

Re: Unsolicited rambling, please forgive if it's unwanted

[ailbhe]

Heh, I can't be that person from here. Maybe one day I won't second-guess the times I make my children cry on purpose, but really my history of abuse and mental illness makes me wonder whether that would be wise. I *have* been abusive to the children in the past (but I've had the contraceptive implant removed now so perhaps it won't happen again) and there's always that generational cycle...

Mind you, I didn't apologise to Emer this time, just sympathised. A lot. And cried where she couldn't hear me.