On Pregnancy

[ailbhe]

I'm not currently pregnant but somehow a lot of people I know are, or have just had babies, and I've been thinking about pregnancy and, in particular, birth.

When I was pregnant with Linnea, I signed up for a hospital birth mainly because my friends and family were happier that way. I didn't feel it would make much difference; if I made it to hospital to have the baby, that would be fine, but I was completely prepared to have it take me by surprise and happen at home. I suppose now that I thought the most likely thing would be for me to go to hospital and say "I'm in labour!" and be told "Oh, you'll be hours yet, I'll come back in a bit," and then later "Hang on, where did you get that baby?!"

I also anticipated having my baby early, which is normal in my family.

Actually, although labour started early, at 37 weeks which is the very beginning of Full Term, it went on for a very very long time, and when Linnea eventually arrived (after a few medical go-faster stripes involving indignity and pain) she was a week "late".

And of course I ended up with PTSD and being infanticidal and suicidal and all those good things.

So my second pregnancy, with Emer, was... less joyful. Fraught. Fearful.

Because of the injuries I sustained first time around, it was clear that a second vaginal birth wasn't a good idea, so I had to deliberately choose to have my baby before it was ready to be born. I'm child-led, as a parent, to varying degrees depending on my personal tolerance, but one thing I'm pretty clear on is that babies shouldn't be born before they are ready to be born. I felt pretty bad about that.

But the actual birth was lovely. Like the first one, it was in an operating theatre, which is a weird place to bring a healthy baby, but there you go. Unlike the first one, everyone was polite to me, I had one arm completely free and not strapped down, my legs weren't tied up, they didn't take the baby out of my sight after she was born, I was allowed to hold her, the whole thing was explained to me as it went on... Oh, and the surgical wound was actually stitched up in theatre, not expected to heal by the amazing power of mother nature.

Next time (which is not yet), I plan to have a homebirth. The injuries from the first delivery are healed enough that I think it's worth the risk, which anyway is less than the risk of c-section resulting in hysterectomy (1 in 300).

I wonder whether the pregnancy will be as optimistic as that first one. Not the same, but I wonder whether I will be able to have the joy and revelling without the guilt and fear.

Probably. The toddler asleep at my breast is pretty joyous.

Comments

[pne]

But the actual birth was lovely. Like the first one, it was in an operating theatre, which is a weird place to bring a healthy baby, but there you go. Unlike the first one, everyone was polite to me, I had one arm completely free and not strapped down, my legs weren't tied up, they didn't take the baby out of my sight after she was born, I was allowed to hold her, the whole thing was explained to me as it went on... Oh, and the surgical wound was actually stitched up in theatre, not expected to heal by the amazing power of mother nature.

I'm so glad.

I... I can't explain this. But when you posted that bit, and I read it, I was glad for you. That things went better. And it made me a bit happy, too, out of sympathy. Thank you for posting that.

Even if it had to contrast with the previous birth.

[nakedfaery.livejournal.com]

I could say a lot about this. I think I originally added you to my friends list because I had a feeling you would understand more than a lot of people I know about the bittersweet feeling of seeing your beautiful healthy baby, but knowing that they didn't get there the way you wanted.

Fear and guilt are very hard things to let go off, I'm still working through mine 4 years after Nathan was born. I hope you manage to get through yours, I think you are a wonderful woman and the world is blessed to have you as a mother.

I won't type any more because I'm tearing up, all I'll say now is best wishes and I pray that you have the wonderful healing experience that you want :-)

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

I'm also glad we live in a country where you can *choose* to have a home birth, rather than having a hospital one, because if you don't have a hospital birth, you're 200 miles and a load of mountains away from serious medical care if it goes wrong. Being in a country where you're rarely more than 30 mins away from a hospital is great (and they can use those 30 mins to prep theatre.)

[megaleena.livejournal.com]

I really hope you get the pregnancy and birth you hope for. You were one of my inspirations in how involved I was at aiming for the birth I wanted rather than the birth the medical professionals wanted to give me. For that, I thank you! Without knowing from you that it *was* possible to have options, I'd have been a passive birther and it would probably have been an even more traumatic experience than it was.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you for always telling us the truths you've lived.