Social today. Only, not.

[ailbhe]

Today we went to ERAPA, which Linnea and Emer loved and I found exhausting. I've done so much socialising this week, and so little sleeping, that the effort of going into a group of people I don't know intimately and breaking into their conversations even enough to say "Hello" was too much. I know from experience that this is sometimes perceived as rude, as is breaking into conversations in the wrong way and at the wrong time, but I was honestly too tired to care. Handling a group from outside is just a game of rules I don't know or understand, with stakes no-one makes clear before you start. I can't even tell how I'm doing after I've managed to join in the conversation. I can't tell whether I've dominated it inappropriately, or been rudely silent, or done sort of ok. And eventually my throat closes over and I can't even speak audibly any more.

Professional situations don't do that to me, unless they're informal mandatory fun stuff, which is allegedly social. Situations of authority, such as being in charge of organising an otherwise social event, don't do it to me. But Just Chatting? Knackering.

Still, I did manage to speak at least one sentence to everyone there, and joined in two different topics of group conversation, so that's something, at least.

And I find interacting with the children perfectly straightforward.

I wish I understood it and could switch it bloody off. It's all a bit Smiths.

Comments

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

I find that a modicum of alcohol makes me stop worrying about this. It may not do much for my ability to follow the 'rules' of social interaction, but at least I'm not fretting about it the whole time. Obviously, in some situations, this isn't a good thing, or an available option. But I do know how you feel.

Apparently, some of this does get better with age and practice. Some aspects of my father's social phobia have almost completely died away now he's 65. Personally, I'd quite like to have noticeable improvements *before* I hit retirement, but there is a small candle flickering at the end of the tunnel.

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what "It's all a bit Smiths" means, but I often find myself in exactly the situation you have described so well.

My throat doesn't close (I'd be better off if it did!) but I go home thinking "Omigod, was I really obnoxious?" and I agonize over the situation.

I haven't been living in a bubble for mumblemumble years, where was I when everyone else learned how to socialize? And why can't I?

[ai731.livejournal.com]

"Where was I when everyone else learned how to socialize? And why can't I?"

Me too. And I wish I knew. The most frustrating part is that I know what I'm doing wrong, but either a) I can't figure out how to do it right, or b) I find doing the 'correct thing' so impossibly emotionally draining that I can't force myself to do it.

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

In more rational times, I think that the unsocialized among us are unwilling to follow the conventions that don't make sense to us.

I stand around at a meeting or social event and think "What BS this is, what a hypocrite he/she is." And then I say something in opposition which some people agree with and others are shocked to hear.

Perhaps we are the iconoclasts, the Truth Speakers, talking realism that people don't want to think about.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

I think it's unwise to equate contrariness -- or simple rudeness -- with somehow being smarter or more willing to speak truth than the people to whom one is being contrary.

[merryhouse.livejournal.com]

yeah, that way lies Heinlein ;-)

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I'm crap at smalltalk & always feel like a prat.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, do I ever relate to that. I get along with adults fine if I have a job to do. It's why I'm Snack Wench at our parties, so that I know my role, if that makes any sense.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

WSS

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

WSS?

[perceval.livejournal.com]

What she said - sorry, I was tying one handed with a squirming feeder on my lap

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

Oh, no problem. I'm slow sometimes. :-)

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

Me too - all of this. (Though my shyness often extends to kids too, though not babies.) *Professionally*, I am an excellent public speaker. But face-to-face - forget it! I can sometimes float along on very superficial small talk, but otherwise I'm doomed.

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

Harumph. All of the above.

And does anyone else get this little shoulder demon, incessantly screaming in their ear "shut up already, you pathetic babbling fool!"?

[heraldis.livejournal.com]

Yup! Except mine calls me something ruder than that...

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

Mine too! *And* it can be rude to me in lots of languages. Lemme tell ya, Yiddish demons are the pits. No wonder I've never laid mine to rest.

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

Are you sure that's a demon? That might just be your guardian angel.

Alison may one day set up another openID .....

[(Anonymous)]

At ERAPA I tend to make a cup of tea (always asking if anyone else wants one - instant brownie points ;-) ), find a space to sit in and collect myself for a few minutes. Generally someone says hello before I start wondering what to say. And then if I don't know what to say, I ask people questions. That way you sound like you are interested in them, not just babbling.

Re: Alison may one day set up another openID .....

[ailbhe]

Right, and how do you deal with the enormous stress and fatigue?

Re: Alison may one day set up another openID .....

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

Um, stay up half the night replaying every tatter of conversation in my head, burning with shame and hating myself for every moronic word uttered?

Oh wait, that probably wasn't the answer you were looking for...

Re: Alison may one day set up another openID .....

[ailbhe]

No, I AM getting better at that part, honest. I now know to have a lot to eat and a really hot bath, first, before replaying anything.

Then I find a nice horrifying story on the internet, like Nujood Ali's story, which is both awe-inspiring and horrifying at the same time.

[laura0141.livejournal.com]

No consolation, I know, but I'm exactly the same in social situations. My solution is to take knitting and hide behind that.