Interfering busybodies R Us

[ailbhe]

Today I went to town to buy Linnea some pyjamas and both girls swimsuits and Emer new shoes and all the other children-grow-don't-you-know things one does. I'm still not brilliantly well, so I took frequent rests, and one of these was in the cafe at John Lewis, where we actually made several of our purchases. We sat at our table with our drinks and bits of fruit, and I gradually became aware of a screaming toddler. Well, beyond toddler, but still buggy-bound.

I watched and listened while the dad scolded the screamer and the screamer wriggled down and ran away and the dad caught him and tried to interest him in his lunch and the screamer screamed and got down and ran away and the dad gave up and the grandparents came back and blah blah blah.

Eventually I saw the dad and grandad trying to lower the child into the buggy, one arm each, child dangling and wriggling his whole body out the *bottom* of the buggy, both adults getting angrier and angrier and probably more and more embarrassed. So I interfered. I said "Scuse me, would it help if someone else's parent did it? They're usually more cooperative for other people."

They hesitated, then let go of the child and the dad said "Yes please" with the kind of relief normally associated with being airlifted off the roof of your burning house at 3 am in a blizzard,which was nice, because I had half an idea he'd tell me to fuck off, since he'd been sounding so angry earlier.

I picked the child up in my arms, held him behind the knees and across his back, so that he had to bend in the middle (step one). Then I sorted the buggy strap that goes between the legs so that when I got him in I could hoick it up and prevent him wriggling out the bottom (step two). Then I started lowering him in, but the whole time I said "Oh poor boy, poor little boy, you don't want to be in the buggy, poor boy," etc. As I talked his dad calmed down until eventually he said "I don't know what's wrong with him, he's not usually like this, are you Charlie?" Charlie calmed down a bit too - still crying, but not struggling or hysterical any more. And I got him in with dad helping sort out the kicking feet, and after I worked out what the dad had done to the buggy straps to stop them closing, I got him safe,too.

Then granddad took him for a walk and they came back five minutes later and Charlie ate his lunch happily. And Linnea went and got him a set of crayons from the kiddie bar and handed them to him. Dunno what he had to draw on, mind you.

Sometimes all it takes is not being close enough to feel *responsible* for the crying. Or something. Anyway, it could have gone badly, it went well, I'm glad I intervened.

Comments

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

i'm glad you did too.

there have been days when i would have loved to have been rescued like that.

[ailbhe]

Most of the interventions I've been offered in similar circumstances have been "It's a shame you can't hit her" type comments. Which I personally find unhelpful.

[beaq.livejournal.com]

It's encouraging that it worked out. I try to do that, too, when it's an area I feel competent in. Even so far as just holding someone's bag, or their other kid's hand or something. (If it was your kid, would you feel more comfortable having someone hang on to them if the person was sitting or otherwise unable to sidle away without being noticed?)

[ailbhe]

Um, once I was so desperate I gave a strange woman my baby to hold while I howled crying in a shopping centre. Linnea was about 3 months old. I have no idea now whether the woman remained in my sight.

If I was less desperate than that, but still desperate enough to be grateful for interference, I think I'd probably prefer the person to stay within my line of sight or keep up a conversation with my child so I could hear where the child was all the time. I rely a lot on hearing Linnea when I can't see her.

I don't think I'd notice sitting or standing, much, nor think that one was safer than the other. I'd notice stuff like - well, today when I picked up Charlie, I left both my children sitting at a nearby table. That's a pretty good anchor. Your dog or your wallet might work similarly.

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

Good for you :) There are some days that I would have been grateful for a calm person to have helped me out.

[rmc28]

I think if it's not your child, you can be less upset, and you're not transmitting it to the child, and maybe the child isn't as tuned into your signals of "upset" as they are to those of their own people. So it takes all the escalation out of the situation.

Charles has taught me so much about staying calm, at least outwardly (which often becomes inwardly if one keeps it up).

[k425.livejournal.com]

You're a fabulous person, you know that?

NTS Swimming trunks. YoungBloke needs new trunks!

Other people's children's crying

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad you interfered: it sounds as if the father was doing his best but genuinely at a loss. I hate it when I'm in the supermarket and someone's baby is crying and crying and crying and they behave as though it's not there. Or worse. I remember Jack Dee's joke "Why do people take their children to supermarkets to hit them?"

It was me

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be anonymous - it was me, Daphne, in the previous comment!

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you intervened. I can write lots of stories about the situation you saw - perhaps the father isn't the primary caregiver, and the mother is at home in bed ill? or perhaps has just given birth to the next child? And perhaps the mother and grandmother were at home with the new baby, and the father was sent out to amuse the older child, and he took his father along to try to help out - but both of the men are used to it being the women's job to look after the children, and they're not confident of their own abilities?

Having thought of that situation, I really hate the innate gender biases in it :/ I hope that the father was able to see you as another parent who was able to help, rather than assuming that your child-calming abilities came from some magical female trait that he would never be able to learn. I think you were right, and it's simply that you were a different adult that made the child behave better for you.

[ailbhe]

Definitely the father wasn't the primary caregiver. He had no idea of the tricks you can use to get a child into a buggy - I don't think I've ever seen anyone try to dangle a child in by the wrists before - and I like to think that the presumed mother was off somewhere reading a good book or otherwise getting some valuable recreation done. Eating chocolate and reading, maybe. Eating chocolate, drinking a hot cup of something, and reading.

Or maybe just peeing in privacy.