A good drink spoiled

[ailbhe]

In the Workhouse today I was chatting to another regular, enjoying my brownie and peppermint tea, when suddenly the conversation took a chauvinistic turn. It rapidly became misogynist. When it turned to jokes along the lines of "I don't think women should stay at home... all the time," I put the kids in the buggy, paid my bill, and left.

I'm still shaking with anger. I honestly thought this was a pleasant enough man. I said several times that he was verging on offensive, being offensive, and making me uncomfortable, in various ways. He kept going. I can only assume he was deliberately winding me up, which, to me, makes it worse than offending me by accident through ignorance.

That sort of shit is neither original nor funny. It's not even harmless. It's nasty and damaging, and I won't put up with it, and I certainly won't let my daughters see me putting up with it. Linnea has already internalised that little girls aren't as exciting as little boys, that ladies aren't as exciting as men, that the important person in any given book is male unless there's a clear labelling to indicate otherwise - gender neutral defaults to male.

She's not even three.

Comments

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

In hindsight, I think a comment like "Oh dear, what a dull, quaint, old-fashioned attitude! I would have expected something more informed from you!" would serve well.

It sounds as though he was baiting you and you rose to the bait (not an unusual thing to do.) Unfortunately I think he won the battle by making you leave. When you are feeling less sensitive, you might have more success in taking him on by gently making fun of his attitude without being offensive.

"I'm surprised that anyone in the 21st century still believes that nonsense. Tell me, do you have daughters? Granddaughters? Are they kept barefoot and pregnant and chained to the hob?"

"You must feel very threatened by womanhood. You should seek help for that. You would be much happier."

I know that it's hard to hear and even harder to NOT take personally. Your daughter will learn a lot more by seeing you on the offensive. You have my sympathy for having to deal with his cretin mindset.

[ailbhe]

Gentle responses like that made it clear to him that I was available for baiting, actually. And no, he has no offspring, because he's a confirmed bachelor - he doesn't want the hassle of commitment.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Real men aren't afraid of women.

Just as bloody well I wasn't there, to be honest.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Ugh, how utterly vile. Good on you for removing yourself and the girls from the situation. I think you're absolutely right that there's nothing you could have said or done to him to change his mind, unfortunately: any response at all would have been seen as getting a rise out of you.

And that stuff about tiny little girls having already absorbed the primacy of maleness is the reason why I can't imagine a post-patriachy. How do you turn around something so utterly engrained? Even if you close the wage gap, even if 50% of your parliament are female, even if every other national leader is a woman, we're still going to be living in a society where maleness is the norm and femaleness is the other. Tough but inspiring to be the mother of daughters.

Poor you. I hope you have a nice evening to make up for it.

[gloriap.livejournal.com]

Would it help if we brainwashed our daughters that the best husband is sensitive, considerate, and helpful rather than the macho, posturing, pretty face we have come to accept as the Perfect Man?

It's hard to promote equality when we are programmed by society to fall in love with Neanderthals.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Or you could brainwash your daughters to think that hey, maybe marrying a man isn't the only option available to them?

[ailbhe]

Actually, I think I might have a problem with admitting that I am brainwashing them into anything. Obviously I am, because one gets one's morals with one's mother's milk, but it's a troublesome area for someone who believes in allowing children to grow as individuals...

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Even better!

[haggis.livejournal.com]

The middle-aged guy next to me at work asked me out of the blue "Why do women always start hoovering when the football is on?"

I told him that I found that statement so stupid on all counts that all I could do was laugh at it.

I feel your rage and the utter frustration of having to deal with such idiocy.