Justify!

[ailbhe]

The lovely man in the train station who responded to "I'm a full-time mum" with "That's a job in itself, of course," was trying hard to be nice. I mean, I'm sure he thought that parenting is hard work. But I was immediately defensive.

What I do is hard. Whenever people see me out with Rob, mind you, it looks easy, because I make him do all the running - I just sit around, whenever that's possible, which isn't actually all that often as a percentage of my actual life. But I've recently read "What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing" and it made me want to cry so often that I almost did, and in front of my mother, no less. The biggest thing it articulated for me is that there aren't any commonly-understood words for what I spend most of my time and energy doing.

There's no word for my job. I'm a mother - but so is every female who has borne or raised a child. It doesn't have much to do with whether the child was cared for 16 hours a day by a nanny or 12 hours a day by a nursery or 24 hours a day by the birth-mother or sent out for adoption after birth or adopted by the mother at birth or raised in a hippie commune.

I'm a non-working mother, which is so offensive that I don't use the term. I'm a full-time mother, which is deeply offensive about mothers who do have paying jobs as well as mothering (at least, I am pretty sure it'd offend me!). I'm a stay at home mother, so I spend more time out and about with my child than any "working" mother I know.

OK, so no word for my job except some which are inaccurate and dismissive.

What about my job description?

Full-time carer for infant. Responsibilities include washing, dressing, feeding, playing (ha!), singing, dancing, shopping for, laundering for, disciplining, teaching, guiding... comforting, cuddling, loving, being patient with, allowing space and time alone...

It's hard. I mean, what do I do? I can learn to draw horses upside-down on a moving train. I can wash crayon off a window with a wet-wipe while singing a finger-action rhyme to keep the baby from running away. I can learn the signals that command a game of "This Little Piggy Went To Market" and figure out whether I am playing it on her toes or she on mine. I can interpret baby-speak well enough that she practices until it's intelligible to other people. I know when she's sleepy or hungry or tired-but-sleepless and have a long, long list of Things To Try when a situation arises that needs to be dealt with.

I can do all of that in five minutes, easily. If she sleeps 12 hours a day, which I'm not sure happens very much, that's 144 5-minute sessions. I can't possibly log all I do in that time; so much of it happens concurrently, so much of it I have learned so well it's unconscious - almost instinctive, though I didn't have these instincts three years ago!

I'm a nutritionist too, though I may not be a very good one. I am a very good shoe-fitter, which is good, because not all trained shoe-fitters are and Linnea has funny feet. I can tell which clothes will fit her by looking.

I'm a mother, and I do all this...

And besides, I deal with the medical bureaucracy and the intermittent pain and the daily inconvenience of my birth injuries and the PTSD, which is a lot less ugly than it was a year ago, thank all the gods.

And the normal self-and-household maintenance that normal people with or without children do, making sure that neither I nor the kitchen becomes so filthy as to grow mould, that we don't get into hideous debt unless we have a good time doing so, that no-one's birthday is forgotten too often for the ties of friendship to remain unbroken (some of them are a bit frayed), and I write a bit to keep myself sane. And knitting, that's a new sane-keeper.

But I'm just a mother, although that's a job in itself, of course.

We need some new vocabulary.

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

You are not just a mother.

You should sit down and write a real job description for everything you do, every task that you take care of.

And then work on a good title for that position.

[ailbhe]

Yeah, but every time I say "I'm a mother," that little JUST is sitting JUST behind my voice JUST trying to say itself JUST. That's not... great.

I might try to brainstorm with Rob what my actual tasklist looks like. And his, because his role in fathering (Daddy Waab!) gets left out a lot - naturally, his role in earning money is seen as far more important in his life. Shyeah.

[da-pol.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about needing new vocabulary - I'd say that you do far more than I'd ever be capable of doing, and you actually do it with remarkable forbearance and even reasonably good humour most of the time.

I know the phrase "remarkable forbearance" is likely to set off bells, but what I mean is that from the outside it seems like that should apply, but I know that you do it all because that's what you *do*.

As for non-working mother - try "mother not in paid employment" - it's a very different thing - you are very definitely a working mother - the job you have chosen is being a mother and a wife (two things that historically were closely linked, but less so in our "disposable relationship" society of today). Your choice is just that - yours - it's no more or less valid than mothers who find themselves in a position to be able to add "wage earner" to that list too - I don't mean to denigrate any woman in that position, but it invariably means that they have a different life balance to the one you are in and that wage earning is filling a part of their lives where you have motherhood and being a wife.

You are *not* "just" a mother.

Rather, you are a loving, dedicated mother and wife and yes, that's a job in and of itself. It's the biggest job anybody can take on and the one with the greatest responsibilities and in my opinion the greatest rewards.

A large percentage of what you do with and with regards to Linnea are life-or-death decisions every bit as major as Doctors make, but where they get to put them down after a shift, you carry on with them, 24 hours a day.

*Every* decision you make is a life changing decision for Linnea and will shape who she is.

I said that Mother and Wife were closely linked - I think that to a large extent they may be closer than anybody acknowledges - a good part of being a wife ends up mothering your husband to some extent - I'm not saying this is the way it should be, but it's the way most marriages I've ever seen operate to some extent (there is some reciprocity, but the balance tends to be in favour of the wife)

I don't think I can actually express the respect I have for women who are mothers - it's a job I quite literally could not do for more than a few hours at a time, yet mothers do it almost all day every day with very little letup and all this because *that's what mothers do*.

Just a mother? Hell no!

A mother - yes. A damn good mother - absolutely.

It's not a job either. It's the job. The only one that matters.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

"It's not a job either. It's the job. The only one that matters."

You'll have to forgive me if I respectfully but in the strongest possible terms disagree. Being a mother is an extremely important (and challenging job). There are, however, many other jobs in the world that matter. Saying that it is, "the only one that matters," is not only to say (and say directly, not merely imply) that nothing else anybody in the world does matters, but also that having and raising children is the only worthwhile human endeavour. It is also stating that people who are unable to or choose not to have children are completely worthless as people. In addition, it utterly dismisses the role that any father might have in the raising of children. I can't agree on any level to any degree with any of those things.

[da-pol.livejournal.com]

I really don't want to get into a pitched argument on this one but:

For many mothers it *is* the only job which matters. Subjective opinion is just that - subjective. I happen to believe that motherhood is a level of responsibility and dedication above almost any other job which exists. I'm willing to stretch the definition of motherhood to cover anybody who's in a 24/7/365 position where they are almost the sole source of support for another individual, but to the first approximation I believe that no other job does matter as much - without perpetuation of the species there *is* no species and thus nobody to actually hold these other jobs you believe matter so much. In a fundamental way mothers are essential.

Not meaning to be funny, but motherhood isn't limited to women - there are a lot of men out there who are acting in loco-maternis for their children. This doesn't lessen the dedication and responsibility vested in them.

I make no value judgements on whether or not somebody is worthwhile on the basis of whether they have children - I'm not self hating enough to rank myself as worthless or my wife or most of my friends because we don't have children. I'd say that none of us presently has the level of responsibility which comes with a child and certainly consider myself somewhat less mature than I may be as a result - I've worked on a mountain rescue team and I've guided multi-million pound projects, so I've had substantial responsibility and accountability for life, death and money, but even so I always knew I could stop worrying about it at the end of a working day.

I really do think you are reading what I say with far too much attention to the letter and not enough to the spirit.

[ailbhe]

I do think that the phrasing "the only one that matters" is poorly chosen. I will have to read these comments a lot more carefully before I can answer them, because although I realise that you (pol) are being supportive and admiring, I do take issue with some of your phrasing.

Which means I need to be very careful with the phrasing of my response :)

[da-pol.livejournal.com]

I have no problem with you taking issue with my phrasing. Feel free to roast me for anything you find particularly inappropriate (feel free to do it offline if you're at all worried about my taking it the wrong way - I won't but even so...)

I'll agree that that one was possibly a little more stridently declarative than it could have done with being, but I'm not going to try and figure out exactly what I meant and stretch it into more moderate terms just at this minute.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

Curiosity: What would the proper response have been? (Or is there a tonality there that isn't carried across in your post?) It sounds to me like he was trying to express an awareness that what you're doing is hard, and it also sounds like something I might say, so if it's offensive to people, I'd like to know why so I can choose better things to say.

[ailbhe]

It wasn't offensive, but I felt defensive about it. It's more because of the tone in which I've heard *other* people say it, I think, because his tone, while not particularly appreciative, wasn't dismissive or anything.

As I say, we need more vocab.

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

what I heard, when I read it, was the "in itself, innit?" oh, "motherhood is a job", "a hard job", a "full-time job", etc is just fine, it's the dismissiveness implicit in "it's a job in itself", of course it bloody is. I don't think I found it offfensive either, just hurtful. but then again, is there a difference?

i'm thinking hard about aspects of mothering at the moment, having taken the decision to give up my paid job. i know i work a lot harder than i did, and i'm more conscientious in thsi job than I was for the last few months of working in my old one.

I was musing yesterday about some of my hangups, especially the "wait til your father gets home" one, if you had time to read it, i'd be interested to hear what you thought of it, too....

[ailbhe]

I responded with "Yeah, it's actually more like two jobs in itself, really. Or three. The health and safety standards are lousy, too."

And he asked why, and I explained, and we reached An Understanding.

(Your post - the difference seems to be between "Wait until your father, the arbiter of justice and meter out of punishments, returns to rule over his family in his infinite masculine wisdom" and "Wait until your father, who hasn't been driven STARK RAVING MAD MY GOD WHY DON'T YOU EVER STOP? by your antics gets home and can look at the situation coolly and then GROUND YOU FOREVER AAAAAGH and make me a cup of tea. God. OK. Yes. Breathe. Go watch TV or something.")

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

Not particularly appreciative...
Which would mean he didn't quite get it, yesno? So you need to explain, and to make people see, understand, and appreciate.

[ailbhe]

Yeah - and I did. But he wouldn't have responded that way had I said that I was PA to the marketing director of a small Thneed-making firm that was in its third year of production and expected to have a product on the market in 2007. I think that's what bothers me - it's not *his* fault. It's the whole damn world! Nuke them from orbit!

[firecat]

It's hard not to have a suitable job title. On the other hand, ultimately you are a human being doing stuff that is very important to you.

Unhelpfully,

Job title

[tiggsybabes.livejournal.com]

I can't actually remember the last time I was asked what I do, so I don't really think about it as much as I used to. I think it's much more common to be a stay at home mother Up North as the cost of living is cheaper, so it's assumed that when I'm out & about during the week with my children, that's that is what I'm doing.
I was once asked if I was a child minder by a snobby woman at the baby group as apparently my children don't look like sisters. She only came once & was so up herself, I don't dwell on that comment.

[pauamma]

Hmm, how does "I'm self-employed - I run a child-care business" sound?

[ailbhe]

Business implies earning. It's not honest, and it just sort of covers up the fact that I'm doing this semi-invisible job.

[pauamma]

Hmm, non-profit business, perhaps, then? (and I was trying to convey the fact you're the one doing it - that's what self-employed was for)

[(Anonymous)]

IMHO, it's the "of course" on the end that makes it sound dismissive.
And I whole-heartedly agree with Pol - always use the expression, "not in paid employment" rather than, "not working"!

[megabitch.livejournal.com]

Mother is what you do, it is not a description of what/who you are. Unless it is your child using the term as a description, of course.

I've done both, and I can't tell you which is the harder. I've seen my sisters bitch and fight because neither will admit that the other's way of mothering is also valid.

I'd like to ban the sentence "I am/she is/you are a mother." It doesn't need a replacement. And, while I'm at it, I'd like to force fuckwits such as Gordon "I can't possibly change a nappy, I'm a _chef_!" Ramsay to handwash an entire year's worth of dirty nappies from a sent of triplets.

Now, what to replace the word "mother" with... Rugrat Herder? Too limiting. Child Wrangler? Ditto... Juggler? Nah, jugglers drop stuff, women who mother rarely do... JOAT? Sounds too much like "stoat"...

[da-pol.livejournal.com]

I think the phrase you are looking for is "Miracle Worker" :@)

[ruthi.livejournal.com]

You have identified a lexical gap. There's no proper word for what you do.

The words I think about come from old books about rich people with servants: housekeeper, cook, maidservant, nanny, nurse, governess. It's always the work of several people.

I suppose you could say 'Nanny, nutritionist, nurse - and that's just the N's'.

Suzette Haden Elgin writes in her livejournal, ozarque about lexical gaps,
about filling lexical gaps
lexical gaps and their consequences

and, as part of constructing a language - here:
There are things many women need to talk about, for various reasons, but which have an impoverished nontechnical vocabulary in English. Things like menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, menopause, and the female sexual act(s). [It's not unusual, when I discuss this before an audience, for men in the audience to ask me why on earth anybody would want to talk about some of those things; that is precisely the point.]