Parenting: A career choice
Sep. 29th, 2005 02:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ailbheToday I have, again, seen someone say that no-one chooses parenting as a career, and that they've never known an intelligent person who wanted to be a full-time parent, and that parenting isn't a full-time ob after the child is [arbitrary age - in this case 6 years old].
And I've spent my free time this morning reading about home education, because I am increasingly unhappy with the idea of formal schooling.
I also wrote the following in someone else's journal:
Practically all of what I've learned in the past year is to trust myself.
If I'd insisted that I was in labour when I was in labour, for example. When I think we need to buy a [safety equipment] because Linnea is about to [suicidal thing]. That the funny breathing thing is a bit odd. The dairy thing. The potty thing. All of it - it's down to trusting that what I think is right is adequate to act on, and not referring to other, less-qualified persons for instruction.
And a big part of how I got *there* was changing from "this whole baby thing is my personal life, at which I am incompetent" to "this whole baby thing is my job, at which I am fabulously competent."
OK, *after* having a baby is a bit late to learn this, maybe, but she seems to be surviving so far.
I approached full-time parenting as a job from the start. While I was pregnant I learned to keep house - that is, I learned to keep house tidy, rather than just keep house solvent, which I've been good at for a while. Because I wouldn't let Linnea go to a childminder with a dirty house, so my house has to be clean if that's where she's going to be. I learned about breastpumps and cloth nappies, and local schools, and I went to all the antenatal classes offered and deliberately formed a social network of other mums at the classes so that I would have a social network of parents after the birth. And after she was born I kept oining and forming and researching and so on.
And I got precious little time off for illness - though I did get some, when all I had to do was be operated on or feed.
And my baby is almost 17 months old (tomorrow!) and will play alone, unsupervised, for up to an hour, sometimes. So she's not suffocated with attention. She will also play nicely with babies her own age, mobile babies much younger than she is, and children up to some arbitrary age - we haven't found a limit yet. She is wary of strangers at first but friendly once introduced. She does not demand constant constant attention, though I do have to be constantly available - always on call, if you like.
In other words, I am doing a good job and I have a great kid and she hasn't suffered in the least from not being at nursery - and I haven't suffered much from not going to a "proper job", because there's no way I'd have found one far enough away from her nursery that I could nap at lunchtime, and that's the only thing I miss about a proper job - lunchbreaks, where one is no longer on call.
She's asleep in her very own bed now. I'm knitting her coat and pottering about online. When she wakes up we're going to wash the floors and then head off to softplay, most likely. Today would be a swimming day if I didn't have a period.
11 days to the gynaecologist appointment. Ho hum.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-29 01:56 pm (UTC)there's no pension scheme; no union; the working conditions and hours are quite simply, untenable and break every EU rule in the book ... need I go on? ;-)
In all seriousness I think those who are able and willing to make a full-time job out of home-making and bringing up children well should be feted and celebrated and *supported* by society. At the moment, the only parents who are supported by society (in the UK, I don't know about other countries) are the ones who have more children than they can afford to keep and maintain and who draw down social security benefits for them all to live on. Oh, and foster parents.
Being a stay at home mum is thought of as a luxury that few can afford ... that's when it's not thought of as being non-productive and parasitic. I'd sound old and bitter though if I added that that's why we have the younger generation that we do. And actually, most of the young people I know are by some miracle developing into fairly OK people ... despite having little parental involvement in their upbringing in some cases. I wish more women had a real choice about how much involvement they wanted in their children's lives and care. I think many would actually *like* to spend more time mothering. Even though it does drive you mad some days.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-29 02:41 pm (UTC)*boggle*
That's one stupid person. Most of the stay-at-home moms I know are very intelligent, and are home because they chose to be. My sister-in-law is a wonderful example of that, as are you.
One of the reasons Dan and I chose years ago to not delve into our fertility issues was a discovered difference of opinion about one of us staying home with the child - I wanted one of us to (either him or me) and he didn't.
I'm a latch-key kid. My mom worked a full time job starting when I was 18 months old. I was never in formalized day care - we always had babysitters who had kids of their own who watched just my brother and myself. Starting when I was in 3rd grade (I think I was 7, my brother was 9) we stayed home alone. I don't consider that to be optimal child-rearing, IMO, but my mom was also a single parent after I was 5.
In other words, I am doing a good job and I have a great kid and she hasn't suffered in the least from not being at nursery - and I haven't suffered much from not going to a "proper job",
Exactly. Any one who thinks that she would be better off with someone else looking after her most of the time is nuts.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-29 03:47 pm (UTC)I am NOT disciplined. If I'm not banging my head against a deadline, it's not getting done. And if I don't have some external structure to my time, I often don't get my personal goals accomplished. I don't know why. I'm sure there's a deep meaning from childhood or something. I'm probably still acting out against SOMETHING, whether it's nagging mom, absent dad, or nagging, distant husband. (Hm. There's a breakthrough.)
But I know that while I'd LIKE to stay home wtih Squeaky a lot more, I also know that my time with her is better, my house gets at least as much done, PLUS I'm pulling in cash and occasionally doing something useful at an outside job, so this is working best for me. I think ideally, I'd work a bunch fewer hours -- 20? 30? -- but i'd want the same salary. Which isn't happening. The other change I would have preferred was not going back to work until she was a bit closer to 1, since she hit the clingy stage right at the height of her teething, and the old sitter wasn't as responsive as we wanted, so that was not ideal. But we persevered, and between reverse cycling and no expected sleep, I think she got adequate hugging all night, every night, and things worked out okay. Again, not perfect, but okay.
We're hugely lucky that we've found a woman who is creative and sweet and caring and fun with many of the same priorities that we have -- not that we get along politically, or even like the same music or interests, but we have similar parenting preferences, and we both love Kay to pieces. So Kay gets time with Mom and Dad at home, and time with Nikki during the day, and between attention, and different situations and different toys and outings and everything, she is doing very well. And I'm finally able to get something done around the house when I'm home.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-29 03:55 pm (UTC)That's excellent advice about building up a network when pregnant as I need a network & don't have one. It's hard work now to do it, especially to find a similar minded mother with similar aged children. The parent I seem to get on best with locally is a dad & Andy isn't that keen on me spending time with him, which is totally daft.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-29 04:36 pm (UTC)Be as confident as you are today. Insist on being heard.
Best of luck.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-29 05:43 pm (UTC)Off the top of my head
Date: 2005-09-29 06:55 pm (UTC)In the Against sending her to school column, there's the difference between adult to child ratios, flexibility of scheduling to take advantage of daily changing moods and interests, wider available subject range at home, wider available social circle (perhaps with fewer people, but covering a far broader range of backgrounds and age groups) at home, no need for days off for minor illness, fewer chances of lice etc, more chance to develop a sense of self outside the pressure of peer-grouping, more chance to make all-day-every-day part of an ongoing learning process rather than formalising learning as something you do do sometimes and don't do other times, and more stuff I could think of if I hadn't just had a great dinner.
Of course, it's nice that it means I get more time with my children, but I expect it will also drive me mad at times. Never mind.
Re: Parenting: A career choice
Date: 2005-09-30 01:28 am (UTC)that someone really needs to meet more people. and wow, if parenting isn't a full-time job, i wonder how zie did zirs (if any). one of the main reasons why i am childfree is that i know i wouldn't have the energy and patience it takes to do this job, and it damn well strikes me as more full-time than any other job in existence. you're always at least on call. even if you send them off to school, that's only part of the day, and it's not like you can totally ignore everything about school either; you need to involve yourself so you know what's going on.
i am often suspicious of home schooling, mainly when done by religious zealots, because i know i would be dead if my parents had been allowed to school me at home. but when intelligent people like you want to do it, i think it's preferable to public schooling. mind, public school was a life saver for me, and i had hardly any of the bad experiences other people report, but there are still a lot of things about it that displease me -- such as teacher to student ratios, the whole streamlining by age thing, the weird social pressures, etc.
i am glad you're getting more confident about your job performance. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-30 03:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-30 08:32 am (UTC)I know people like that - but I'll admit to reading your LJ regularly and you appear to me so much happier, and calmer - and I envy you. My Mum was ill last year, and I moved back home to look after my sister and I realised just how much I enjoyed looking after the house, and being able to look after Joanne and I can't help but feel that this is what I want to do - other people want to become very successful in their careers, I want to raise children and look after my eventual family.
Would it be okay if I added you to my friend's list by the way?
"Friends" list
Date: 2005-09-30 10:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-30 10:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-30 12:41 pm (UTC)No, you're not wrong, and you're fortunate to have realised what you want before you have kids and not several years into the juggling act, as I did. In my case, what I should have done is work part-time as a researcher, because I seem to go crazy without that academic stimulus, and the rest of the time with the kids, but I hate the way society currently seems to be pushing all women towards full-time careers, whether they want them or not.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-01 07:13 am (UTC)