On being an interfering busybody

[ailbhe]

Interfering busybodies including teachers and health professionals could have, but didn't, rescued thousands - millions - of children from neglectful or abusive homes. Or stopped violent crimes. Or whatever the hell else.

I am definitely a fully signed up interfering busybody. The child hanging out the window of a fast-moving van, no seatbelt, no carseat, rubber-teated bottle of juice in their mouth - they deserved to be safer (I still don't know their sex). The woman who was knocked off her bike deserved to be looked after and to get home safely. The woman who was held against a wall by a man with one hand holding a smoking cigarette and the other holding her throat, she deserved to be rescued (and she was; I saw the police stop before I even got off the phone, that time, though I did not stop walking myself, because I was afraid). And always, I come back to the two little boys screaming in the night, and the man who drove them away shouting "I have to get rid of these fucking kids."

I never, ever want to have to say to someone's mother or lover or child, "I saw it, I heard it, but I didn't do anything, I could have gone out or phoned up or said something, and I didn't do anything."

Never.

And that means that sometimes I will get yelled at in public by people who think I should mind my own business, or I will phone for an ambulance and have to tell the 999 call-handler "Oh no, he woke up, he's fine, just drunk, send the ambulance somewhere else, it's ok, really, he's fine, he's - this is embarrassing - he's playing the guitar, you can hear him, listen," or something else. I might get hurt, sometime, though I never have yet.

I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with telling someone "I heard the screams and I didn't even go and look. Sorry."

Comments

[pne]

sometimes I will get yelled at in public by people who think I should mind my own business

I remember a documentary on television about courage in public and people's willingness to step in or call for help in such situations, where they staged some situations.

I remember in one of them (a man stopping a woman from leaving, telling her to stay on the park bench with him), when someone stepped in, the fake attacker would say, "This is none of your business, we're fine, get your nose out of our business"; that tactic was scarily effective, and several people walked on after that.

[ailbhe]

The only time that happened to me I checked with the woman before leaving. She did a convincing "not terrified, actually fine" so I had to trust her.

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've shared this. I try and do this stuff too. And next time I'm confronted with a 'should I/shouldn't I' moment, I'll have more courage to act because I know somewhere out there is another who would too.

So thank you.

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

Me too.

[natural20.livejournal.com]

And this is why you are, truly, a wonderful human being.

[pinkfriction.livejournal.com]

In principle i agree, but it would be helpful he some of the 'interfering busybodys' accepted parental explanations like the reason my son is screaming and hitting out at me is because he is autistic and has got himself into a state NOT because i am a bad parent who doesn't know how to control her child.

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

Fully agree. I don't pass accidents, arguments, etc, without making sure, if I can help it.

[ailbhe]

My kids aren't autistic and twice people have told me in public places that they think I should make them behave by hitting them.

I also think there's a difference between believing a child is generally being badly parented and believing they are being seriously neglected or abused, but can't point to the line or tell you where people cross it.

One of my favourite phrases is "Would it help if I helped?"

[the0lady.livejournal.com]

This.

And FWIW, I've never been hurt either. I think people can spot genuine concern and distinguish it from judgemental contempt. Even the boyfriend violently shouting at his girlfriend would rather explain that they're just having a row than let a sincerely worried person walk off thinking they hate each other / he's an abuser. I think people use the "but I might get hurt" excuse to mask their real fear of social awkwardnes. I sure as hell do, and have to fight against it (with varying levels of success depending on the day, my mood, the circumstances, etc.).

[vatine]

The only time interfering has placed me in obvious way of harm was on the Tube in Stockholm. Chap was verbally abusing his girlfriend and just about to slap her (he raised his right arm, she cringed back) and at about that time me and one of my mates stood ourselves between them and explained to him that what he was doing was Just Not On and if he had a problem with behaving, he was more than welcome to take the next train.

At that point, he started fumbling in his back pocket, presumably looking for a sharp implement, so we stood still, hoping he wouldn't be that stupid.

Yes, I too, have the "interfer, epsecially when people seem to be in danger of harm" gene. I tend to spend a few hours afterward, shivering from adrenaline, but it's worth it.

[trizia.livejournal.com]

Same here. I just can't ignore things like that.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Me too.

And it was really good, the night I rang the police about hearing several men shouting next door and a woman crying, when the call handler told me "Yes, we've had several other calls about that -- the police are on their way."

[kelvix.livejournal.com]

To interfere is good - by calling for help from those who are trained/have authority/are physically stronger.

To personally intervene - I get afraid if it is a violent situation. I have not got the skills or the confidence of authority.

I have reported observing crimes to the police: and given statements - in the smaller sense, whilst I don't pry, looking out for my neighbours is what makes a community.

I don't think I would report a tradesman to the Inland Revenue for taking cash in hand though - it's a crime, but I am not protecting someone from imminent danger by calling it to the attention of the authorities.

[(Anonymous)]

I, too, am an interferer (as I expect you have realised). But I really do wish people would teach their children not to scream for nothing! I often want to say to young women screaming in drunken good-humour or 'just for fun', "Please don't scream unless something really is wrong. Otherwise, when something *is* wrong, people might just ignore you!"

My friend heard a young woman screaming, but thought it was just youngsters mucking about in the park behind her house. The next day the police found the young girl's body in the bushes. My friend doesn't know if she could have done anything to stop the rape and murder, but she has never stopped berating herself ever since. And young people still scream, apparently 'just having fun', in the park most nights.

Elaine

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for the people you might save.
I remember screaming for help one night as I was being beaten. Someone opened his window and told my attacker to keep me quiet. That's partly why my eyesight isn't very good any more.
I do agree with wishing people wouldn't scream for no reason, though. Next door's children scream shrilly if they're excited, annoyed, happy, arguing - never, ever are they abused, but it sounds like that!