I envy you. I love Grace with all my heart, but I am not the natural caregiver that you are. I don't have the energy, the patience, or the ability to shift gears suddenly and frequently. I'm bad with toddlers. I'm enormously better at caring for my own toddler than I have ever been for any other toddler, partly because I love her so much and partly because I've known her since before she was born and I understand her better than I've ever understood anyone too young to do detailed psychological self-analysis. But that still means I can, with more draining effort than is really good for me, handle her for a few hours a day before I stop being good for her, or for me.
I like to think I'm still a good mother -- I try to be a good mother by giving my daughter directly all the attention and interaction that I can before I run dry and stop being good for her, and arranging for other good, caring, capable people to give her what I can't, when I can't. But I wish I could do it all myself (or at least most of it customarily myself; almost all stay-at-home moms get help sometimes, if only from their partner, and I wouldn't want to give up that or prevent Manny from having his turn). Grace loves me, but isn't as bonded to me as she is to Manny, because he has more physical energy to play with her the way she likes to be played with right now. I know that, and I know it's natural and reasonable, and I am glad for them both that they have that, and it breaks my heart that I'm just not strong enough to give her the same and more.
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Date: 2005-06-17 04:34 pm (UTC)I like to think I'm still a good mother -- I try to be a good mother by giving my daughter directly all the attention and interaction that I can before I run dry and stop being good for her, and arranging for other good, caring, capable people to give her what I can't, when I can't. But I wish I could do it all myself (or at least most of it customarily myself; almost all stay-at-home moms get help sometimes, if only from their partner, and I wouldn't want to give up that or prevent Manny from having his turn). Grace loves me, but isn't as bonded to me as she is to Manny, because he has more physical energy to play with her the way she likes to be played with right now. I know that, and I know it's natural and reasonable, and I am glad for them both that they have that, and it breaks my heart that I'm just not strong enough to give her the same and more.